This might be a hot take but I think as long as you don't act on your desires then you're not bringing them into "reality," so to speak. I can think all sorts of things in my head but just because I do it doesn't make them real, after all it's just in your head. An action is reality and a thought is just imagination. (sorry if this is tilting into advice territory, I don't want to invalidate your sorrows, but please be kind to yourself if you've done nothing wrong)
I feel the exact same way though, I feel like I've hurt everyone and anyone that's come into contact with me my whole life. It's become really exhausting and it only makes me want to disappear from this world.
Thing is, I've watched videos of it in the past. I still feel guilty. I've thought of becoming a furry to deal with the desires in a healthier way, but then I think I'm not good enough to be part of any community, let alone the furry community where people are known to be so kind. I feel like I don't deserve that. I've done wrong and I deserve to be punished. I looked it up and apparently it's not illegal to watch bestiality porn where I live. So if I did confess to the police, they might just tell me to go home. I want to tell my therapist but I haven't yet. I want to go to jail, just to punish myself. I deserve to get beat up. At least in jail I could find someone to give me enough drugs to OD on.
As for your feeling the same, don't. Don't go down the dark path of hating yourself, and if you are on it already, just know that no matter what your mind says, you deserve love and care. You are so capable of being kind and good, it's evident here. You just have to show that part of yourself to people, which is really hard. You are really kind and caring. But please forgive me, I know I don't know you irl and I shouldn't assume so much. I'm sorry if it sounds invalidating in any way. Whatever your struggles are specifically, I wish you the best in life.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We are all humans and no human is perfect.
I think the fact that you haven't harmed anyone or anything is the most important aspect here. ^^
Thank you so much. You are so kind. It feels good being able to open up like this and feel cared about in spite of my flaws. It's something I've been so deeply ashamed of for so long. I'm crying, holy shit. I hope I can ever express how much your comment helps, but I suck with interacting with people.
Well, I'd like to make a point, that the thoughts in our heads are not always actually ours.
I may not be religious, but I still believe in the spiritual world, and the existence of dark entities that like to fuck with us, and implant thoughts, images, ideas into us.
I was lying awake one night and realized that I had a stream of images in my head of me choking, that I was not willingly conjuring.
I also had a dream where something spoke the name "Samael", which I later found out was the angel of death, lol.
My advice would be to not identify with those thoughts, or buy into them.
Thank you for sharing your perspective with me, though I didn't deserve it.
The spiritual world is something I personally don't understand but I've seen and heard many people and cultures view incorporeal beings as things that affect us. I've had all kinds of terrible images enter my head when I don't want it, as well. Thoughts of incest, SA, torture, etc. I feel like a sick person and feel so disgusted with myself.
Samael sounds very interesting. What did they say to you? I'm interested, if that's ok.
Thank you so much for the advice. My question to you is what do I do if I've already succumbed to the thoughts and have watched videos of bestiality? I've never actually participated in it, and wouldn't, but I feel guilt for having watched it. I can't forgive myself. I've cut myself out of anger, forced myself to lick my dirty basement floor and lie naked on the cold stone just to feel the discomfort. I've gone insane just trying to punish myself and make myself feel more shame and isolation. I literally torture myself out of a sick desire to be debased, stemming from my deep guilt.
