I’m such a chicken

[NeverEndingPain]

Why do I have to be such a fucking chicken?! I had my chance today and can’t fucking do it 😭
It’s being alone and being scared that something will go wrong. I want to attempt partial hanging and have done my research for months. I have the rope. I have the slipknot ready. I have the anchor point. When I stand and put the noose around my neck , I go into instant panic.
What if I don’t die and end up just hanging there gasping for air and unable to call for help? What if I do die and no one checks on me and I’m left for days or even weeks?! If I don’t kill myself then I will be put in the mental hospital by someone soon. I can’t stay in my house alone so I have had to come stay with my ex and he tells me he will put me in hospital. I am at the point where I can barely take care of myself. I really have had a mental (nervous) breakdown. I can’t cope with anything. I can barely cope with typing this right now without panic. All I can do is sit in a chair and rock and stare at the ground. I panic to do simple things like trying to eat or to even get dressed. I’m scared to be put in a hospital because I don’t know what they will do if I can’t care for myself 😭

 

[CTB Dream]

Sorry suffer , this why ctb need ease people male hard why suffer. Hope peace human really cruel why this you mental hospital.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Being unable to CTB at the present moment does not make you a coward. It makes you human. CTB is hard. SI is difficult to overcome. It is for everyone.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

Being unable to CTB at the present moment does not make you a coward. It makes you human. CTB is hard. SI is difficult to overcome. It is for everyone.

I need to overcome the SI 😭
I don’t want to be put in the hospital.
I wish I had reassurance. I wish someone would tell me it will be ok

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I need to overcome the SI 😭
I don’t want to be put in the hospital.
I wish I had reassurance. I wish someone would tell me it will be ok

I know it's not what you want to hear, but SI is hard to overcome. I don't want you to end up in a hospital, either. Try and make a last gasp at gathering yourself together so that you can properly plan how to CTB, if that's what you want. Living can be hard, as I'm sure you know. Dying is hard, too. It can be OK if you can get your act together for just a little while longer rationally ponder your reasons for wanting to CTB. Your reasons for wanting to CTB need to outweigh your hope, your reason for wanting to live. That's when the SI disappears, when all hope is lost. I hope you can get where you need to go, whether it is living again, or taking the steps to end your pain. It will take effort. Good luck.

 

[Flying Away]

You are not a chicken

 

[vegetables&sadness]

I'm sorry you're going through this, having everything ready to CTB and then having SI kick in is awful, it makes you feel like it was all for nothing. I hope you can feel better soon, be it via CTB or recovery

 

[NeverEndingPain]

I know it's not what you want to hear, but SI is hard to overcome. I don't want you to end up in a hospital, either. Try and make a last gasp at gathering yourself together so that you can properly plan how to CTB, if that's what you want. Living can be hard, as I'm sure you know. Dying is hard, too. It can be OK if you can get your act together for just a little while longer rationally ponder your reasons for wanting to CTB. Your reasons for wanting to CTB need to outweigh your hope, your reason for wanting to live. That's when the SI disappears, when all hope is lost. I hope you can get where you need to go, whether it is living again, or taking the steps to end your pain. It will take effort. Good luck.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but SI is hard to overcome. I don't want you to end up in a hospital, either. Try and make a last gasp at gathering yourself together so that you can properly plan how to CTB, if that's what you want. Living can be hard, as I'm sure you know. Dying is hard, too. It can be OK if you can get your act together for just a little while longer rationally ponder your reasons for wanting to CTB. Your reasons for wanting to CTB need to outweigh your hope, your reason for wanting to live. That's when the SI disappears, when all hope is lost. I hope you can get where you need to go, whether it is living again, or taking the steps to end your pain. It will take effort. Good luck.

I truly appreciate your reply. I felt comfort from it. I don’t ever get a feeling like that from many replies

I'm sorry you're going through this, having everything ready to CTB and then having SI kick in is awful, it makes you feel like it was all for nothing. I hope you can feel better soon, be it via CTB or recovery

Thank you. I wish we could all hold each others hand so no one was alone or scared

 

[Django]

I feel exactly the same as you. To a tee. I tried last weekend, went to jump off a bridge but got stopped by someone. I was sectioned for 24 hours and released. Now i want to try again but don’t think I can do it. Anxiety and panic also rule my life. You probably feel the same bit when we every avenue seems blocked it’s a terrible terrible feeling. I’m sorry you feel so alone you are in my thoughts.

 

[makethepainstop]

I figure ctb is kind of like drowning, it's not too bad once you cease to struggle.

