Venting I’m such a failure

[ThatStateOfMind]

I feel like I can't do anything right. I've been stressing over college and I can't do the assignments. I feel terrible, I cheated on a linear algebra assignment and ran to the bathroom and nearly threw up because I'm concerned that this will bite me in the ass.

I struggled hard with a biology chapter today as well, spending 3 hours on a single chapter which is longer than I used to have to spend on chapters.

I'm worried, I'm worried that I'll get into university and not be able to do the classes. I'm worried that I'll fail college. I'm worried that even if I pass, I wont be able to land a job. Do I even want a job in the field now considering how hard the classes are? And then, if I didn't want a job in this field, what would I even do with my life? I can't be a failure forever, I'll have to change something or die if college, those are the only two real options I'll be facing.

I don't know, I feel utterly worthless, useless, and incapable of anything. I hate myself, and I don't understand how anyone in my life doesn't hate me, I must put up a good facade or something.

This semester is pushing me to my limits and I feel like I'm on the brink of it all. I just needed to vent this all out. I've cried countless times today. Nearly vomited 2-3 times. It really makes me want to buy SN, I'm miserable right now.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I feel like I can't do anything right. I've been stressing over college and I can't do the assignments. I feel terrible, I cheated on a linear algebra assignment and ran to the bathroom and nearly threw up because I'm concerned that this will bite me in the ass.

If you ever need help understanding linear algebra concepts just send me a DM and I'll try my best.

 

[fatladysings]

Maybe going down the academic route isn't for you? I went to university and ended up so stressed during my final exams that I was hallucinating. In the end, I wished I'd never gone to university. Back when I was able to work, any time I was job hunting, there were far more jobs available for non graduates than for graduates. So you won't necessarily be doing yourself a disservice if you quit studying. If studying is making you nearly throw up and is making you suicidal then maybe you need to rethink your career plans.

However, it's possible you are just going through a (very) bad patch. But you sound like you can't keep going on the way you are going at the minute, you sound like you are falling apart at the seams and you could to with getting some careers advice. Failing college is not the end of the world even though it may seem like it. Is there a tutor or lecturer you could speak to about your current struggles? It may help you to get some advice from a tutor/lecturer who knows how your work has been so far.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Life is not over if you fail college. I Failed university many years ago - life wasn't over - honestly failing uni didn't even touch me. You can still make sth out of your life!

Good luck! I hope the best for you!

 

[GuessWhosBack]

If you ever need help understanding linear algebra concepts just send me a DM and I'll try my best.

We can go over the entire course material.

I struggled hard with a biology chapter today as well, spending 3 hours on a single chapter which is longer than I used to have to spend on chapters.

Consider changing the method you use for studying. It being biology I am assuming it is mostly memorisation? Are you familiar with Spaced Repetition techniques? Software like Anki can be used to make the process of rote learning more effective for you over the course of many months, making remembering things effortless rather than having to cram everything in the last month before the exam.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Maybe going down the academic route isn't for you? I went to university and ended up so stressed during my final exams that I was hallucinating. In the end, I wished I'd never gone to university. Back when I was able to work, any time I was job hunting, there were far more jobs available for non graduates than for graduates. So you won't necessarily be doing yourself a disservice if you quit studying. If studying is making you nearly throw up and is making you suicidal then maybe you need to rethink your career plans.

However, it's possible you are just going through a (very) bad patch. But you sound like you can't keep going on the way you are going at the minute, you sound like you are falling apart at the seams and you could to with getting some careers advice. Failing college is not the end of the world even though it may seem like it. Is there a tutor or lecturer you could speak to about your current struggles? It may help you to get some advice from a tutor/lecturer who knows how your work has been so far.

I think I am just going through a rough patch, a lot has happened recently. It's the first semester I'm starting since a family member passed away and I used to go to see them towards the beginning of the semester and chat with them while I did school work.

Also, this is going to sound really bad but a lot of things make me feel suicidal and nearly throw up. It happened when I got a job a couple years ago. Not my most recent job though that I got in the summer. I think I just have TERRIBLE anxiety which causes this. New jobs and I guess also new semesters trigger these emotions and symptoms. I don't think it helps that I found out today I might have the flu, not certain on that though.

We can go over the entire course material.

Consider changing the method you use for studying. It being biology I am assuming it is mostly memorisation? Are you familiar with Spaced Repetition techniques? Software like Anki can be used to make the process of rote learning more effective for you over the course of many months, making remembering things effortless rather than having to cram everything in the last month before the exam.

i haven't heard of that technique. It could possibly help me for my bio exams, it is mostly just memorization.

Sorry if I'm missing stuff, I'm still feeling terribly anxious so I'm going to log out for now and try to calm my nerves, I'm probably taking the day off of school tomorrow for the most part. My friend is off work so I'll probably hang out with them and barely do any school.

