Help I’m so upset/angry and can’t ctb

[madbananas]

This sounds weird but I get to the stage I am so distressed that I am cognitively unable to ctb. I am also on an unofficial suicide watch by my mum. I just checked on social media (wrong move but I'm addicted) and everyone is posting about an upcoming mental health day and encouraging people to open up about their mental health. It's made me so angry. These are the same people who have shunned me for attempting suicide a month back which I shared online because of these kinds of "movements" and I thought people cared. Ultimately my post was basically ignored (apart from very few people who I don't know), was even blocked by a colleague who seems to use mental health awareness as a way to self-promote. I feel like commenting something along the lines of "open up about your mental health as long as you're mentally healthy or at least popular on social media". I won't comment that because it's futile and anyway I've withdrawn from talking to people on those sites. I've had enough of waking up every day with such uncertainty. Was told I need to take time off work but no one has contacted me since to even ask how I am or refer me to occ health. Annoyingly I was starting to actually get better and was in a place where I could have been back to work but I've been cut off by people. Im beginning to feel discriminated against to be honest. If I'd almost died of corona or other physical illness everyone would be love-bombing me like nothing else.
sorry for the rant I'm just so done and so trapped. My dreams have been dashed and no one even cares that I'm wanting to ctb because of unfair treatment and then they are essentially gaslighting me and holding my mental state hostage because they won't even reply to any contact I make.
again I'm sorry for the rant. Thanks to anyone who reads this and any support would be welcome to get me through this horrible time where I can't live or die in peace.

 

[AcornUnderground]

It's a terrible place to be - unable to live and unable to die. It's pure torture and I'm right there with you. I'm sorry

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Don't feel sorry about ranting because you have every right to do so. Those people are assholes and your life would be better off without them because they all sound like a bunch of hypocrites. I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time because no one should have to be put through it.

 

[madbananas]

It's a terrible place to be - unable to live and unable to die. It's pure torture and I'm right there with you. I'm sorry

thank you. It's horrible knowing others are going through the same feelings but somehow comforting that I'm not alone. It definitely is pure torture like you say and I'm sorry you're experiencing it too

Don't feel sorry about ranting because you have every right to do so. Those people are assholes and your life would be better off without them because they all sound like a bunch of hypocrites. I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time because no one should have to be put through it.

thank you. It's so disappointing when you felt belonging with people only for them to turn on you because of something you can't help. It's almost quite sadistic of them being people who are supposedly well-informed and advocates of those who struggle with their mental health. I'm not ever someone who would get revenge and 99.9% of the time my anger is turned in on myself however I imagine myself verbally letting loose on them all. Sometimes I even get so angry that I think about if I ctb (which is getting more and more likely) they will then be investigated for their behaviour. It's the first time I've ever related to people who want to write angry suicide notes. I know it's potentially unfair to do so butI've been royally screwed over, I've kindly voiced my concerns that communication is key, to those who apparently have a duty of care over me yet two weeks later and I'm still being ignored. I actually read about a person who ctb having had a very similar experience to me and it blew up on social media because parents were understandably fuming. I'm just going to watch comedy stuff tonight and hopefully it will calm me down since I'm so stuck both physically and mentally like we all are at the moment. It is truly torture. Thank you again for the reply