I'm so empty

[s00ngone]

March 4, 2023. I don't have real intent.

That much has changed since then. That video was that one British guy's coverage of this site. I remember so clearly I had it on while I was by the washing machine. I'd always been drawn to the dark and macabre, shock and gore sites and the like. I didn't join then. It took me until 6 months or so ago to get to a point where I seriously had a reason to.

And now, on the yoga mat on my bedroom floor, I sit, the SN components in my drawer sitting so tantalizingly in wait for my courage or bravado to peak and convince me to leave this world behind. Thinking, deleting pictures off my phone, wondering if there's any possible way for a human brain to conceptualize the aftermath of one's own death. Infinite grief released in every direction, aimed hardest at the people who love me most. The people who I would blindside with a tragedy the size of a nuclear bomb.

The fear. It feels like I could live with it now, but I know "living with it" is exactly what I'm trying to stop doing, and that means I have to face it. The end. No more. Whatever that means. I want it, so bad.

 

[joeypaedilla]

For what it's worth i feel the same. Spent today not doing anything at all except maybe trying to fiddle around with some programs on my pc. I'm in the same boat just thinking of the harm I'll cause my family mentally.

 

[s00ngone]

For what it's worth i feel the same. Spent today not doing anything at all except maybe trying to fiddle around with some programs on my pc. I'm in the same boat just thinking of the harm I'll cause my family mentally.

How do you feel when you think about it? For me it's this awful doom spliced with faint impressions of the horror of them finding my body, or of my mom or sister or dad years into the future thinking of me and still in disbelief that I'm really gone.

I do feel guilty about essentially taking my pain, cutting it off at 22 years, and then cursing my family to live the rest of their lives in pain without me. I mean, my sister's 16, barely a senior in high school. It's enough ruminating to fill a dark bedroom with tonight.

 

[joeypaedilla]

Man I'm 31. I think about the moment they find the body. My wife would be completely devastated but I know she's strong to help guide the rest. It's my mom I can imagine being the most broken. She's the sweetest lady you'll ever meet and she tries her hardest to get me to not be in the state that I am. She really thinks she can turn me around and fix me and I'm tearing up just thinking one day I'll destroy her when she eventually sees i ctb