I’m scared

[cambrai33]

I cant sleep at all and I've stopped eating, my body has a mild tremble and my tinnitus has elevated itself

Why?

The enormity of leaving soon is just consuming me, I'm getting help but it's not working. I know I need to eat just to be able to function and prepare for my exit but I just have no desire, I just drink tea, lots of tea!

I always hoped something might change, that I glimmer of hope would present itself from an unexpected place but as the days pass and the time draws closer that hope is replaced by a finality about things.

I know the lack of food and sleep isn't helping but it's as if those 2 things are feeding the idealation and the idealation is causing them, like a cyclic chain that I can't seem to break. I'm so tired and so scared too, I used to always jump in when people were feeling low and offer support but I don't even do that now. I hope I can carry out the act but at the same time hate the thought that I can do this because of the lifetime of hurt I will leave behind.

Why am I typing this? I guess just to put into words what's running through my head, there is no help now, just a sense of foreboding about the shit thing I'm going to do soon

Thank you out there whoever reads this

 

[greencondo]

You dont have to do it. Maybe its your body not wanting to go or at least your body in conflict. It would be natural. Much lesser things have caused me to feel those exact symptoms.

Sorry you are here under these circumstances and feeling this way. You must feel miserable. Hugs

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I cant sleep at all and I've stopped eating, my body has a mild tremble and my tinnitus has elevated itself

Why?

The enormity of leaving soon is just consuming me, I'm getting help but it's not working. I know I need to eat just to be able to function and prepare for my exit but I just have no desire, I just drink tea, lots of tea!

I always hoped something might change, that I glimmer of hope would present itself from an unexpected place but as the days pass and the time draws closer that hope is replaced by a finality about things.

I know the lack of food and sleep isn't helping but it's as if those 2 things are feeding the idealation and the idealation is causing them, like a cyclic chain that I can't seem to break. I'm so tired and so scared too, I used to always jump in when people were feeling low and offer support but I don't even do that now. I hope I can carry out the act but at the same time hate the thought that I can do this because of the lifetime of hurt I will leave behind.

Why am I typing this? I guess just to put into words what's running through my head, there is no help now, just a sense of foreboding about the shit thing I'm going to do soon

Thank you out there whoever reads this

When is the last time you ate? Fasting has some powerful benefits for physical and spiritual health. Just be careful to not do anything strenuous.

 

[D&D]

I cant sleep at all and I've stopped eating, my body has a mild tremble and my tinnitus has elevated itself

Why?

The enormity of leaving soon is just consuming me, I'm getting help but it's not working. I know I need to eat just to be able to function and prepare for my exit but I just have no desire, I just drink tea, lots of tea!

I always hoped something might change, that I glimmer of hope would present itself from an unexpected place but as the days pass and the time draws closer that hope is replaced by a finality about things.

I know the lack of food and sleep isn't helping but it's as if those 2 things are feeding the idealation and the idealation is causing them, like a cyclic chain that I can't seem to break. I'm so tired and so scared too, I used to always jump in when people were feeling low and offer support but I don't even do that now. I hope I can carry out the act but at the same time hate the thought that I can do this because of the lifetime of hurt I will leave behind.

Why am I typing this? I guess just to put into words what's running through my head, there is no help now, just a sense of foreboding about the shit thing I'm going to do soon

Thank you out there whoever reads this

Dear @cambrai33

You once told me that my words touch others ... I am writing them here for you.

They are only words but they are all I have.

Your post was the first I saw after being away from the forum for a couple days.

I remember you once said that you are loved by many ... anyone nearby? To hear you? Just to listen?

I am not trying to offer a 'solution' or 'fix' anything ... I am only trying to say - It Is Your Life.

While there is.

There will always be another time. For death. Not for life. Not as we know it.

I do not want to insult you by presuming that I know your pain ... only you know your pain.

My words are plain and my hand is old and tired ... to let you rest in the long grass by a river bank. Just for a while.

To hear wind rustling in the ravine.

Until your heart knows; whether to cross the river or walk its bank ... in peace. Either way.

