Venting I'm stuck

[Peachycherry]

My ctb date is set this week. I'm waiting for the confirmation that no one will be home that day, so it might still change.

Here's the thing: I don't care whether I survive or not. I'm even considering purposely failing just to get help. My main reason for ctb is my untreated anxiety and depression, I just can't cope anymore. And by some cruel twist of fate, my anxiety makes it so asking for help is my worst fear, for whatever reason. I can't get myself to call a suicide hotline, even less talk about it with my parents or ask them to take me to the doctor. I suspect my friends are suicidal as well so going to them would be useless, and with what I've read on here it's not always the best, as the friendship is strained afterwards. I haven't got the courage to ask help to my college student services, and I'm not sure they'd be able to help anyway; I overheard an employee last week talking about how annoyed he was with students coming to his office for help.
I know I'm a bit stupid; I CAN get help, I just can't figure out how. I'm only 18 and I have a 'perfect' life, surely there's still some stuff to look for in life, but I can't get the help needed to go on and reach that. My ultimatum is Tuesday; I have my first clinical at the hospital (I'm a nursing student), and since so far my studies have been what's keeping me anchored to life, I feel like it will be a dealbreaker. If it goes well, it might give me a goal to achieve; I'd love to work at the hospital but my anxiety doesn't allow it yet.

Anyway, my method has a 50/50 chance of working or failing. I'll let fate decide for me, since I don't feel like I have control of my life anymore. If I survive, I'll finally get the help that I need. I know this plan is stupid but I can't imagine another way to get help.
I'll keep you guys updated after Tuesday, if you're interested.

 

[OminousVaL]

Smooth travels.

 

[Silver]

Could you write a letter to your parents? That can be easier than talking to them fave to face. Your university might have a health service you could contact too. Suicidal thoughts are fairly common so they would know how to react. It really sounds like you don't want to actually die, you just don't want to live as you do now.

 

[lobster salad]

Stuck in the same situation, peachycherry. Young, undiagnosed and I cant tell my parents or professionals. I have only told a few select friends of my thoughts but even then they have started to avoid me. My social anxiety is just preventing me from asking for help and I have no idea what to do anymore except do it even if it means failing... but then and again I don't really want the attention I might be getting after that since I hate attention; I just don't know how to handle it. I am waiting for a big fail right now with all my examination results if I don't do anything... not sure if I want to face it. I know I'll probably dropout soon too. My god I'm just so stupid and retarded and I'm too lazy to do anything about it.

 

[Peachycherry]

Could you write a letter to your parents? That can be easier than talking to them fave to face. Your university might have a health service you could contact too. Suicidal thoughts are fairly common so they would know how to react. It really sounds like you don't want to actually die, you just don't want to live as you do now.

The letter is a good idea, problem is finding the courage to give it to them. I've talked a bit about my school's student service; they seem unsympathetic and I feel they'd send me to the hospital as soon as they knew I have suicide intent. You're right, I don't think I really want to die, I'm just so stuck. Thank you for your support.

 

[LostSoul101]

You can try to talk to someone at an online suicide chat: http://imalive.org/
I find that helpful when I'm in a crisis because it's easier than actually talking to someone on the phone.

 

[Peachycherry]

Stuck in the same situation, peachycherry. Young, undiagnosed and I cant tell my parents or professionals. I have only told a few select friends of my thoughts but even then they have started to avoid me. My social anxiety is just preventing me from asking for help and I have no idea what to do anymore except do it even if it means failing... but then and again I don't really want the attention I might be getting after that since I hate attention; I just don't know how to handle it. I am waiting for a big fail right now with all my examination results if I don't do anything... not sure if I want to face it. I know I'll probably dropout soon too. My god I'm just so stupid and retarded and I'm too lazy to do anything about it.

Nice to know I'm not alone in this situation. I wish I could give you advice or support but I can't even help myself. I'll at least hope for a breakthrough for you

You can try to talk to someone at an online suicide chat: http://imalive.org/
I find that helpful when I'm in a crisis because it's easier than actually talking to someone on the phone.

Thank you for that, I've never tried it before.

 

[Deleted member 20852]

I get you, asking for help is hard. My anxiety used to make it impossible for me to get help back when I wanted it. I heard a lot of people with anxiety, particularly social anxiety, find online counseling helpful. Would that be option for you maybe? You can also talk to hotlines via text or email.

 

[Peachycherry]

I get you, asking for help is hard. My anxiety used to make it impossible for me to get help back when I wanted it. I heard a lot of people with anxiety, particularly social anxiety, find online counseling helpful. Would that be option for you maybe? You can also talk to hotlines via text or email.

Maybe. Did you think the lack of human contact was a problem? I'm not sure I'd be able to explain everything and convey my feelings accurately over text.

 

[Deleted member 20852]

Maybe. Did you think the lack of human contact was a problem? I'm not sure I'd be able to explain everything and convey my feelings accurately over text.

I haven't tried online personally, I have just heard from other people that they found it very helpful. I think it would be worth a try for you, at least as a start. They might be able to give you some advice about reducing your anxiety about asking for help in person. You could always try online and if you don't find it helpful, you can just stop doing it.
I wish I had asked for help earlier it would have saved me a lot of unnecessary suffering. Sadly I every time I went to therapy I would freeze up, go mute or panic and now it's too late for me.
Some people with anxiety & depression get better, it would be brave of you to ask for help. Whenever I'm anxious about something I try to take it in small steps. So maybe you could build up to talking to someone in person where you could explain yourself better by talking to someone online first.
I'm sorry, I feel like I haven't explained that very well, I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

 

[Silver]

The letter is a good idea, problem is finding the courage to give it to them. I've talked a bit about my school's student service; they seem unsympathetic and I feel they'd send me to the hospital as soon as they knew I have suicide intent. You're right, I don't think I really want to die, I'm just so stuck. Thank you for your support.

You're welcome. When I was suicidal at university I contacted the counselling service and they contacted my GP and got me an appointment. I did end up being sectioned though.

It is very hard telling parents and professionals but I do think it's possible for you to receive help if you find a way to ask.

 

[Peachycherry]

I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, I had trouble finding how to phrase my thoughts.
My clinical Tuesday was canceled because my nursing teacher was sick. Turns out she's going to withdraw from the class altogether, which is something I was not expecting and it brings a lot of uncertainty I did not need at the moment.
I'm pushing back my ctb date, not sure if that's good or bad news. I think it would be stupid to act out when I have so much doubts I need to work through.
I can't deal with anxiety anymore. So far, I didn't care much about the ravages it brought to my life, but now it's starting to affect the people I care about and that's not fair for them. I don't care if it makes me suffer, but I cannot stand constantly lying to my family and friends anymore. On the other hand, I realize that ctb would hurt them a million times more, so for now I'm putting it aside. I don't want to hurt the few people I care about, it just wouldn't be fair.
The only upside now is a small victory: I've managed to email my school's student services about an appointment with a counselor. I'm still waiting for an answer back.
To conclude, I wanted to thank everyone who offered me support. This website has been more help than anything else, in fact it's among the main reasons I'm still alive, and I'm infinitely grateful for the community that's always one thread away. It's tough to convey how much you guys have helped me, but I want you all to know that even a small comment means so much to me. Take care everyone!