Venting I’m so tired of everything & I just wish I knew what was wrong with me to other people

[gardenofaphrodite]

Before I get into the negative, some positives, I got a job finally, it's somewhere I've had a complicated history with. Regardless, it's a job. I dyed my hair again finally & cut it & I feel mildly better about my appearance lately.

Now to the negatives. The venting.

I have explicitly told my partner specific things I want to do or for him to do.

I want him to get me flowers without me having to ask. I have told him this. I want him to spend time with me without having to ask every single time. I have told him that as well.

I have bought him flowers, I have bought him cards (I always get pop-up/cool cards/well thought out) with a well-thought personal message written in (I write it). I try to bring up topics about his hobbies, the things he likes, I encourage him to talk to his friends & family more, to play games with them, etc

I still haven't gotten flowers, or cards, except one single time I got a card after talking to him about it the day before, with some rushed-ass writing, essentially copying what I've wrote to him before. He never brings up any of my hobbies, he never asks about it, he doesn't really listen well or remembers the things I care about.

Am I selfish for wanting flowers? Or for him to watch a movie with me - something I have brought up over 6x in the last two weeks & he STILL hasn't. Instead he'll play a game, & I'll watch & pay attention - if I play a game he sits on his phone, ignores it, or doesn't pay attention to anything I say. He falls asleep almost every single time I play a game, or he leaves the room to do whatever.


I can't lie, the last week I've been a bitch a little bit, I've been giving hella attitude & have been very short with him. I'm just kinda over it. It's like he tries to buy my love by getting me silly shit on a game when I just want to spend time with him. He hasn't even been around me at all since he came home today other than when we showered. He just hangs with my siblings constantly (we live with my family for the moment). They talk to him & hang with him more than they EVER have me & it's been so hurtful. I feel like an outcast. I really don't understand why no one wants to spend time with me. I wish someone would just tell me what I'm doing wrong. I just want a little bit of affection back - that's all.


Even sex has been rare, & when we do it's boring, he doesn't even try anymore. I want to feel loved, not used or like it's a nuisance to do it. I don't even know how to bring it up. Anytime I talk to him about anything he just sits in silence & I try to get a response & he just reiterates whatever I said but nothing changes. He never really listens. I feel like I'm just here. I love him but I'm starting to resent it all because I feel like I just keep getting set on the back burner.


I have no one else to hang with. My siblings all hang out with each other, they don't really interact with me unless I interact with them, & even then they tend to avoid me.

I don't understand why. I really just want to know why, what am I doing wrong, did I do something? I just don't understand I really fucking don't. I'm glad I'll be working again because at least then I have a distraction from it all. If this keeps going on the way it has been, I'm considering breaking it off even though I really really don't fucking want to. He's the only person I'm alive for right now, & if I lose that, idk what to do. I love him, but he's making it really hard to feel loved back.

 

[KuroiSH]

That's great, it's good you were able to find a source of income. If you don't mind me asking, what color did you dye your hair?

I am like you, I go the extra mile for my friends, learning about things they're interested in so we have things to talk about, sending them messages asking how they're doing every once in a while, remembering specific details they've told me about them and bringing them up in a context that makes sense, and so on. I've also told them that I'd like for them to do the same to me, and while they did agree, it's not something you should necessarily expect. They don't go the extra mile for me like I do them, but that doesn't mean they're bad people, it's just that I'm different and I decided to put more effort into the people I care about.

The thing is, I have such a terribly low self-esteem and self-worth that I feel happy when they are nice to me as a result of this, likely because I feel like I deserve only the worst.

If you think about it logically, it might seem like they just don't care about you, since you're doing so much for them and they give little in return. That is my friendship, however, but we're talking about your partner here. In a relationship, you both have needs to be met, or else it just won't work. You're not selfish for wanting flowers, or for wanting to spend time with him, whether it be watching a movie, or playing something, because that's how your bond grows stronger.

It's also not your fault for giving him an attitude and kind of being a bitch. I've also gotten very frustrated when I see the effort I put into others is not returned, but I know it's not their fault, so I calm down a little. But again, this is your boyfriend we're talking about. If you've told him on multiple occasions you want him to do things differently, and he still hasn't put in the slightest shred of effort into respecting your wishes, then that's a problem.

I can tell you right now, you're not wrong for wanting to be loved, and desiring affection. As unlovable as I think I am, even I think I'm deserving of or want love and affection from someone. It's heartbreaking when you feel like you're the side character to your own love story. I've been there. You're left with so many questions, wondering what you did wrong, and so many other things, but the reality is, every single person on earth is different. There are those who will put in the effort of trying to bond with someone, like you and me, and there are people that, for whatever reason, are not too interested in going the extra mile and forming a meaningful bond, like your boyfriend.

I'm really not qualified to give advice, but I'd recommend trying a few more times to make your boyfriend realize you want him to put the same level of effort that you put into him, because no matter how insane it sounds, people don't change on a dime. If you still see reluctance from him after a while, it might be best to consider your options, because you'll only get more hurt if you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

That's great, it's good you were able to find a source of income. If you don't mind me asking, what color did you dye your hair?