I am thinking of you. I - 'the boatwoman.'

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it is expected to be a bit scared, as after all we are all programmed to survive. Existence is all we know, and we cannot comprehend what it is like to not exist. Suicide is very difficult and I would only be calm about it all if I had a peaceful and reliable way to exit. I know it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[cambrai33]

When is the last time you ate? Fasting has some powerful benefits for physical and spiritual health. Just be careful to not do anything strenuous.

It's been just over 48hrs now, tummy is rumbling away but no appetite at all. I will eat but only to function as I have no interest in it at all

 

[Sanva]

If you still have hope and if you want things to change, it's okay to wait. Just make sure your decision is well thought through. Sometimes I get kind of panicky and start thinking I HAVE to ctb NOW but really i want to wait for a peaceful moment, when I'm certain I want to go, when I have no more hope left. I suppose that might be wishful thinking because survival instinct can be very strong. But I feel like I've definitely had moments where, if I had had a method, I could have gone through with it feeling calm and sure of my decision. I wish you the best.

 

[cambrai33]

Dear @cambrai33

You once told me that my words touch others ... I am writing them here for you.

They are only words but they are all I have.

Your post was the first I saw after being away from the forum for a couple days.

I remember you once said that you are loved by many ... anyone nearby? To hear you? Just to listen?

I am not trying to offer a 'solution' or 'fix' anything ... I am only trying to say - It Is Your Life.

While there is.

There will always be another time. For death. Not for life. Not as we know it.

I do not want to insult you by presuming that I know your pain ... only you know your pain.

My words are plain and my hand is old and tired ... to let you rest in the long grass by a river bank. Just for a while.

To hear wind rustling in the ravine.

Until your heart knows; whether to cross the river or walk its bank ... in peace. Either way.

I am thinking of you. I - 'the boatwoman.'

Hey you

Yes lots to hear me and try and support me, even 2 types of therapy a week but it's not working and I've past the point now I guess.

Im not even looking for peace as such, it just seems like a destination that I am travelling to, bit of a shit journey and even when I get there it feels empty still.

Its not so much pain even, it's that lack of connection with everything around me, almost like I no longer belong and exist in a parallel place just looking in as the haze of things around me just passes by unnoticed and unimportant.

Its became a destiny all be it ultimately an empty one

Thank you so much for thinking of me, it's means much

I think it is expected to be a bit scared, as after all we are all programmed to survive. Existence is all we know, and we cannot comprehend what it is like to not exist. Suicide is very difficult and I would only be calm about it all if I had a peaceful and reliable way to exit. I know it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Existence, it's funny isnt it, I mean why are we here, what's the purpose? If it's to lead fulfilling lives that are happy I guess if those requirements aren't met then it's just going through the pointless motions.

I haven't slept still and have high hopes for tonight, if not then I have transcended into something new which will break me if I can't rest my mind.

Thank you as always for thinking of me and others

If you still have hope and if you want things to change, it's okay to wait. Just make sure your decision is well thought through. Sometimes I get kind of panicky and start thinking I HAVE to ctb NOW but really i want to wait for a peaceful moment, when I'm certain I want to go, when I have no more hope left. I suppose that might be wishful thinking because survival instinct can be very strong. But I feel like I've definitely had moments where, if I had had a method, I could have gone through with it feeling calm and sure of my decision. I wish you the best.

Thank you

My problem is I have to set things in motion to make it as painless as possible for others, like cutting ties with work and home that I can reverse. It will take a coup,e of weeks to complete but I intend to have literally a carry-on of things left to my name.

That said, yes nothing is truly stopping me from halting tings if that feels right, I'm just scared of the realisation that the end is near

Thank you for commenting and supporting me

 

[D&D]

Hey you

Yes lots to hear me and try and support me, even 2 types of therapy a week but it's not working and I've past the point now I guess.

Im not even looking for peace as such, it just seems like a destination that I am travelling to, bit of a shit journey and even when I get there it feels empty still.

