Venting I'm so alone.

[dhk96]

There's feeling lonely (another topic for another day) and then there's feeling alone. Not having anyone to turn to or understand how I feel. Even if they could understand, they won't come to any other conclusion other than "just live." Just try, just cope, just continue with therapy, just take your medication, just take a 'break.' In my world, all that translates to is just keep suffering.

I dont wan't to try anymore and I don't want to cope anymore. I never wanted to. I've always secretly struggled and struggled and only got to this point by half-assing everything I've done, and somehow it worked. But I can't even get myself to half-ass anything anymore. I don't want to face reality, I don't want to face change, and I don't want to face the future. I want to stop suffering, I want to stop thinking, and I want to stop feeling. I want to stop existing. I want peace. Please stop expecting me to live. Please stop expecting me to keep spending the rest of my life in fear, in anger, in sadness, in anxiousness, and in insecurity.

Honestly, I was feeling very weak today. I cried so hard under the sadness and anxiety and decided to call my older sister because I have no one else to talk to. Midway through the conversation, she said "if you were really suicidal, you would have killed yourself a long time ago." And then there was the spiel about things getting better, talk therapy, and medication helping everyone out.

Why did I even try?

 

[OkTotti]

i feel you, sister... pretty much how i feel and i imagine a bunch of others on SS

 

[TheLastTrip]

We're always here to turn to and to understand *hugs*

The 'real' world might not understand, but SS is a special place :)

 

[dhk96]

i feel you, sister... pretty much how i feel and i imagine a bunch of others on SS

If only we could all magically sit down in one spot, back to back, and do nothing but be sad together.

 

[LetMeDiePlease]

All those pro-life people are extremely pretentious about how you much they want to help you, but in the end they don't give a damn and we have to come on to SS to find others who actually understand.

 

[Retched]

There's feeling lonely (another topic for another day) and then there's feeling alone. Not having anyone to turn to or understand how I feel. Even if they could understand, they won't come to any other conclusion other than "just live." Just try, just cope, just continue with therapy, just take your medication, just take a 'break.' In my world, all that translates to is just keep suffering.

I dont wan't to try anymore and I don't want to cope anymore. I never wanted to. I've always secretly struggled and struggled and only got to this point by half-assing everything I've done, and somehow it worked. But I can't even get myself to half-ass anything anymore. I don't want to face reality, I don't want to face change, and I don't want to face the future. I want to stop suffering, I want to stop thinking, and I want to stop feeling. I want to stop existing. I want peace. Please stop expecting me to live. Please stop expecting me to keep spending the rest of my life in fear, in anger, in sadness, in anxiousness, and in insecurity.

Honestly, I was feeling very weak today. I cried so hard under the sadness and anxiety and decided to call my older sister because I have no one else to talk to. Midway through the conversation, she said "if you were really suicidal, you would have killed yourself a long time ago." And then there was the spiel about things getting better, talk therapy, and medication helping everyone out.

Why did I even try?

I tried to kms. And I am alone with one other family member now. I have no plans for the holidays, not even cooking. I texted my mom about my sadness (she went on a trip to visit my brother and his family) and she told me to "hang in there." It took me all that I could to not text back "partial or full suspension?" She glosses over my suicide attempt as if it was just a cry for help. Which it was a cry for death, only my own stupidity messed it up. . . but that is irrelevant. What I'm trying to say is I never should have told her anything. I totally feel your pain.

 

[Retched]

If only we could all magically sit down in one spot, back to back, and do nothing but be sad together.

With a punch bowl full of N.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think in many ways we're alone together here on SS. It's a nice feeling, reading this and knowing that even if it's shitty for the person in question, their experience is so relatable that on some level you feel you are connected. This is the only place online I've ever had that feeling. It's crazy just how similar many of these situations are. I literally spoke to my older sister last week and had a conversation that sounds a lot like yours. It was very unsatisfying, with me just kind of wanting to open up a little and commiserate, and her basically saying she didn't get how I was feeling, and how could she be expected to, etc. Then you just feel foolish and naive for having opened up and wishing you'd kept quiet.