I am like you, I go the extra mile for my friends, learning about things they're interested in so we have things to talk about, sending them messages asking how they're doing every once in a while, remembering specific details they've told me about them and bringing them up in a context that makes sense, and so on. I've also told them that I'd like for them to do the same to me, and while they did agree, it's not something you should necessarily expect. They don't go the extra mile for me like I do them, but that doesn't mean they're bad people, it's just that I'm different and I decided to put more effort into the people I care about.

The thing is, I have such a terribly low self-esteem and self-worth that I feel happy when they are nice to me as a result of this, likely because I feel like I deserve only the worst.

If you think about it logically, it might seem like they just don't care about you, since you're doing so much for them and they give little in return. That is my friendship, however, but we're talking about your partner here. In a relationship, you both have needs to be met, or else it just won't work. You're not selfish for wanting flowers, or for wanting to spend time with him, whether it be watching a movie, or playing something, because that's how your bond grows stronger.

It's also not your fault for giving him an attitude and kind of being a bitch. I've also gotten very frustrated when I see the effort I put into others is not returned, but I know it's not their fault, so I calm down a little. But again, this is your boyfriend we're talking about. If you've told him on multiple occasions you want him to do things differently, and he still hasn't put in the slightest shred of effort into respecting your wishes, then that's a problem.

I can tell you right now, you're not wrong for wanting to be loved, and desiring affection. As unlovable as I think I am, even I think I'm deserving of or want love and affection from someone. It's heartbreaking when you feel like you're the side character to your own love story. I've been there. You're left with so many questions, wondering what you did wrong, and so many other things, but the reality is, every single person on earth is different. There are those who will put in the effort of trying to bond with someone, like you and me, and there are people that, for whatever reason, are not too interested in going the extra mile and forming a meaningful bond, like your boyfriend.

I'm really not qualified to give advice, but I'd recommend trying a few more times to make your boyfriend realize you want him to put the same level of effort that you put into him, because no matter how insane it sounds, people don't change on a dime. If you still see reluctance from him after a while, it might be best to consider your options, because you'll only get more hurt if you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you.

I'm gonna have another talk with him soon, our 1yr anniversary is next month, & I think it will be a good day to really talk about it all. After that though, if things don't change, I will be making it clear that I will be ending the relationship. I can only handle so much, & after everything that happened with my ex, I do have some self-respect left & I refuse to be treated like nothing.

I died my hair red, I've been dying it mostly red since after 8th grade, was nice to go back to it again & to go back to a pixie cut. I just really don't look good w/ long hair haha

 

[KuroiSH]

I'm gonna have another talk with him soon, our 1yr anniversary is next month, & I think it will be a good day to really talk about it all. After that though, if things don't change, I will be making it clear that I will be ending the relationship. I can only handle so much, & after everything that happened with my ex, I do have some self-respect left & I refuse to be treated like nothing.

I died my hair red, I've been dying it mostly red since after 8th grade, was nice to go back to it again & to go back to a pixie cut. I just really don't look good w/ long hair haha

Red is such a great color! It's my favorite. Pour your heart out and truly tell him everything that you feel on that 1 year anniversary. That way, at least you won't feel like you could have done something better, and you'll have no regrets when everything is done and said. Good on you for deciding you'll end things if he doesn't change. You're very valuable for wanting to go the extra mile, and you should be with someone who knows how to appreciate that.

We humans can only take so much emotional pain, after all, and we all shatter like plates when under too much pressure. It's not fun at all, and a very unpleasant experience, especially when you feel like you're at fault.

 

[MrDarkness]

Tell him how you feel, if he still doesn't improve, it's best to break it off, I'm sure you will find someone that will love you for who you are

 

[The anhedonic one]

Your relationship with bf sounds one-sided. He is obviously not putting in much effort and giving you the attention and affection you deserve.
Please forgive me for being direct, but it's true.

 

[ikadasui]

you said 1 year? Honestly you sound far too kind and considerate to be burning yourself up over him. you're on a forum about suicide and a key reason is for a partner who won't give you the time of day? I'm angry on your behalf this fucking sucks. I don't want to tell you what to do but if you do the all in for this, if he hardly cares for you now why would he if you're gone? I am sorry but as cliche as it sounds put that level of care for him into yourself and you won't need someone as sorry as they are

 

[feder]

First off, congrats on finding a job and dying your hair, salef care is important and I think it's wonderful you feel better about yourself!

Wanting to feel loved is not a selfish thing, we all want that, maybe you could talk to him about why he does not do what you asked of him?
Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved, respected, and valued. If, after open and honest conversaition, you find that your needs are consistently unmet and you're feeling unfulfilled again, it might be better to break it off.
I wish you the best and hope everything works out in the best way possible!

 

[Yakamoz]

I just wish I knew what was wrong with me to other people

What does above phrase mean anways?