Venting I’m so sad, I just want my suffering to end, but I don’t know what to do.

[Black Rose Bunny]

Sorry, this is a really long rant, no one has to read it though. I'm just really sad mostly because of my trans identity, but a couple other things too, I don't want to die but I see no other better option.

I don't want to have to live in a world where I'm not really a girl and can't really be a girl, I don't even really know why you let me be in the server because I feel like I'm not really a girl and that I can't be a girl I feel like I'm just a fake and I can't do anything to change that... I don't have the correct organs or the correct childhood or the correct socialization and I don't even look like a girl, and honestly it hurts and I can't begin to describe how sad it makes me.

I feel like if I passed as female it might possibly give me a reason to live but even then I would still feel like a fake and a phony constantly because of my internal organs, and I wish so bad that I could have lived my childhood as female and that people would think of me as female but that's not realistic, and I'm never going to be able to find a boyfriend and I'm ashamed to even go out in public because of how I look. I feel like I'm a complete failure of a human, like I'm severely deformed and society frowns upon me.

On top of it though, there are so many people who hate trans people, especially trans women. People who believe we're just a bunch of creepy fetishists and pedophiles and about how our whole lives are based around some sick fetish and that we exist to harass and harm women.

I really wish I could just be a boy but honestly I think that's even more painful than this and I would rather die than detransition. I can't handle this and I think that's pretty normal considering the trans suicide rate, I'd rather experience the great nothingness than have such a painful existence, I'd give anything in the world to be female but that is not realistic, I don't live in a fairytale. Every day I go on Instagram and I look at random posts and it always reminds me that I never had a female childhood and that I'll never know what it's like to have a period or be a mother, or be able to even have normal sex with a boy, or even have a boyfriend who on some level doesn't think of himself as gay. I wish I could have a boyfriend who was taller than me or masculine than me. I wish I could just be feminine and be normal girl but I can't. No matter what, I don't even think surgery could fix me even if I could afford it. I feel like I'll also though never have female friends on the same level as most girls do because of my biology and because of my childhood and I can never change that, I'm just forced to accept it.

I'll always be an outcast and strange and boyish and I would give anything in the world to change that. And I have such fucking stupid body structure that I can't ever change, I'm practically 6' and clothes never fit me because clearly I don't have a female body and even if they did I don't even have any good body shapes to accentuate it's best that no one even notices me, there aren't any clothes that would be good for me. Misses clothing is typically made for people 5'4 - 5'7, I am basically 6'feet tall, I am never even going to find clothes that fit me because I'm not really a woman. But honestly I feel like even if I were short and more feminine I would still face issues because of my childhood and my biology, but god I wish so badly i at least appeared normal, so that I could at least pretend to be a normal girl. Then I could at least have hope that after I get srs thing will be different and I could see myself differently, but that can't change anything, I'll still look like a boy, like a drag queen at best, and it will be that way forever.
I really hate being alive. But honestly even apart from that I have terrible social skills and I have 0 irl friends because of it, I'm not even sure if online people like me. I'm severely in debt and I want to die so bad. I'm 'smart' but I'm so lazy and demotivated In School that it doesn't even matter. But who cares anyways because I'm not interested in anything at all. I'll never have a job I like, I'm going to spend all my days doing something I hate then come home and have no one, or no hobby or anything other than depression. I'm already severely in debt, and I haven't even started college yet, or tried to get a place to live or a car or anything, it's just all downhill from here. I have no social skills at all, no one ever likes me and I don't even know why, I don't even know what to change about myself to prevent being alone forever. All I do all day is lay in bed and think about how much a failure my life is and about how badly I want to die. About how much I need to die. I really wish people could understand. Living is painful, and I just want my suffering to end. life has nothing to offer me...

I wish I could talk about this stuff with the few people I have in my life but I feel like I would be unloading way too much baggage on them, and every time I try to talk to someone about these dark thoughts they just kind of get really distant from me. I feel like I don't have anyone and I'm all alone, and no one will truly understand me.

I don't really want to die, and I'm terrified of doing it. But I think the reality that I live in is too harsh and it would be best for me, and for everyone else if I just do it. I feel like it is sad, but it's just something that has to be done. I can't seem to push myself to do it though.

