DesperateChallenge
Member
- Oct 25, 2018
- 46
Edit: I chickened our :( maybe it's not the right time. Idk. I did everything then got to the point of drinking the SN and started to Cry. I guess I will put on a brave face and try again when the suicidal thoughts are a little stronger.
My survival instinct is conflicting. I want to die but there's something making me hesitate. But I think it's because I know I'm going to hurt people if I ctb. I'm not worried about my family, oddly enough... but I am worried about my therapist. He has made every attempt to keep me out of the hospital when I was suicidal- he knows I don't find it helpful long term and so we do daily checkins, I see him weekly, etc. he is trying to get me in a program at the moment. I want to cry when I think about how much this is going to hurt him. I am worried he will get in trouble because there's a paper trail of how suicidal I have been. Worst of all, my biggest fear is that I will wake up and if that happens I am terrified he will give up on me or won't want to take the risk of continuing to have me as my patient. I am also terrified if I wake up that I will no longer have a job, I'll lose my clearance, and I'll be living as the loser-child with my parents continuing to be a burden. I've loved with them for the last 1.5 years and it's been miserable.
I've taken my meto and my Tagamet. I've fasted all night so that should be good enough. I'm writing my note now while I wait for the pre-meds to settle, then I will take some Seroquel to knock me out and down the SN. I'm taking 20 mg because I'm overweight. I hope it works. I can't deal with another failure. I'll keep you updated until I pass out. Hopefully if you don't hear from me after this that means it worked. Either that or it means I'm in a psych ward, but if it fails I will try to get on and let y'all know.
My survival instinct is conflicting. I want to die but there's something making me hesitate. But I think it's because I know I'm going to hurt people if I ctb. I'm not worried about my family, oddly enough... but I am worried about my therapist. He has made every attempt to keep me out of the hospital when I was suicidal- he knows I don't find it helpful long term and so we do daily checkins, I see him weekly, etc. he is trying to get me in a program at the moment. I want to cry when I think about how much this is going to hurt him. I am worried he will get in trouble because there's a paper trail of how suicidal I have been. Worst of all, my biggest fear is that I will wake up and if that happens I am terrified he will give up on me or won't want to take the risk of continuing to have me as my patient. I am also terrified if I wake up that I will no longer have a job, I'll lose my clearance, and I'll be living as the loser-child with my parents continuing to be a burden. I've loved with them for the last 1.5 years and it's been miserable.
I've taken my meto and my Tagamet. I've fasted all night so that should be good enough. I'm writing my note now while I wait for the pre-meds to settle, then I will take some Seroquel to knock me out and down the SN. I'm taking 20 mg because I'm overweight. I hope it works. I can't deal with another failure. I'll keep you updated until I pass out. Hopefully if you don't hear from me after this that means it worked. Either that or it means I'm in a psych ward, but if it fails I will try to get on and let y'all know.
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