I told everyone I made art for not to use it and I asked, in my opinion, politely. I deleted what accounts I could manage, most importantly, my Google account, though I'll likely have to make another one soon to ever use my phone. It's sitting beside me after being factory reset. Every poem, journal, vent, etc. has been erased. My art is gone. My game progress is gone. My social media, besides my new Reddit account, and this SS account I changed the email (temporary email service, thank you) and password to. I'm lighter on my impact. I've left behind my only friend already. I actually blocked him a few days ago before this. I've gotten into arguments with my boyfriend. He's homeless, fed up, antisocial, and probably won't be my friend anymore with my bullshit personality. That's alright. It will have to be. I do wish I had someone to talk to still. I cried earlier because my phone was overheating and I didn't want it to explode, making me never be able to talk to him again, draw, write, etc. without my phone I always have. It's all I have. After I deleted all my digital belongings, I realized it didn't really matter. I thought I wanted to be some digital artist - a graphic designer to help people with their YouTube icons, video game avatars, or even tattoo design (as I worked with "clients" previously to get some practice done before I asked them not to use it). At the least, I'll change my fake name again (though I was planning on using it legally when I move out of my family's), so it won't ever be traced back to me. I'm reborn now and it's new. I'm new.
My life isn't very new. Not much has changed. It's gotten a bit worse. I'm about to be homeless too. He wants to kick us out and everyone is on his side. I don't have any family members I can talk to, or any friends. You know what's exhausting? Begging for nudes. Haha. It really is. When you send them, you try to flirt, you don't get any response. You ask why. You don't get a real answer. You're upset. You're horny. You're affectionate. You're angry. It doesn't matter. Your boyfriend doesn't want to touch you. You hate yourself. You think it must be your personality, so you look into how to change it. You show too much emotion so you try to hide it and even that gets called out for being not emotional enough. You hate your body. You hate your body and it pisses him off because you complain about it. I don't want to care.
I care a lot. He knows my phone number. He knows my address. I'm an annoying piece of shit. Frankly if he ever does anything, I deserve it. I'm more afraid of not being able to escape this situation if my family knew. If he ever managed to send my mom mail or something, I wouldn't know what to do. I don't know how to die with what I have available. I got yelled at when the shower curtain fell down because I was testing to see if it'd hold up my hanging body. The cheap thing wasn't even close. I am so lonely. That's what I want people to know. I didn't try to isolate myself. They didn't answer. I cried for help. No one came.
My life isn't very new. Not much has changed. It's gotten a bit worse. I'm about to be homeless too. He wants to kick us out and everyone is on his side. I don't have any family members I can talk to, or any friends. You know what's exhausting? Begging for nudes. Haha. It really is. When you send them, you try to flirt, you don't get any response. You ask why. You don't get a real answer. You're upset. You're horny. You're affectionate. You're angry. It doesn't matter. Your boyfriend doesn't want to touch you. You hate yourself. You think it must be your personality, so you look into how to change it. You show too much emotion so you try to hide it and even that gets called out for being not emotional enough. You hate your body. You hate your body and it pisses him off because you complain about it. I don't want to care.
I care a lot. He knows my phone number. He knows my address. I'm an annoying piece of shit. Frankly if he ever does anything, I deserve it. I'm more afraid of not being able to escape this situation if my family knew. If he ever managed to send my mom mail or something, I wouldn't know what to do. I don't know how to die with what I have available. I got yelled at when the shower curtain fell down because I was testing to see if it'd hold up my hanging body. The cheap thing wasn't even close. I am so lonely. That's what I want people to know. I didn't try to isolate myself. They didn't answer. I cried for help. No one came.