 

[Hollowillow]

Why do I have to be such a fucking chicken?! I had my chance today and can’t fucking do it 😭
It’s being alone and being scared that something will go wrong. I want to attempt partial hanging and have done my research for months. I have the rope. I have the slipknot ready. I have the anchor point. When I stand and put the noose around my neck , I go into instant panic.
What if I don’t die and end up just hanging there gasping for air and unable to call for help? What if I do die and no one checks on me and I’m left for days or even weeks?! If I don’t kill myself then I will be put in the mental hospital by someone soon. I can’t stay in my house alone so I have had to come stay with my ex and he tells me he will put me in hospital. I am at the point where I can barely take care of myself. I really have had a mental (nervous) breakdown. I can’t cope with anything. I can barely cope with typing this right now without panic. All I can do is sit in a chair and rock and stare at the ground. I panic to do simple things like trying to eat or to even get dressed. I’m scared to be put in a hospital because I don’t know what they will do if I can’t care for myself 😭

I woke crying & panicking. I took 2g of vitamin C, a big b12 and magnesium. I'm calmer... SS calms me...

Your ex is worse than nothing. Try to eat veggies & meat to be stronger....

It's natural to be scared to die. I told myself I'd just test partial hanging & failed 3 times but did it longer last time. With partial you can easily stand up if you change your mind.

Where do you anchor? I tried to sit on the floor with a door handle. The drawing shows bent knees. I might try tying it to the toilet then pass the rope above the bath curtain pole... The toilet might bear some weight... So I'd shit & decompose down the drain...

 

[hamvil]

I need to overcome the SI 😭
I don’t want to be put in the hospital.
I wish I had reassurance. I wish someone would tell me it will be ok

First, you are not a chicken. I did stop as well a few times when I tried to jump. Too scared to do the last step.

If you feel that you need reassurance and that you would like somebody to tell you that it will be ok then maybe you do not really want to ctb. Why don't you try the recover forum, you will find supporting people there.

I do not know your story, but on faith i tell you: it will be ok. Hugs

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide isn’t easy after all. I wish that dying is as easy as just wishing to be gone but unfortunately it can be very difficult to leave this life behind, it’s the reason as to why I still exist. We shouldn’t have to suffer so much as we plan and try to leave this world, we have all already been through enough in life. I’m sorry that you are trapped in this desperate and awful situation. I wish you freedom.

 

[evolutionerror]

sorry to hear how much you are suffering. Nothing is easy about this life, least of all dying. We are all programmed for survival, so even in the darkest depths of our sadness our minds will fight back against us trying to CTB. I always think about that one scene at the end of Terminator 2 where Arnold says "I cannot self terminate"... and hands the switch to John Connor.

I tried partial hanging too, but any time I would get even close to passing out I would just instinctively stand up. Low moments where all I wanted was to not exist, but I just couldn't do it. I also tried the "night night" method one time, but honestly that made me feel so dumb, I couldn't even get the ratchet strap tight enough and now I just have a box of cornhole bags and a set of ratchet straps for no reason... there's no shame in it.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

I feel exactly the same as you. To a tee. I tried last weekend, went to jump off a bridge but got stopped by someone. I was sectioned for 24 hours and released. Now i want to try again but don’t think I can do it. Anxiety and panic also rule my life. You probably feel the same bit when we every avenue seems blocked it’s a terrible terrible feeling. I’m sorry you feel so alone you are in my thoughts.

Thank you Django

sorry to hear how much you are suffering. Nothing is easy about this life, least of all dying. We are all programmed for survival, so even in the darkest depths of our sadness our minds will fight back against us trying to CTB. I always think about that one scene at the end of Terminator 2 where Arnold says "I cannot self terminate"... and hands the switch to John Connor.

I tried partial hanging too, but any time I would get even close to passing out I would just instinctively stand up. Low moments where all I wanted was to not exist, but I just couldn't do it. I also tried the "night night" method one time, but honestly that made me feel so dumb, I couldn't even get the ratchet strap tight enough and now I just have a box of cornhole bags and a set of ratchet straps for no reason... there's no shame in it.

I tried the tourniquet method and that was a horrible fail. Left marks on my neck and broke blood vessels all over my face, neck and ears. Even had hemorrhage in one eye. I only got enough pressure to cut the jugular and I really cranked it. Once I started struggling for air it was game over for me. I had secured the lever and was trying to rip it loose. It was also not making me go unconscious at all.
As for my partial attempt, I was going in more of a seated position with legs out and know that once I let myself down that my legs won’t get me back up. I have a bad back and my legs are so wobbly and weak from my nerves being bad and barely eating ( due to depression and anxiety). I think I’d feel less panic if I knew I could just stand up if something felt wrong such as placement of knot. With the position I was going to attempt, if something didn’t feel right, I’d be stuck. I guess it’s the same with full suspension. Once you drop there’s not much you can do. I am attempting again Monday. Monday is either I succeed or I am put in hospital. I’m terrified of having a deadline.