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Livingvsdying25

Livingvsdying25

Enlightened
Dec 8, 2019
1,173
I'm not even gonna bother get into the stupid fucking details of why I fucking feel like this today.

Let's just say some positive aspects of my days existed but were quickly ruined by CPTSD. Recovered after a support type call that ended in a cringy way.

Stupid mutual acquaintance of me and my friend fucking shoving their nose into others business and making comments without having any sensitivity to things. Honestly FUCK YOU. If my account here is ever discovered after I die or I somehow manage to leave a note ima be sure to thank them for the fucking addition in my emotional flashbacks.(Just venting If I leave a note I'm not blaming anyone for anything...)

I don't need help in feeling shitty but alas.

Im sick of people saying focusing on positive is a choice. That's true to an extent. I used to focus on positives so much that I kept living a life on hardmode and acting like it was ok. Acting like I was ok. Also full stop like CPTSD isn't a choice. I can develop coping skills for flashbacks but literally nothing but a medication or cannabis even fucking help.

I often can't choose. This week hell the last month has been so emotionally dsyregulating. I take off birth control and from the first day I'm sick, in a flare-up and emotionally tanking every second.


UGH. IM JUST SO SICK OF LIVING. Having a good friend is great but I just end up feeling like a burden in everyway. Glad to have support and grateful but I hate how CPTSD effects relationships and I hate how much I can regress constantly.

Uphill battle fr fr. I'm just sick of fucking everything. I've taken my med. I ordered myself pizza and juice. I'm waiting on cannabis capsules. I'm watching my comfort show. I'm sitting under a weighted blanket. I went to a support group. Had a psw help around the house. Set up/started process in getting A/C picked up and set up. Not with the money I have bc I'm a broke asshole. So. All in all? Was ok but fucking trauma and health just ruins me

Sorry rn and today im sick of being strong being constantly hit with shame is fucking killing me. Ugh... like tmrw or maybe Sunday I'm either going back to old birth control or just putting back current one. I HATE WHAT HORMONES DO.

I started writing this fucking sick of everything and tbh I still am buttttt.... I dunno. I wanna die but I wanna live but nore than anything just want ease....

Ended up going to a writing group and so far rn its great. Sometimes... just... I wish there were groups available 24/7 bc sometimes I needa get outta my fuckin head and videos, books etc etc aint cutting it anymore.


Im about to disclose the severity of my families abuse to my cousin and... ugh just ended up getting into it bc she asked about moving back and likeee after my Dad being silent while I was talking about struggle with needing to figure out the fuck to get A/C bc it's gonna be hot this weekend and I literally can't breathe in hot weather... I'm just over it.

Im over the norm being neglect. Like let me be able to change things in life or in death but PLZ FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING HELL LET THINGS CHANGE./ PLZ GIMME BACK MY BARLY THERE EMOTIONAL STABILITY.

I really don't think anyone who doesn't experience em knows how fucking exhausting emotional flashbacks are. My mind and body fighting me on even coping likeee...

This was long. So if ya read thnx, if ya skimmed thnx.
 
Ambivalent1

Ambivalent1

Certifiably awesome!
Apr 17, 2023
1,902
CPTSD is incurable. It's brain damage. We need new brains. Neuralink will either kill us like those monkeys who were experimented on or fix us.
 
  • Aww..
Reactions: clockwork_cat
Livingvsdying25

Livingvsdying25

Enlightened
Dec 8, 2019
1,173
CPTSD is incurable. It's brain damage. We need new brains. Neuralink will either kill us like those monkeys who were experimented on or fix us.
It is uncurable but there is some apparent research about being able to create new neuropathways??? I'm not explaining it right tbh but... yeee

Either way ima be honest creating those new pathways can be like fucking dying while living.

Like the constant trigger of just living is fucking insane. I would love a new brain
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: rationaltake
Ambivalent1

Ambivalent1

Certifiably awesome!
Apr 17, 2023
1,902
It is uncurable but there is some apparent research about being able to create new neuropathways??? I'm not explaining it right tbh but... yeee

Either way ima be honest creating those new pathways can be like fucking dying while living.

Like the constant trigger of just living is fucking insane. I would love a new brain
EMDR is a ptsd therapy. Try that
 
Livingvsdying25

Livingvsdying25

Enlightened
Dec 8, 2019
1,173
EMDR is a ptsd therapy. Try that
I'm in trauma therapy thnx. Also EMDR doesn't work for everyone and it can be super dsyregulating. Also, its often extremely expensive.

I had attempted to start it back in 2021 but was often too dsyregulated to even do much in the appointments. I do my therapy online now so its more accessible, at a discounted rate but can not afford it still/wouldn't be able to if I didn't have my friend helping.

And no offense but I didn't ask for advice and I'm aware of what therapies exist. It's really annoying when people make suggestions like this without realizing their limitations/ it doesn't always work for everyone.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Vizzy
Ambivalent1

Ambivalent1

Certifiably awesome!
Apr 17, 2023
1,902
I'm in trauma therapy thnx. Also EMDR doesn't work for everyone and it can be super dsyregulating. Also, its often extremely expensive.

I had attempted to start it back in 2021 but was often too dsyregulated to even do much in the appointments. I do my therapy online now so its more accessible, at a discounted rate but can not afford it still/wouldn't be able to if I didn't have my friend helping.

And no offense but I didn't ask for advice and I'm aware of what therapies exist. It's really annoying when people make suggestions like this without realizing their limitations/ it doesn't always work for everyone.
If you don't want advice, then what replies are you looking for? Are you just shouting into the void and are fine with a thumbs up, sad face, etc?
 
Vizzy

Vizzy

DEAD
May 6, 2023
1,870
If you don't want advice, then what replies are you looking for? Are you just shouting into the void and are fine with a thumbs up, sad face, etc?
He is venting so he is not looking for your advice

If someone vent this is what you should do - no pushback or advice, acceptance, ideally some empathy!
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She wished that she never existed...
Sep 24, 2020
32,760
That does sound really tiring what you have to go through but anyway I wish you the best, it's so awful how we exist in a world where people suffer all through no fault of their own.
 

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