 

[dhk96]

I tried to kms. And I am alone with one other family member now. I have no plans for the holidays, not even cooking. I texted my mom about my sadness (she went on a trip to visit my brother and his family) and she told me to "hang in there." It took me all that I could to not text back "partial or full suspension?" She glosses over my suicide attempt as if it was just a cry for help. Which it was a cry for death, only my own stupidity messed it up. . . but that is irrelevant. What I'm trying to say is I never should have told her anything. I totally feel your pain.

Yeah. It feels like no one would care until I'm actually gone, and even then I start wondering who will stop caring about my death the earliest. Though it would be best for them to move on as fast as possible. I'm also sorry that she didn't seem to take it very seriously. It must have hurt a lot. Something as small as a call asking you how you were may have helped.

With a punch bowl full of N.

Haha, I'd toast to that.

 

[dhk96]

I literally spoke to my older sister last week and had a conversation that sounds a lot like yours. It was very unsatisfying, with me just kind of wanting to open up a little and commiserate, and her basically saying she didn't get how I was feeling, and how could she be expected to, etc. Then you just feel foolish and naive for having opened up and wishing you'd kept quiet.

It's probably near impossible for someone who's not suicidal to understand. But I wish they would be able to just listen and accept what's being said without deflecting anything. It's like...opening up to others is a last resort type of action, when we feel our most vulnerable, and so it's a very painful and empty experience when the people we try to confide in react that way. Thank you for telling me about what happened with you and your sister btw.

 

[MachineGunDani]

Wow. I feel this post. It was like I wrote it!! I feel exactly the same way and I'm sorry bc I kno how bad it sucks. I'm too low to elaborate but I can relate! Hugs

 

[dhk96]

Wow. I feel this post. It was like I wrote it!! I feel exactly the same way and I'm sorry bc I kno how bad it sucks. I'm too low to elaborate but I can relate! Hugs

*hugs back tightly*

Thanks :)

 

[Deleted member 1496]

"if you were really suicidal, you would have killed yourself a long time ago."

That's what my ex-gf said to me, specifically, "If you haven't done it yet, you probably won't".

I understand that people may not have solutions, but damn, are they googling for things not to say? It almost felt like she was saying "next topic". If she can't handle it, that's fine. Someone told me they couldn't handle it when I talk about suicide as an option. Wasn't great to hear, but it didn't feel insulting.

*Hugs* Therapist and pro-lifers talk about the key life being learning how to manage, learning how to cope. Hi, I'm TiredOfCoping. :)

 

[dhk96]

I understand that people may not have solutions, but damn, are they googling for things not to say?

This exactly. That must have been a horrible feeling, being dismissed like that.

*Hugs* Therapist and pro-lifers talk about the key life being learning how to manage, learning how to cope. Hi, I'm TiredOfCoping. :)

They may say things like "you haven't lived long enough and you're gonna find some meaning to life but you'll never know unless you keep trying." But coping to live and living to cope until the time comes isn't really much of a life. Telling some of us that medicine and therapy combined will eventually make us 'want to live' is a substitute for "keep living until the end and see how it goes," which is exactly what I don't want to do.

P.S. Thank you for the hugs.

 

[TiredHorse]

I am so very alone, in so many ways.

I dont wan't to try anymore and I don't want to cope anymore. I never wanted to. I've always secretly struggled and struggled and only got to this point by half-assing everything I've done, and somehow it worked. But I can't even get myself to half-ass anything anymore. I don't want to face reality, I don't want to face change, and I don't want to face the future. I want to stop suffering, I want to stop thinking, and I want to stop feeling. I want to stop existing. I want peace. Please stop expecting me to live. Please stop expecting me to keep spending the rest of my life in fear, in anger, in sadness, in anxiousness, and in insecurity.

This. Exactly this. I am so sorry, Dhk96. It's so bloody awful.

I talk to my mother and she tries to tell me, "I know what it's like! You just need to look at all that's right in your life and you can get through this!"

No, Mom, if you are imagining that that advice is relevant, then clearly you have not been where I am now.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a group of us together? To not have to worry about wearing smiley masks and watching what we say? Even without the N-punch --hell, I'd settle for a cup of coffee!-- it'd be a gathering worth having.

