Venting I'm so disgusting

[Sleepwalkuntilsane]

I can never make myself do anything, even if I want to do it or if it matters to me. It feels like there's some force pressing down on me that prevents me from properly caring about anything or connecting to other people. I'm slowly failing college and the few people I interacted with have become more and more distant as they find other people who are better at being a human than I am. The worst part is that it's all my fault, there's no one to blame for the way that I am, and really there's no excuse for my constant wallowing in my own misery. It's not the fault of my parents, or my teachers, or my mental illnesses, or my substance addictions. People have gone through much worse and have come out fine, it's just the fact that I am the worst at being a person, that I cannot function and crumble at the slightest resistance in anything that make me the way that I am. I almost don't want to CTB because I feel like I deserve to live in pain, like this is my penance for letting everyone around me down.

 

[58Alice85]

Eh this is not so disgusting. I once I had this psychotic episode where I spitted all over the floor so much, must have been a small bucket of spit, then went rolling in the spit making these disgusting noises of being chocked, laughter and out-loud comments to the voices in my head.

 

[NutOrat]

Life is disgusting, not you.

 

[whywere]

1st and foremost, it is NOT your fault EVER.

Please let me explain myself. Being human, we ALL have "learning episodes", never ever mistakes. This is one of the ways that we blossom. We also have times when we are firing on all cylinders and having a great go of things. That is called life.

I have in over 6 decades had some REAL learning lessons and it taught me well.

Same with you, you are a caring and loving spirit, as your post says that so loud and clear, it really does.

You are spreading your wings and PLEASE try and not be so hard on yourself, as you have the intelligence and fortitude to be YOU, not anyone else, but YO, and that is GREAT!

I have seen in my 69 years on this planet, especially in business, loud, egotistical people who thought that they were everything and they were actually nothing. Now, you ARE someone who is on the road of life to be great, as you are thoughtful, common and you know how to be you without making a scene about yourself, but to do it in a quiet and respective manner, other words you are a WINNER!

I have been around SO MANY "puffery" folks and you are the complete opposite, so refreshing.

Again, please for my sake, ease up on beating yourself up, as you are a WONDERFUL soul, believe it, I do!!

Have a fantastic rest of this week and an upcoming weekend filled with sunny blue skies, love and the family here.

Walter

 

[Jadeith]

I can never make myself do anything, even if I want to do it or if it matters to me.

From what i was informed, it's one of the symptoms of the depression.

The worst part is that it's all my fault

Not exactly. Just as it's not your fault when you catch cold. And depression is far more "complicated" than cold. Both in terms of preventing and in terms of treating properly. We're rarely taught how to deal with it and next to never how to prevent it so you can't blame yourself for not avoiding danger you were not aware of.

People have gone through much worse and have come out fine

And some ended up dead, despite having it not so much worse. It's not a competition so there's no reason to compare yourself to others like that.

I cannot function and crumble at the slightest resistance in anything that make me the way that I am

Yup. That's what depression does to a person.

To sum up - you are not disgusting. You need help. Thing is, it's not easy to get it and even more difficult to ask for but still possible. And there's nothing disgusting about you in what you said.

 

[JustDreamer]

If it makes you feel any better you're not alone. I'm in the exact same boat as you are and you've described the feeling the same way I have, especially feeling like a bad human or that I should be doing better because others have gone through worse and done better. I've stopped doing things I enjoy because it all feels too much. I've failed the same calculus class 2 times and am about to do it for another time… no matter how many times I fail I cannot bring myself to focus on it, I don't ask for help, and I procrastinate until the last minute despite knowing I need to do better. Any small thing sends me spiraling too. My biggest reason for wanting to CTB is due to feeling like I'm failing my parents, my family, and everyone who has helped me get this far. So you are not alone. I'm sorry you're feeling like this too, it's awful and suffocating. Sending Love.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm much older than you (I'm from Indonesia). But I can also relate with you. But, perhaps different from you, I wish I could just disappear into nothingness that easily / instantly. If there is a 'red button' that I could press, then I would already immediately now just press it. But sadly, reality is cruel. It doesn't allow us to do that. So we have to suffer everyday (for my case, more like mentally, emotionally, & even in the deepest 'existential' level).

People nowadays/today keep talking about 'self-upgrade', 'maxxing-up', 'change for better', 'self-improvement', as if all those things are so simple/easy to do. If it were that easy, then I'm sure all of us wouldn't be here in this 'dark' online forum/website, right?

And it's also heartbreaking & soul-crushing, to experience the proverbial "I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens." , because it's true, unfortunately, in reality. Whenever I try to get my hopes up, & even whenever at least I've already *TRIED* to do something good, but in the end eventually, reality keeps crushing & destroying all the hopes, 'little happiness' that I have left. I don't even know why?!

I do also know (& admit) that it's mostly all my faults/wrongs/mistakes & regrets. I know I'm a failure. But, at the same time, like I've just said before, it's just heartbreaking & soul-crushing to always keep seeing that all my efforts & good intentions just, in the end eventually, go down the drains. Especially when you're already so depressed in life. It's not easy. It's far from easy! & that's what most people don't understand (sadly/unfortunately).