I have convinced myself for my entire life that one day, in the future, I would be better. I would be a better person, in a better place. I am both now. I am better to my friends, my family. I live with my loving partner. I am supposed to be so happy. Maybe it's my fault, for being so ungrateful that even this isn't enough for me, but most of my logical brain knows that that isn't a rational way to think. It isn't a cosmic feat of utter disdain that made me so neutral and consistently depressed, its just the way things always have been. All I have ever wanted is for things to get better, for me to be happy. I have years upon years worth of physical journals detailing just how badly I have always wanted that. I don't know why I can't have it, can't let myself have it, or whatever pseudo-psycho explanation there is.
There isn't anything wrong with me. I grew up poor, I am still poor now as an adult (though, more organized lol), therefore I have never been clinically tested or diagnosed with anything. I wish it was as easy as assigning a name to a feeling and that feeling leaving my body forever. I don't know what could help me. If this, everything I wanted, couldn't help me, I don't know what can.
I feel edgy and hopeless. I feel pathetic being here. I miss people I shouldn't miss and I don't know what to do (or, I do know what to do, I just cannot bring myself to do it at this very moment). It feels as if I am always waiting for just one more thing to push me over the edge. Last week, I told myself that if I got fired, that was the final straw.
Today, they got close to firing me. Not quite 'go home, never come back', but definitely a thin line to walk when I feel so volatile. I used to hurt myself when I lived alone. It always made me feel better and stopped the thoughts from getting this bad, but I can't do that anymore. My partner will know, they'll feel terrible, they'll think they did something wrong when its only ever been about me. Really, it is just about me. Everyone around me is great. I love my parents, my friends that I still have, my partner, my partners family.
By existing, I am a weight upon the shoulders of anybody that ever agreed to bare me. I feel horrible. I feel distant. I feel like there wil never be a day, ever, when I don't feel like this, to at least some extent. I just want to know whats so wrong with me that I refuse to feel good about anything that has ever happened in my life.
Sorry for making an account and immediately dropping the most boring vent of this sites life. I hope everyone is doing well.
There isn't anything wrong with me. I grew up poor, I am still poor now as an adult (though, more organized lol), therefore I have never been clinically tested or diagnosed with anything. I wish it was as easy as assigning a name to a feeling and that feeling leaving my body forever. I don't know what could help me. If this, everything I wanted, couldn't help me, I don't know what can.
I feel edgy and hopeless. I feel pathetic being here. I miss people I shouldn't miss and I don't know what to do (or, I do know what to do, I just cannot bring myself to do it at this very moment). It feels as if I am always waiting for just one more thing to push me over the edge. Last week, I told myself that if I got fired, that was the final straw.
Today, they got close to firing me. Not quite 'go home, never come back', but definitely a thin line to walk when I feel so volatile. I used to hurt myself when I lived alone. It always made me feel better and stopped the thoughts from getting this bad, but I can't do that anymore. My partner will know, they'll feel terrible, they'll think they did something wrong when its only ever been about me. Really, it is just about me. Everyone around me is great. I love my parents, my friends that I still have, my partner, my partners family.
By existing, I am a weight upon the shoulders of anybody that ever agreed to bare me. I feel horrible. I feel distant. I feel like there wil never be a day, ever, when I don't feel like this, to at least some extent. I just want to know whats so wrong with me that I refuse to feel good about anything that has ever happened in my life.
Sorry for making an account and immediately dropping the most boring vent of this sites life. I hope everyone is doing well.