Well said, Dhk96.

 

[worldexploder]

I'm very sorry you're feeling this way but I can relate. There is only so much a therapist, medication, and "positive thinking" can do. Our brains are wired and function in a way society just won't accept. If we seek therapy and are still not high on happy, we get blamed. We are blamed for our lives sucking in the first place. Simple textbook solutions don't work very well for complex problems resonating from the most complex organ (the brain) in the known universe. I got tired of jumping though hoops years ago. I still see a psychiatrist for medication and to maintain my SSI.

We also gotta deal with the fact that these therapists are apart of the pro-life nuclei. From a personal standpoint - I know the causalities of my problems and how severe they are. I know exactly what to do to fix these problems. To society, my idea is too taboo.

 

[dhk96]

I talk to my mother and she tries to tell me, "I know what it's like! You just need to look at all that's right in your life and you can get through this!"

No, Mom, if you are imagining that that advice is relevant, then clearly you have not been where I am now.
.

There are positive things and things that can be enjoyed. And it's possible to laugh and crack jokes from time to time because we still have personalities and emotions and interests. The problem is that, at the end of the day, nothing is worth it. Nothing is worth continuing to suffer for. Everything has become a postponement of death.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a group of us together? To not have to worry about wearing smiley masks and watching what we say? Even without the N-punch --hell, I'd settle for a cup of coffee!-- it'd be a gathering worth having.

Yeah. It would be a cathartic sort of comfort just being in each others' company.

Also, here's a hug to continue the lovely train of hugs we've been getting here.

*hugs*

 

[dhk96]

If we seek therapy and are still not high on happy, we get blamed.

This happened recently with my new psychiatrist. It's been a little under four weeks that I've started taking a different antidepressant and it has made me noticeably more tired and sleepy (and sometimes nauseated). I met with her to talk to her about the symptoms, but she mostly expected me to have felt happier, saying "something should have happened by now."

We also gotta deal with the fact that these therapists are apart of the pro-life nuclei. From a personal standpoint - I know the causalities of my problems and how severe they are. I know exactly what to do to fix these problems. To to society, my idea is taboo.

That's true. It's also why it's so hard to not feel alone, like an 'alone in the end' kind of feeling.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[worldexploder]

This happened recently with my new psychiatrist. It's been a little under four weeks that I've started taking a different antidepressant and it has made me noticeably more tired and sleepy (and sometimes nauseated). I met with her to talk to her about the symptoms, but she mostly expected me to have felt happier, saying "something should have happened by now."


That's true. It's also why it's so hard to not feel alone, like an 'alone in the end' kind of feeling.

Thank you for sharing.

These people are so freaking arrogant! Life doesn't work like a Zoloft commercial. Not sure if you ever seen the commercials but they start off with this sad blob like character with a storm cloud over his head. Then he takes Zoloft and all the sudden he's jumping and smiling with the birds and butterflies. That's fantasy not reality.

I been on meds since I was 7 years old. Most of them made my symptoms a lot worse. Despite the side effects, the doctors never listened to me as a kid. I started taking Paxil in my early 20s which stopped my panic attacks. I also take propranolol and Xanax. It takes a very slight edge off and my life is still in the gutter. My psychiatrist wants me to take Wellbutrin along with my current meds but I dont feel like being a guinea pig.

You're very welcome. I totally get what you mean by being alone. This is why SS helps me so much. People here GET IT! You won't find this sort of validation in a councilors office. It's hard living amongst the optimistic majority.

 

[dhk96]

Life doesn't work like a Zoloft commercial. Not sure if you ever seen the commercials but they start off with this sad blob like character with a storm cloud over his head. Then he takes Zoloft and all the sudden he's jumping and smiling with the birds and butterflies. That's fantasy not reality.

I haven't haha but what a lucky blob! I bet some people would argue that Zoloft was the right medication for him and that we simply have to find our own.

