I'm so close and so scared what is after.

[TydalWave]

When I first got my plan together for SN I felt the largest sense of calm in a long time knowing I had a relatively peaceful escape when I needed it.

Now, I have all the ingredients except for the meto which will be arriving sometime this week and life has gotten so much worse since my initial plans. I should feel even more relieved to know it will be over soon but recently I have just been overcome by fear. I don't know if it is SI because it is all becoming so real or if it's just my anxiety disorder on full swing due to the recent life events that have quite honestly battered me emotionally.

Either way it sucks. It makes me want to CTB more than ever, but I am also afraid that it is going to get in my way or stop me from being succesful. I feel like I need to be in this state of calm before I go through with this in order for it to work and right now life is so bad that I can't reach that.

I have been watching NDE videos to try to calm my nerves. But, the more I hear people's stories about the other side and the journeys our souls are put on, the more I fear that maybe this suffering in my life is deserved. Like if any of that is true, what could I have done to be put in this body and life that is so terrible that I deserved this suffering. And what life lessons was I suppose to learn from this suffering that would get me out of it. If there were any, I feel like I must have missed them and I have this irrational fear that I am just going to be put back in this same loop again and again until I do. Because of this, the fear of any afterlife, past life or future lives scares me. I want out of this life, but I am afraid if the exit will be even worse.

 

[almaranthine]

I used to fully believe in past lives, that the soul is on a journey, that my soul perhaps even made a "contract" so to speak planning to experience the things I have and that I was supposed to learn and grow from them... but now, I feel like it was all just a delusion that I bought into, because I know there are people out there who have experienced far greater suffering than me, inexplicable horrors, and I just can't justify that the immense torture that people experience on this earth was all for their "soul's education" or whatever. If it is real, and this is the case, whatever power that forces people to go through this hell isn't benevolent and I don't care how many times I get recycled through their fucked up "program".

 

[locked*n*loaded]

When I first got my plan together for SN I felt the largest sense of calm in a long time knowing I had a relatively peaceful escape when I needed it.

Now, I have all the ingredients except for the meto which will be arriving sometime this week and life has gotten so much worse since my initial plans. I should feel even more relieved to know it will be over soon but recently I have just been overcome by fear. I don't know if it is SI because it is all becoming so real or if it's just my anxiety disorder on full swing due to the recent life events that have quite honestly battered me emotionally.

Either way it sucks. It makes me want to CTB more than ever, but I am also afraid that it is going to get in my way or stop me from being succesful. I feel like I need to be in this state of calm before I go through with this in order for it to work and right now life is so bad that I can't reach that.

I have been watching NDE videos to try to calm my nerves. But, the more I hear people's stories about the other side and the journeys our souls are put on, the more I fear that maybe this suffering in my life is deserved. Like if any of that is true, what could I have done to be put in this body and life that is so terrible that I deserved this suffering. And what life lessons was I suppose to learn from this suffering that would get me out of it. If there were any, I feel like I must have missed them and I have this irrational fear that I am just going to be put back in this same loop again and again until I do. Because of this, the fear of any afterlife, past life or future lives scares me. I want out of this life, but I am afraid if the exit will be even worse.

Hypothetical:

Imagine you were placed on a deserted island as a newborn baby all by yourself, and somehow, miraculously, were able to survive and grow, let's say into your middle teenage years. For all that time you had absolutely no contact with any other person. Obviously, you wouldn't be able to speak, as there was no one to teach you sounds and words.

If this happened, do you think that you would have the idea of a God, or any higher power, or the concept of an afterlife, in your mind?

 

[TydalWave]

Hypothetical:

Imagine you were placed on a deserted island as a newborn baby all by yourself, and somehow, miraculously, were able to survive and grow, let's say into your middle teenage years. For all that time you had absolutely no contact with any other person. Obviously, you wouldn't be able to speak, as there was no one to teach you sounds and words.

If this happened, do you think that you would have the idea of a God, or any higher power, or the concept of an afterlife, in your mind?

I would probably have no concept of death either, so the concept of an after-life probably wouldn't be there. I may have an idea of some sort of God, or higher power as I would hope that I would question my existence and that seems to be the natural human assumption over centuries.

To be fair, I've never had much belief in a God or religion in the first place. Most of my assumptions in life have been backed by science and reason and religions have always felt like the antithesis of that. I do fully believe there has to be some greater reason to this life that I am not aware of, because the idea that this trivial life of suffering being all there is, for no reason other than it existing seems grotesque and unrealistic.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I would probably have no concept of death either, so the concept of an after-life probably wouldn't be there. I may have an idea of some sort of God, or higher power as I would hope that I would question my existence and that seems to be the natural human assumption over centuries.

