I'm such a nihilist

[Tintypographer]

The stuff in my head just won't quit. I feel like all I think about is what doesn't matter. None of this crap matters. All that I do is garbage that has no benefit, all the crap I accumulate means nothing, my world is full of meaningless garbage. Tomorrow there will be the same crap. The average of everything is crap and nothing i do will ever matter. I don't feel my relationships matter, I don't feel that anything I do is of any value at all, I hate my life, my career, my days. My only joy is sleep.

I hate therapy. I don't want to reframe anything or try to make steps. I don't care. I hate my medication, it doesn't change my life. I hate that I just have to try and see the world different. I don't. I read and reread "the stranger" by Camus and I completely understand the main character not caring about anything at the end. It doesn't matter if he is alive or dead. It won't matter tomorrow not for any reason, it simply won't matter.


I used to want death but lately I want nothungness. The cruelty of the world is that we didn't get to choose to exist. I exist but I don't matter. I don't want to matter. I dont want to care about mattering. If i disappear yesterday the things before and after will never have mattered.

There are those who try to talk about relationships or living in the moment or beauty. But that's just a perspective. In reality as time races forward it doesn't matter. We matter as much as a diatom that died 10 million years ago and is now broken sand on a beach.

 

[chocolatebar]

Hey, long time no see. It's always good to see you around.

I find myself facing a duality. I think just like you and it make sense, because there's no reason for something to matter in this universe, especially when we put time and space at a perspective and realize how insignificant things are.

However, I also think in a different approach. Consider a sentient being. I will use myself as an example. From my perspective, it's as if nothing exists beyond my conscience. Before I was born, it was as if nothing existed to me, no matter how old, big and complex the universe might me, and after I die, it will be he same. So, the entirety of things that exist to me are the things I can observe and the entirety of experiences that exist to me are the ones I experience myself. When I die, the entire universe as I know it will die along with me.

This idea leads me to exact opposite conclusion. The entire universe is insignificant to a sentient being and its life experiences are everything.

Both of those ideas exist in me and I can't find a position between them.

The only thing I'm certain of is that it would be much better if we never existed in the first place

 

[Seeking_Peace]

The stuff in my head just won't quit. I feel like all I think about is what doesn't matter. None of this crap matters. All that I do is garbage that has no benefit, all the crap I accumulate means nothing, my world is full of meaningless garbage. Tomorrow there will be the same crap. The average of everything is crap and nothing i do will ever matter. I don't feel my relationships matter, I don't feel that anything I do is of any value at all, I hate my life, my career, my days. My only joy is sleep.

I hate therapy. I don't want to reframe anything or try to make steps. I don't care. I hate my medication, it doesn't change my life. I hate that I just have to try and see the world different. I don't. I read and reread "the stranger" by Camus and I completely understand the main character not caring about anything at the end. It doesn't matter if he is alive or dead. It won't matter tomorrow not for any reason, it simply won't matter.


I used to want death but lately I want nothungness. The cruelty of the world is that we didn't get to choose to exist. I exist but I don't matter. I don't want to matter. I dont want to care about mattering. If i disappear yesterday the things before and after will never have mattered.

There are those who try to talk about relationships or living in the moment or beauty. But that's just a perspective. In reality as time races forward it doesn't matter. We matter as much as a diatom that died 10 million years ago and is now broken sand on a beach.

Sometimes I wish I never learned about nihilism. It really puts into perspective how meaningless life is. Date, breakup, going through many relationships before you find the 'right' one only for it end. Rinse and repeat like everyone else in the rat race while the body is slowly decaying.

I guess it's easier to put on rose colored glasses but like you said it's just a perspective.

 

[FuneralCry]

I see everything as being very meaningless. To me, there really is no point to living. All that humans do is exist for the sake of existing, life is just passing the time until we die, and I am tired of it all. Life is completely unnecessary, we were all perfectly fine not existing until we were forced to live. In comparison to the eternity of death, my life seems so temporary and insignificant. I also hate living and I really wish that I never existed at all. I am horrified that life is even a thing in the first place.

 

[FinishingLine]

When I was a teenager I learned to like the fact about how special I am to being here on this rock in nothingness - was lingering in my mind how the beauty I can observe came to be.

The beauty I saw last was a far decaying fox under a rock.