my suicide date is pushed back a little, but knowing I will eventually go is making me extra emotional today. I also can't bear to be around after losing the love of my life. For years that pain has worsened due to the nature of the situation. I've never felt so much pain and it's affecting me physically. it's sickening when you lose something you love and can't get it back… I try not to dwell on it because I know it'll be over soon, but it's so hard not to dwell. It's a huge reason I want to commit suicide, and the medical affects it's had on me for years is terrifying. It's affected my hormones to the point of no repair as doctors have tried everything, my hair is coming out in huge piles, the cyclical vomiting from stress has ruined my teeth, and so now I won't eat much for fear of throwing it up once the triggers and anxiety set in. To all the idiots who said "you'll get over it" I kindly send a sweet 'fuck off' your way. When the love is very deep, it doesn't go away and I didn't realize how common it is to off yourself because you lost the love of your life. I now have developed heart issues at 25 due to this, but the doctors are against giving me beta blockers despite confirming the stress has wreaked havoc on my heart muscles. Every day I have severe tachycardia, I'll wake up in the middle of the night with breathing issues, and I have to sleep in very very cold temperatures because due to this, I've had panic attacks in my sleep and wake up with serious night sweats. I never knew being in love can lead to all of this and it will occur for years… it's terrifying and I can't do it anymore. Five years is quite enough years to be putting up with this horrible shit.
My step mom was nice enough to slide some muscle relaxers my way and honestly those helped in the sense of knocking me out so I wouldn't have to think about life, but I only had a few and there's no way a doctor will prescribe them to me.
I'm eagerly waiting to order N and have all of this agony be over with. Heartbreak on top of my biological family constantly reminding me what a mistake I am, I have no more energy to keep lying to myself and thinking things will get better. I refuse to be one of those people who fall for that lie and then I end up staying on earth for thirty more years.. I HAVE to kill myself for my own health. I'm all alone in this world with health issues because of this and I don't want to keep playing this game called life anymore. I'm not loved, not valued, and certainly not cared for. It also doesn't help I lost my rape case and that was with evidence. That monster got to walk free and so that on top of all this has caused me great amounts of pain. I'm ready to just be done because I don't want to live the rest of my twenties
My step mom was nice enough to slide some muscle relaxers my way and honestly those helped in the sense of knocking me out so I wouldn't have to think about life, but I only had a few and there's no way a doctor will prescribe them to me.
I'm eagerly waiting to order N and have all of this agony be over with. Heartbreak on top of my biological family constantly reminding me what a mistake I am, I have no more energy to keep lying to myself and thinking things will get better. I refuse to be one of those people who fall for that lie and then I end up staying on earth for thirty more years.. I HAVE to kill myself for my own health. I'm all alone in this world with health issues because of this and I don't want to keep playing this game called life anymore. I'm not loved, not valued, and certainly not cared for. It also doesn't help I lost my rape case and that was with evidence. That monster got to walk free and so that on top of all this has caused me great amounts of pain. I'm ready to just be done because I don't want to live the rest of my twenties