I'm glad that your panic attacks have gotten better though. Anything to help you feel less debilitated while you're still alive should be a good thing. The antidepressant I'm taking right now is Lexapro and it's making me sleep and want to sleep most of the day. To counteract that, my psychiatrist actually prescribed me Wellbutrin (it's supposed to help me be more awake) and today was my first dose. I think I felt the effects immediately. I was less groggy today but there were some other side effects like a lasting dull headache and stomach cramps. I almost threw up at one point, but your experience might be different. Let me know if you do end up adding it to your regimen.

Also... *hugs*

 

[worldexploder]

I haven't haha but what a lucky blob! I bet some people would argue that Zoloft was the right medication for him and that we simply have to find our own.

I'm glad that your panic attacks have gotten better though. Anything to help you feel less debilitated while you're still alive should be a good thing. The antidepressant I'm taking right now is Lexapro and it's making me sleep and want to sleep most of the day. To counteract that, my psychiatrist actually prescribed me Wellbutrin (it's supposed to help me be more awake) and today was my first dose. I think I felt the effects immediately. I was less groggy today but there were some other side effects like a lasting dull headache and stomach cramps. I almost threw up at one point, but your experience might be different. Let me know if you do end up adding it to your regimen.

Also... *hugs*

"Hugs" back. I'll let ya know if I start taking the Wellbutrin. Goodluck with your meds. I actually take half the Paxil I'm recommended because of the grogginess. Nobody should have to deal with all these side effects.

Zoloft commercial


A funny but true video I discovered a couple weeks ago.

 

[dhk96]

"Hugs" back. I'll let ya know if I start taking the Wellbutrin. Goodluck with your meds. I actually take half the Paxil I'm recommended because of the grogginess. Nobody should have to deal with all these side effects.

Zoloft commercial


A funny but true video I discovered a couple weeks ago.

Best of luck to you too.

I'm gonna switch to my PC to watch the vids because I'm only getting audio on my phone when I click play. Thanks for the links.

 

[worldexploder]

Best of luck to you too.

I'm gonna switch to my PC to watch the vids because I'm only getting audio on my phone when I click play. Thanks for the links.

You're very welcome.

 

[Finallyhere]

I am taking Wellbutrin right now and it doesn't do much for me. Apparently it takes weeks to kick in but it's already been almost a month. Psychiatrists are crazy, they don't know what to prescribe half the time. I'm on Latuda, hydroxyzine and Wellbutrin. Latuda and hydroxyzine were supposed to be for sleep but they don't help me stay asleep. I always wake up after four hours. Just give me some fucking fentanyl already and put me out of my misery. I have cancer in my soul.

My psychiatrist said that if I keep up my suicidal behavior that no one will believe me. Idk wtf that was supposed to mean.

Occasionally I get brief moments of "ok, I can be happy with what I've got" but that fades quick ;(

Being alone is brutal. My parents had it way worse than I did so they say if they can avoid being depressed, then I should be able to do it too. "Think about all the starving people in war torn countries." I feel worse knowing that my problems are insignificant compared to what they went through. Kinda makes me feel more weak rather than inspired.

This life? It's a goddamn cruel joke. I'm also tired of suffering, thinking and coping. It is only getting harder and worse and there's no easy solution. I hate how self-centered our society is and what it's turned me into. I'm not hopeful or happy because society is full of shit and it always has been. Yeah people get together in their groups and celebrate life, that's great. But what about the cost of it all? I'm literally paralyzed by the fact that I have to rely on a system that makes me a hypocrite through my behavior.

Like yeah, it's great you can live like a king in vietnam, but that's only for people who can afford to take a trip there after we destroyed their citizens for years. The system sometimes rewards those who struggle, but we're supposed to be happy and accept our place at the table.

In all honesty, the system is built for the privileged and to some of the world, we are apart of that privilege. I feel like that's where my depression is rooted. I'm privileged yet I feel immense guilt over not doing more, not being better. I feel punished by the system I rely on due to my own inadequacies. There's nothing I can do except go crazy or conform. Either way it's a struggle.

SS is kinda the only place where people can express their deepest thoughts without judgment or fear I'm honestly glad I have this privilege, even if I don't want to be here.