Its not so much pain even, it's that lack of connection with everything around me, almost like I no longer belong and exist in a parallel place just looking in as the haze of things around me just passes by unnoticed and unimportant.

Its became a destiny all be it ultimately an empty one

Thank you so much for thinking of me, it's means much

Hey you too ... I wanted to start my post with those same words but was too scared to.

In case it comes across somehow wrong or inappropriate ... So when I read it - it made me smile. For the first time in ages. Thank you. Fellow traveler.

Thinking. Still.

 

[Live Free or Die]

There's a phamlet/short book they give you when you have a family member who's on hospice and expected to die soon.

Gone from my sight - The dying experience
by Barbara Karnes

It talks about the physical effects on the body when preparing to die. Most notably the lack of appetite and the abrupt stop of eating when everything seemed normal just a few days ago. The body no longer needs physical nourishment, what it needs is spiritual nourishment. So the eating stops as the soul begins to save the spiritual energy it needs to cross into the next life.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I know exactly where you're at right now minus your medical condition. Was in the same place last year. I ate little to nothing, sometimes going days on end without eating at all. I mostly slept, stared at the wall with a blank mind or cried until I got a headache and fell asleep. I stopped one day and decided to go back to where I grew up because after waking up and taking a shower one day that simple act left me winded enough to have to sit down and catch my breath. Afterwards I looked in the mirror and saw one of the most horrifying sites of my life and I have seen and experienced some pretty terrible things. What I saw was barely human. It literally looked like a skeleton with skin stretched over it. That snapped me out of going further down that path and put my mind in a place where I decided to make one more attempt to recover, but more importantly spend some last time with those I love and put my affairs in order.

This is not to say this is what you should do. I am only relating my experience to you as a way of telling you "I get it." Because I truly do. It's a hell that nobody should have to face. But know that there are people here for you if you need them. Some of us truly care because you are human and suffering.

All that said, I truly hope you find peace in one form or another soon. You sound like you truly need it and you most certainly deserve it. Much love and hugs to you.

 

[little helpers]

hey @cambrai33, I get it. I understand. I'm the one person who chronically neglects themself…not really sure if you feel the same. cuz you have insomnia and that's not something of your doing.

I, too, feel like suicide is my fate. like it's written in the stars. destined to fuck up. no light at the end of the tunnel.

though I still think I better not die *this way*. sure, I can't snap my fingers and just fucking shape up. I take "shape up, man!" as an insult in the first place, cuz that is to invalidate the sheer difficulty we're going through. just take baby steps. take one bite of food. one less sip of tea to maybe help with your insomina. do something small. and know it's okay if you fuck up those even. it takes time. so hopefully when you decide to exit it doesn't feel all that much a powerless decision.

and don't worry that you're the one needing support now. you deserve this, just as much as the people you were helping at one point do. sending you hugs.

 

[Onkyo74893]

I cant sleep at all and I've stopped eating, my body has a mild tremble and my tinnitus has elevated itself

Why?

The enormity of leaving soon is just consuming me, I'm getting help but it's not working. I know I need to eat just to be able to function and prepare for my exit but I just have no desire, I just drink tea, lots of tea!

I always hoped something might change, that I glimmer of hope would present itself from an unexpected place but as the days pass and the time draws closer that hope is replaced by a finality about things.

I know the lack of food and sleep isn't helping but it's as if those 2 things are feeding the idealation and the idealation is causing them, like a cyclic chain that I can't seem to break. I'm so tired and so scared too, I used to always jump in when people were feeling low and offer support but I don't even do that now. I hope I can carry out the act but at the same time hate the thought that I can do this because of the lifetime of hurt I will leave behind.

Why am I typing this? I guess just to put into words what's running through my head, there is no help now, just a sense of foreboding about the shit thing I'm going to do soon

Thank you out there whoever reads this

It doesn't sound as if you're ready to me. I truly sympathize with you. For a year now I've not had one moment of feeling happy. But I'm not quite desparate enough yet for the end.

 

[Of The Universe]

Me too.