ryo
New Member
- Apr 12, 2025
- 3
Hello. I am currently 19, first year university student in a third-world country. This is my first post here so please bear with my bad English, sorry!
It often weighs on me, this feeling that I haven't adequately expressed the love I've held for people. There are feelings that have persisted for years, sometimes towards individuals I haven't interacted with in a long time, yet those feelings haven't faded. They just... haven't gone away.
I've survived suicidal thoughts that came to my ideation many times, with varying degrees of intensity. It feels genuinely weird, that I'm still here, still alive.
Maybe it's supposed to be that way because I have a fucked up borderline personality disorder brain. It sometimes feels like I'm someone who would be gone if I wasn't constantly clinging onto life by fragile threads. I am someone who would be dead.
Maybe some normal person would call my experience and how I can never get over exes "attachment issues", but in reality it feels like an unending state of love and pain, fueled by memories that are deeply ingrained, almost burnt into my mind. It's this persistent internal reality that sustains these feelings, even across long periods without interaction.
To be fair I have tried alot of ways to CTB, like jumping off from the third floor of my high school but instead I got on the local news instead, and melatonin overdosing, which didn't work unfortunately
It often weighs on me, this feeling that I haven't adequately expressed the love I've held for people. There are feelings that have persisted for years, sometimes towards individuals I haven't interacted with in a long time, yet those feelings haven't faded. They just... haven't gone away.
I've survived suicidal thoughts that came to my ideation many times, with varying degrees of intensity. It feels genuinely weird, that I'm still here, still alive.
Maybe it's supposed to be that way because I have a fucked up borderline personality disorder brain. It sometimes feels like I'm someone who would be gone if I wasn't constantly clinging onto life by fragile threads. I am someone who would be dead.
Maybe some normal person would call my experience and how I can never get over exes "attachment issues", but in reality it feels like an unending state of love and pain, fueled by memories that are deeply ingrained, almost burnt into my mind. It's this persistent internal reality that sustains these feelings, even across long periods without interaction.
To be fair I have tried alot of ways to CTB, like jumping off from the third floor of my high school but instead I got on the local news instead, and melatonin overdosing, which didn't work unfortunately