Personally, I don't think you'd have any conception of some sort of God. I don't think that concept exists inherently within our being. I believe that kind of thing is only imparted into us through other human beings. I don't believe it exists and manifests itself from some sort of internal "memory bank" or something. I believe when people started questioning their reason for existence, the idea of a higher power came through discussion with other people. I think "smart" men came up with the concept of "something else" as people were questioning who they are, what they are, why they were here, etc. To me, it would be easy to come up with a concept like that. All it would take is to look to the heavens and its vastness. Way back, they didn't even know what they were looking at up there. None of it made sense to them. It's not that far a leap to invent some creator of all this. But, everyone has their own beliefs, so whatever works for you is what counts.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally could never believe in any afterlife no matter what, I believe it to just be a fictional concept, but after all there is no escaping death, our fate as humans is to die so there is no point to fearing it. To me all suffering is meaningless and unnecessary and human life is just a result of evolution and random factors that eventually lead to our individual existence. There's no deeper meaning behind it all, our lives are all insignificant.

But it must be dreadful having those fears and tiring having to endure so much anxiety. I think that for many people it can be difficult to feel completely calm as they plan to leave this world, because after all, even know we want to be free from everything all humans are programmed to survive.
I wish you freedom.

 

[makethepainstop]

Sometimes is better not to over think when your planning, an er a vacation!

 

[TydalWave]

Sometimes is better not to over think when your planning, an er a vacation!

I don't know if it is possible to over think this decision. It is the last decision I will ever make in this body.

I personally could never believe in any afterlife no matter what, I believe it to just be a fictional concept, but after all there is no escaping death, our fate as humans is to die so there is no point to fearing it. To me all suffering is meaningless and unnecessary and human life is just a result of evolution and random factors that eventually lead to our individual existence. There's no deeper meaning behind it all, our lives are all insignificant.

But it must be dreadful having those fears and tiring having to endure so much anxiety. I think that for many people it can be difficult to feel completely calm as they plan to leave this world, because after all, even know we want to be free from everything all humans are programmed to survive.
I wish you freedom.

I agree that all of the concepts we have of the afterlife are fiction. I don't think it is possible for us to know the answers to these questions. But just as I am reluctant to assume any existing theories are right, I don't see how one can make the assumption that nothing exists after death either.

Thus, the only reasonable conclusion I can make is that something may exist after death or it may not. If nothing exists after death than nothing I do in this life matters and my decision to CTB is as insignificant as any other decision I have ever made. Thus, there is seemingly no reason for me to put any mental effort into the possibility that nothing exists after death since it would deem any action I do meaningless.

For this reason, I choose to think through the possibility of something existing after death. Not because I believe it, but because it is the only outcome that my actions here on Earth, and ultimately my choice to CTB could possibly affect.

 

[Obliviate]

Hi, I am going through the exact same situation. EVERYTHING you said I felt exactly. to the initial relief to the now anxiety, to the watching NDE's and anxiety about the afterlife....it's like you're me. I'm very close to my exit also and am terrified but getting glimpses of calmness and we'll finally be free. I don't want to think negatively about the after life. I just want my peace and heaven.
I keep telling god and my angels that I REFUSE to do reincarnation. I've had enough. It also makes me wonder if I was a bad person in my previous lives(if reincarnation exists) and why the FUCK did I agree to the life prior? All I know is that I have been a mostly kind hearted good person wanting world peace. I just want my heaven. I can't do this anymore

 

[TydalWave]

Hi, I am going through the exact same situation. EVERYTHING you said I felt exactly. to the initial relief to the now anxiety, to the watching NDE's and anxiety about the afterlife....it's like you're me. I'm very close to my exit also and am terrified but getting glimpses of calmness and we'll finally be free. I don't want to think negatively about the after life. I just want my peace and heaven.
I keep telling god and my angels that I REFUSE to do reincarnation. I've had enough. It also makes me wonder if I was a bad person in my previous lives(if reincarnation exists) and why the FUCK did I agree to the life prior? All I know is that I have been a mostly kind hearted good person wanting world peace. I just want my heaven. I can't do this anymore

SAME. I am beginning to think that this is just the mind's natural response to accepting death. A lot of us on here have seemed to gravitate toward similar thoughts; even those like myself who spent most of their lives only believing in what could be defended by science and data.

Maybe that mindset I held my whole life was just the best mindset at the time to rationalize my existence as a human in a world that I did not understand but could only attempt to figure out by trusting the tools provided to me for measuring.

And in that same light, this new mindset is the one that best serves my exit. When we leave this world we are choosing a door for which we don't know what is behind. It could be nothing. Science would say it is nothing. But science cannot say why we are here to begin with, so how can it be trusted to determine where we go when we exit. Science can only measure what is physically around us in this world and in this life. Nothing before and nothing after.