The biggest issue with killing myself is that if I hang myself I would have to do it in my house, I can't drive, and I can't afford a hotel or anything. But once I do it in my house my family will be traumatized and my house will be forever a place where I killed myself. From what I've read, suicide by hanging leaves an extremely gruesome body, and it will be severely traumatizing to who ever finds it. I want to leave a goodbye not saying not to look at the body, but I know they will anyways. If I do this I am also going to cause unimaginable grief for my family, but I can't go on living like this. I feel trapped

 

[S1mpleme]

I understand your life. I have same issues, except I'm not transgender. If you got nothing to offer society then you're invisible in this world. I could be your friend in real life if you want, but we have to meet at least, otherwise we can just chat in here.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I can see how much pain this causes you and I'm sorry. Its a tale I can't relate to, but I've seen posts on here of trans people with similar feelings, so maybe someone else can share their story. I do know what its like to feel trapped and alone though. Just meeting each day is a courage that no-one else can understand. And then when you feel you wan't to get out, you can't face that either. yeah, trapped. And it feels like people just want you to go away and be quiet because they can't deal with it even though some might say they want to help. We all have different circumstances, but you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

I can see how much pain this causes you and I'm sorry. Its a tale I can't relate to, but I've seen posts on here of trans people with similar feelings, so maybe someone else can share their story. I do know what its like to feel trapped and alone though. Just meeting each day is a courage that no-one else can understand. And then when you feel you wan't to get out, you can't face that either. yeah, trapped. And it feels like people just want you to go away and be quiet because they can't deal with it even though some might say they want to help. We all have different circumstances, but you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

I can't go on, but I can't leave either.. I wish I could just disappear. I feel like some of my friends care, some don't and think I'm just trying to get attention, and get really mad at me because they know people who killed themselves. And also I will feel really guilty, like I'm treating them like therapists, and draining their energy. But I really shouldn't say anything to any of my friends because I have this one online friend and this one time I tried ctb and ended up in the hospital, and my brother gave her his number. So if I say too much to anyone they will message her and she will message my brother and get me hospitalized. She's also been kinda pushing me and my family to place me in a long term hospital.

Also I feel like a real asshole because like I kind of told a friend that I was planning to ctb, and I ended up getting a visit from the police.. later on I was kind of drunk and crying and I sent her a message saying I didn't think it was cool of her to tell my friend. And I went on a Very long winded rant about how I need to die and how inevitable it is, and why I hate living so much. I feel bad though because it was a lot. She hasn't talked to me in like a month, and it's kind of awkward since we're in this discord chat together. I have a strong suspicion though she made like a new discord, and invited my friends to talk to them without me around.. she's tried to isolate me from them before too

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It can be very difficult to be friends with someone who has suicidal feelings. There is sometimes an almost insurmountable dissonance between respecting their confidence and feeling the urge to keep them safe, whilst also maintaining a distance to ensure that they themselves don't get hurt. Having someone's confidence when they have expressed self destructive feelings is tough, especially if those feelings are then acted on. The burden of guilt for the friend can be shattering, even if they respect and believe in self-determination and the right to choose. I am ofc not defending any heartless behaviour here, just trying to understand.
Its a very tough choice whether to tell anyone irl no matter how close you feel you are. That's why at least having an anonymous forum to express yourself can be of some help. Doesn't fix anything, but it can help to at least be heard.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Sorry, this is a really long rant, no one has to read it though. I'm just really sad mostly because of my trans identity, but a couple other things too, I don't want to die but I see no other better option.

I don't want to have to live in a world where I'm not really a girl and can't really be a girl, I don't even really know why you let me be in the server because I feel like I'm not really a girl and that I can't be a girl I feel like I'm just a fake and I can't do anything to change that... I don't have the correct organs or the correct childhood or the correct socialization and I don't even look like a girl, and honestly it hurts and I can't begin to describe how sad it makes me.

I feel like if I passed as female it might possibly give me a reason to live but even then I would still feel like a fake and a phony constantly because of my internal organs, and I wish so bad that I could have lived my childhood as female and that people would think of me as female but that's not realistic, and I'm never going to be able to find a boyfriend and I'm ashamed to even go out in public because of how I look. I feel like I'm a complete failure of a human, like I'm severely deformed and society frowns upon me.

On top of it though, there are so many people who hate trans people, especially trans women. People who believe we're just a bunch of creepy fetishists and pedophiles and about how our whole lives are based around some sick fetish and that we exist to harass and harm women.

