Venting I'm so pathetic, aren't I?

[SpiderMolt]

If someone gives me attention that means they care about me, right? The attention makes me feel special, even if I'm being treated negatively. I've had "friends" that would constantly put me down, make me feel bad about myself for no reason. But that didn't matter because they would still call me their friend. I had a "friend" who would hurt me physically. For some reason none of that really mattered to me. To be honest, I kinda enjoy being treated like that. I like being told I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve friends. I really liked when the insults got personal because that ment they cared enough to actually notice all those insufferable things about me. I know I'm just a sick in the head masochist. But whatever I guess.

Whenever I did anything that upset them, I always felt like I had to beg for forgiveness. I didn't want them to hate me, or worse, abandon me. I would've probably been okay with them hating me as long as they didn't leave me. Y'know? I wanted to be around them so badly that I couldn't even realize the damage they did to my mental health. I was the one who felt bad when they made me cry. I mean, I probably deserved it, right?

The funniest part is they still leave me. I'd do anything for them, and anything for their attention. Sometimes they'd go on a rant about how horrible I am and then block/ignore me, or they'll go straight to ghosting me. I don't know why this keeps happening to me but I can't take it. I'm so scared of upsetting people and being abandoned by them.

I have a really hard time putting up boundaries because I'm afraid it might upset people. I literally ignoring the fact that I'm uncomfortable with certain things because I fear they might be upset with me for it. It's stupid, I know. I'm so pathetic and desperate for attention and I keep getting hurt because of that.

I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore. So, I guess I'll leave it at that :^

 

[Why did they do it]

Hmm, this one is a toughie.
Coming from a neglected and abusive childhood, I can tell you that I learned how to derive happiness from attention even if it was negative attention. It's so bad to the point of where I actively seek out situations to put myself in to get any and all attention at all.
It is a severe toxic trait of mine that needs fixing if I ever want to be able to be happy, and make others around me happy too.

What I can recommend is that you need to take steps to identify when attention is negative and not allow yourself to seek it or put yourself in situations where it is given. It is hard I know, especially when you feel happy to get any attention at all.
You need to learn how to make a distinction between positive attention and negative attention.

Please be kind to yourself, friend. Tell yourself that it is not alright when you receive abuse whether verbal or physical. Treat yourself well, and others will treat you well too. You're not pathetic, we all need attention. Just need to learn healthy ways to get it.

 

[Ihoujin]

I also have this boundary problem, neglected and abusive chidlhood too.

But recently I found why is that. It requires work on your Shadow. Being neglected again is of course a big theme. You don't want that and you are trying to be nice to people.

You can't force another human being to like you or to respect you. Either it's mutual or move on. I already learned that it's impossible to get along with everybody. You find a few people.

You are nice, you are OK, you treat them well but IT IS NOT REALLY YOU. There are agressive vibes that can't find expression.

I found the monster lurking in me. Maybe it even explains why I was neglected by my parents in the first place. I realized I do everything not to see the monster again I once were, yet it's still the part of me waiting for its expression.

I'm so nice but it's fake and people can sense it. You don't want to stay with fake people, it's understandable. Do you like fake ppl? Openness is sexy but you have to recognize people you can open to.

Integration requires to settle firm boundaries, fight back if needed, yell at someone if they're yelling at you. I recently broke some things and yelled at someone and guess what happened? She started to be very nice towards me! Respectful. Like establishing this boundary was healthy for both of us. Anger was justified I believe and no one get hurt. It was so refreshing that finally this emotion found an outlet.

As you can see, 'being nice' strategy failed.

Depends what is lurking in your subconscious.

 

[Ash]

Sounds like there's a lot to unpack and unpick but here's something to consider: you may or may not be a lot of things* but unless you go round kicking cats or something, I'm willing to put money on you NOT being pathetic.

*I'm thinking music tastes or hobbies and interests and anything that defines your identity. Try looking at who you are in relation to yourself. It won't solve anything else but you'll be happier and more confident in your own skin and that is where you start to build stronger foundations.