NotStrongEnough
Nihilist extraordinaire
- Oct 3, 2021
- 85
I am tired of life. I'm tired of dealing with life, I'm tired of trying to plod through life, I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face for everyone, I'm tired of people thinking I'm a good person IRL, (here, YMMV). I'm tired of worrying about everyone else (not that I can stop it), I'm tired of worrying about how things will be after I'm gone, I'm tired of being a cranky ass bitch constantly because I AM so tired of everything. I'm tired of being a complete bitch online because I'm also cranky about everything. If I'm banned from here, it won't be the first time I've been banned on a forum for being a bitch. I'm tired of caring about others' feelings (which is usually why I'm a bitch - because someone else is hurt and I get unreasonably angry). I'm tired of caring about the planet and the people in it and I'm tired of other people not caring. I know I can't control anyone else, nor do I really want to, but... Anyway.
I'm just so goddamn tired. I've been through good times. I've had dinners with multithousand dollar tabs. I've been to Disney parks more times than I can count, which was a dream as a kid. Even in those good times, even in the goddamn happiest place on earth, I didn't want to be here (I know I'm repeating myself here). That is what tells me that there is no hope for my brain. 30+years (I'm over 40) I've dealt with this. I've been through therapists, I'm on multiple mood stabilizers...
But I'm also terrified. I'm terrified of the void, I'm terrified of what will happen to the person or people that find me (doing it will be enough damage, I don't really want to damage innocent bystanders either). I'm terrified that my brother will hate me, or that my aunt will be alone with no family after I'm gone since I'm basically her kid (she raised me, far more than my birth mom did). Or how she'll deal with it since her brother (my uncle) did the same thing. I'm terrified of what will happen to my boyfriend who has been nothing but amazing to me. I plan to leave him $ but that doesn't stop the emotional pain. I'm his first long term guy.
I know this might sound hypocritical, and I know I do have it better than some, even many, people. I know I have it better than starving kids in Africa, right? I know I have it better than some people on here even, which I feel even worse about, because if I could give all of you anything you wanted, I would. I wish I could. But I know this - I know that my life is basically cake compared to most other peoples' lives. And yet, here I am, wanting to be gone.
I feel ashamed for being the way I am, I feel terrified for the end, I feel guilty for not being more happy than I am. I feel guilty for the life I've lead because I can't appreciate it. And now that I'm on here, I'm even more afraid of CTB... Because now it's real. And I'm terrified that I'm such a coward, I won't be able to do it. I feel guilty for leaving 2 cats who have not known anyone else but me their entire lives. I feel guilty, and scared, and ashamed and sad and exhausted and I hate it all. I hate myself and I just wish it'd all go away.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. The valium is kicking in so I'll shut up now.
I'm just so goddamn tired. I've been through good times. I've had dinners with multithousand dollar tabs. I've been to Disney parks more times than I can count, which was a dream as a kid. Even in those good times, even in the goddamn happiest place on earth, I didn't want to be here (I know I'm repeating myself here). That is what tells me that there is no hope for my brain. 30+years (I'm over 40) I've dealt with this. I've been through therapists, I'm on multiple mood stabilizers...
But I'm also terrified. I'm terrified of the void, I'm terrified of what will happen to the person or people that find me (doing it will be enough damage, I don't really want to damage innocent bystanders either). I'm terrified that my brother will hate me, or that my aunt will be alone with no family after I'm gone since I'm basically her kid (she raised me, far more than my birth mom did). Or how she'll deal with it since her brother (my uncle) did the same thing. I'm terrified of what will happen to my boyfriend who has been nothing but amazing to me. I plan to leave him $ but that doesn't stop the emotional pain. I'm his first long term guy.
I know this might sound hypocritical, and I know I do have it better than some, even many, people. I know I have it better than starving kids in Africa, right? I know I have it better than some people on here even, which I feel even worse about, because if I could give all of you anything you wanted, I would. I wish I could. But I know this - I know that my life is basically cake compared to most other peoples' lives. And yet, here I am, wanting to be gone.
I feel ashamed for being the way I am, I feel terrified for the end, I feel guilty for not being more happy than I am. I feel guilty for the life I've lead because I can't appreciate it. And now that I'm on here, I'm even more afraid of CTB... Because now it's real. And I'm terrified that I'm such a coward, I won't be able to do it. I feel guilty for leaving 2 cats who have not known anyone else but me their entire lives. I feel guilty, and scared, and ashamed and sad and exhausted and I hate it all. I hate myself and I just wish it'd all go away.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. The valium is kicking in so I'll shut up now.