I really wish I could just be a boy but honestly I think that's even more painful than this and I would rather die than detransition. I can't handle this and I think that's pretty normal considering the trans suicide rate, I'd rather experience the great nothingness than have such a painful existence, I'd give anything in the world to be female but that is not realistic, I don't live in a fairytale. Every day I go on Instagram and I look at random posts and it always reminds me that I never had a female childhood and that I'll never know what it's like to have a period or be a mother, or be able to even have normal sex with a boy, or even have a boyfriend who on some level doesn't think of himself as gay. I wish I could have a boyfriend who was taller than me or masculine than me. I wish I could just be feminine and be normal girl but I can't. No matter what, I don't even think surgery could fix me even if I could afford it. I feel like I'll also though never have female friends on the same level as most girls do because of my biology and because of my childhood and I can never change that, I'm just forced to accept it.

I'll always be an outcast and strange and boyish and I would give anything in the world to change that. And I have such fucking stupid body structure that I can't ever change, I'm practically 6' and clothes never fit me because clearly I don't have a female body and even if they did I don't even have any good body shapes to accentuate it's best that no one even notices me, there aren't any clothes that would be good for me. Misses clothing is typically made for people 5'4 - 5'7, I am basically 6'feet tall, I am never even going to find clothes that fit me because I'm not really a woman. But honestly I feel like even if I were short and more feminine I would still face issues because of my childhood and my biology, but god I wish so badly i at least appeared normal, so that I could at least pretend to be a normal girl. Then I could at least have hope that after I get srs thing will be different and I could see myself differently, but that can't change anything, I'll still look like a boy, like a drag queen at best, and it will be that way forever.
I really hate being alive. But honestly even apart from that I have terrible social skills and I have 0 irl friends because of it, I'm not even sure if online people like me. I'm severely in debt and I want to die so bad. I'm 'smart' but I'm so lazy and demotivated In School that it doesn't even matter. But who cares anyways because I'm not interested in anything at all. I'll never have a job I like, I'm going to spend all my days doing something I hate then come home and have no one, or no hobby or anything other than depression. I'm already severely in debt, and I haven't even started college yet, or tried to get a place to live or a car or anything, it's just all downhill from here. I have no social skills at all, no one ever likes me and I don't even know why, I don't even know what to change about myself to prevent being alone forever. All I do all day is lay in bed and think about how much a failure my life is and about how badly I want to die. About how much I need to die. I really wish people could understand. Living is painful, and I just want my suffering to end. life has nothing to offer me...

I wish I could talk about this stuff with the few people I have in my life but I feel like I would be unloading way too much baggage on them, and every time I try to talk to someone about these dark thoughts they just kind of get really distant from me. I feel like I don't have anyone and I'm all alone, and no one will truly understand me.

I don't really want to die, and I'm terrified of doing it. But I think the reality that I live in is too harsh and it would be best for me, and for everyone else if I just do it. I feel like it is sad, but it's just something that has to be done. I can't seem to push myself to do it though.

The biggest issue with killing myself is that if I hang myself I would have to do it in my house, I can't drive, and I can't afford a hotel or anything. But once I do it in my house my family will be traumatized and my house will be forever a place where I killed myself. From what I've read, suicide by hanging leaves an extremely gruesome body, and it will be severely traumatizing to who ever finds it. I want to leave a goodbye not saying not to look at the body, but I know they will anyways. If I do this I am also going to cause unimaginable grief for my family, but I can't go on living like this. I feel trapped

I read your post and I'm so sorry you are going through what you are.
Nobody can tell you what you are or how to be, just be you.
Have you spoken to a health professional about your transition, because there is help out there. And from reading what you have said it sounds like you want help.
Just keep talking, describe yourself how you want to be, forget others prejudices and judgements and live your truth not what society says you should.
Keep talking here, you will get plenty of support.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

I read your post and I'm so sorry you are going through what you are.
Nobody can tell you what you are or how to be, just be you.
Have you spoken to a health professional about your transition, because there is help out there. And from reading what you have said it sounds like you want help.
Just keep talking, describe yourself how you want to be, forget others prejudices and judgements and live your truth not what society says you should.
Keep talking here, you will get plenty of support.

yeah I have, I've been transitioning for 2 years. To be honest though I know it won't get better so I don't really see the point. And it is always very hard to be completely honest with health care Professionals due to the looming threat of hospitalization. But also I feel like things can't get better because I have such a bad personality and I can't imagine ever not being alone forever

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

To be honest just knowing that I'll ever even look female, and likely don't even have female mannerisms is enough reason to ctb

 

[Deathbydemo]

I can't relate to what you are going through but I just want to say that I can literally feel your pain emanating from your words. I am so sorry that life has brought you so much pain and disappointment. I'm glad you are here to vent out your frustrations with us though and I hope you can find it in your heart somehow to stay.