Wish me luck, and I hope these nerves ease up over the next week or two. I also need to stop browsing subreddits for CSMajors, it also triggers my mind thinking how doomed a major as saturated as mine is. Worst case scenario, I can do some other job, that's what I always go back to and it's strangely calming. Even if I complete my degree, it's not some path set in stone that I must take, especially since I anticipate no debt.

 

[fatladysings]

That's good that you think it's just a rough patch. Everybody has them from time to time and I'm glad to hear that you think it's a temporary state of affairs. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your family member, it sounds like they were a good source of support for you and to not have them around any more must be difficult for you. Maybe the passing away of your family member contributed to your current crisis.

You do sound like you have bad anxiety, if lots of things make you suicidal and nearly throw up. That happens to me too - not the throwing up bit but a lot of things that cause me anxiety make me suicidal.

Hope you don't have the flu, and good luck with your studies.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I struggled hard with a biology chapter today as well, spending 3 hours on a single chapter which is longer than I used to have to spend on chapters.

You don't need to go through all the chapters in one sitting. It's generally expected for you to go over each chapter over a few days to a week. University and college tend to have a heavier course load and most of the stuff from each chapter will be covered in your lecture, so that should help with any confusion you might have. If they don't cover it, then try googling anything that confuses you and see if they have an easier-to-understand explanation. You can also try using the SQR4 method when going over the textbook.


Does your university offer any programs designed to help students who are struggling? Usually schools offer a few programs to help students who might be struggling to learn different studying methods and coping skills.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

You don't need to go through all the chapters in one sitting. It's generally expected for you to go over each chapter over a few days to a week. University and college tend to have a heavier course load and most of the stuff from each chapter will be covered in your lecture, so that should help with any confusion you might have. If they don't cover it, then try googling anything that confuses you and see if they have an easier-to-understand explanation. You can also try using the SQR4 method when going over the textbook.
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Does your university offer any programs designed to help students who are struggling? Usually schools offer a few programs to help students who might be struggling to learn different studying methods and coping skills.

I don't have lectures. Everything, and I mean everything, is virtual. No videos, I don't even know what my professors look like. This wasn't by my own choice either. I'm in a community college and it's terrible, they have basically 0 options for in-person classes unless i wanted to drive >1 hour one-way to a different campus. It's my last semester, and I'm suffering from lack of motivation. Also, my community college offers no programs like that.

It sucks and I can only hope university is better than this, and I have hope that it might be. If I didn't, I might have genuinely CTB by now

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It sucks and I can only hope university is better than this, and I have hope that it might be. If I didn't, I might have genuinely CTB by now

I think a full-fledged university will be. Hang in there.

Wish me luck, and I hope these nerves ease up over the next week or two. I also need to stop browsing subreddits for CSMajors, it also triggers my mind thinking how doomed a major as saturated as mine is. Worst case scenario, I can do some other job, that's what I always go back to and it's strangely calming. Even if I complete my degree, it's not some path set in stone that I must take, especially since I anticipate no debt.

Even in a saturated environment the rock bottom for someone with a CS degree shouldn't be too low. Maybe you won't be a top-earning programmer at Google but where you land should be enough to support yourself (I know you also are questioning your skills, which is a different matter). Computer science will be relevant for as long as humanity continues to exist.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I think a full-fledged university will be. Hang in there.

Even in a saturated environment the rock bottom for someone with a CS degree shouldn't be too low. Maybe you won't be a top-earning programmer at Google but where you land should be enough to support yourself (I know you also are questioning your skills, which is a different matter). Computer science will be relevant for as long as humanity continues to exist.

I'm still holding out some hope that it will be. Just gotta hang on for one more semester for Uni to start.

And this is true, maybe I am over-catastrophizing, as usual, and jumping to the worst scenario possible. I think a large part of me questioning my skills boils down to under-exposure to classes relating to my major, which will also be different at University. I only have 3 classes related to computer science at Community College, the rest are Gen Eds. That might honestly be a gift in disguise though because the teaching quality at this community college is terrible, so at least the important classes will have better teachers.

Anyways, I also agree that the field itself will remain relevant, I am just fearful of finding a job within the field. Those subreddits have people who send out over 1,000 applications with little or no response. Then again, I know there's also a selection bias there because people who have a job and are happy aren't going to that subreddit to complain or add their story, and I even saw one dude in the CSMajors subreddit complaining about how he's put in applications and can't get a job. Turns out he has an accounting degree, and isn't even looking for CS jobs, he's looking for IT jobs, and he gets the two confused.

I am in a slightly clearer headspace than I was when I typed this, but I don't know if it'll come back next week when I get hit with a barrage of new deadlines

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

Failure only exists by comparison to others. Stop comparing yourself, it's worthless, it makes others have control over you.