Help I'm scared...

[Kenny]

Long story short, I'm scared to ctb, that's why I'm still here. Some days I want to ctb, other days I don't, but every day I have the thought to. I am going to separate this into sections in case some people don't want to read all my rants.

BACKSTORY:
Recently my family decided to take a family vacation, and my dad basically threatened to kick me out if I didn't tag along. I told him it wouldn't be enjoyable because things have changed but noooo, it'll be great he said. I want to move out don't get me wrong, but I literally just graduated high school a few days before this so it's not really that good of an option unless I want to live like a rat or under a bridge.

Anyway, we go on the road trip and it's probably 30-ish hours one way, over half of which is literally just arguing between my siblings. They also know about my depression and my addiction because I try to be open with what I am going through to get support, instead of supporting me they mock me about it for the entire trip down. It got so bad that when we stopped at a Walmart, I had to openly say "Y'know, bullying someone that wants to ctb is basically a death wish". They shut up for maybe three minutes at most and started up again after. It's been miserable for everyone and even my mom said it might be a good idea to go home halfway down, but my dad being stubborn as a donkey decided we should keep going down. I couldn't even enjoy this trip even if I wanted to go because my siblings make it so insufferable.

After that gruesome and uneventful roadtrip (which was painfully rushed due to horrible planning), we finally arrived at my grandmas house. Turns out the room I'm staying in has a rifle and ammo... I'm scared because I don't want to ctb, but I am so impulsive and my family makes my life a living hell. They can't even see (or at least acknowledge) that they're the reason that I struggle with addiction. Their constant fighting and bullying is what drove me to my computer to escape them. Ironic how I've always thought to myself that I shouldn't have access to a gun because it'd be an instant way to go (at least that's my perception of it), yet, here I am.

HELP:
I am not sure what to do. I'm going to be here for a week or so but I am scared that something might happen. I'm super impulsive and throw myself headfirst into things, I need to find a coping mechanism or something productive to do. I gotta find something that'll get me through the next three weeks I'll have to suffer through this trip. I am seriously anti-social right now and people are trying to force me to be social :p

(I hope this is the right section for this I don't really know. This might be a bit of an oddball scenario)

 

[Grasp of darkness]

Sounds like your family is the main trigger that makes you want to act. Trying to get away from them seems like your highest priority right now. Do you have any other friends/relatives that you're close with that you could stay with? Arranging plans to make life more bearable in the future might just give you enough perspective to survive the short term.

 

[Kenny]

Sounds like your family is the main trigger that makes you want to act. Trying to get away from them seems like your highest priority right now. Do you have any other friends/relatives that you're close with that you could stay with? Arranging plans to make life more bearable in the future might just give you enough perspective to survive the short term.

That's exactly what I've been thinking too, they don't respect my boundaries.

I could talk with my friends again about an idea we had a while ago, apartment sharing. I've just been super anti social the last month and I'm sure I've lost a few friends to that, but I do have one friend I've known forever who will probably help me out. He's one of the few reasons I'm still here, even though I haven't told him about my thoughts. I do plan to tell him when I get back from this "vacation" though, I'm really lucky to have him as a friend, without him, my life would be a lot darker, or very possibly gone.

Besides that, I've been considering moving out of the country entirely, but it'd be pretty tight with the money I have currently. My friend also doesn't have passports to other countries so I'd essentially have to solo it, which would be tricky. I don't know many of my relatives in other countries, nor do I think I'd get along with them well (unless I seriously change my habits, which I need to do anyway).

I do like the idea of starting from a clean slate and leaving everything behind. I'm sure it'd be lonely at first, but I'd eventually get used to it or find a partner. I'm just not sure where to start.

 

[Dot]

If u r scard of doin smethng impulsve & ur famly knw tht u r suicdl thn imo = wrth askng fr gun 2 b stord smewhre els

 

[Kenny]

If u r scard of doin smethng impulsve & ur famly knw tht u r suicdl thn imo = wrth askng fr gun 2 b stord smewhre els

Yeah I've been thinking about that and now that I feel better today I probably should do that before I feel down again. I've mainly been holding back from that because they'll probably become super paranoid if they realise that they left me in a room with a gun. Either way that is probably the best option, so I'll hopefully figure out some way to talk to them about it.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm sorry you're going through this. This sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I empathize with you. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better. You said you were 30-ish hours away from home. (What a long road trip and a miserable drive.) Do you know anyone in the town you could hang out with? Could you somehow meet up with them? If not, is it feasible for you to take an Uber to a mall, a park, or some kind of activity you might enjoy doing? That would let you to get away for a while. It sounds like you can't leave to get home both because of the logistics (you'd have to fly or take a train or something since you're not in your own car) and your family might kick you out for doing so. This is not an oddball scenario and this is the right place to post. This is a supportive community.

I assume the above paragraph is what you meant by what to do. I assume you're not asking about ctb. It's against forum rules to tell someone to do it or not to do it. You said that some days you want to do it and some days you don't. In my opinion - speaking generally - this is not something that should be done unless someone is 100% sure. I hope there is some way for your situation to get better.

 

[Kenny]

I'm sorry you're going through this. This sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I empathize with you. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better. You said you were 30-ish hours away from home. (What a long road trip and a miserable drive.) Do you know anyone in the town you could hang out with? Could you somehow meet up with them? If not, is it feasible for you to take an Uber to a mall, a park, or some kind of activity you might enjoy doing? That would let you to get away for a while. It sounds like you can't leave to get home both because of the logistics (you'd have to fly or take a train or something since you're not in your own car) and your family might kick you out for doing so. This is not an oddball scenario and this is the right place to post. This is a supportive community.

I assume the above paragraph is what you meant by what to do. I assume you're not asking about ctb. It's against forum rules to tell someone to do it or not to do it. You said that some days you want to do it and some days you don't. In my opinion - speaking generally - this is not something that should be done unless someone is 100% sure. I hope there is some way for your situation to get better.

Unfortunately I don't know anybody here, it's all just my dads friends which makes it a bit awkward because they all like him :l

I haven't really thought about an Uber much, today and yesterday I've mostly just stayed in this room and tried to ignore the fact that there is stuff around me (it's in a closet so it's out of sight). I've done some sketching and brainstorming, but it would probably do me good to walk around or find something to do like that. I've never really used Uber before, if anything I'd probably just ask my mom if she wants to go drive around and do something because half the time we're just hanging out at this house and doing nothing anyway. She is at least somewhat caring. I feel bad for her because my dad is always so angry.

I know tomorrow my family and I are going to do stuff for the 4th of July, I hope everyone will be more upbeat then but I really don't know. That's one of the few things I am looking forward to a bit, hopefully it goes well.

I'd also like to thank you for the response, it means a lot to me right now. And yes, I'm not asking about ctb, I'm asking about how I can avoid it despite my impulsive nature. Sorry if I was a bit vague, my mind was a lot more foggy a few days ago than it is now.

 

[BradGuy123]

Unfortunately I don't know anybody here, it's all just my dads friends which makes it a bit awkward because they all like him :l

I haven't really thought about an Uber much, today and yesterday I've mostly just stayed in this room and tried to ignore the fact that there is stuff around me (it's in a closet so it's out of sight). I've done some sketching and brainstorming, but it would probably do me good to walk around or find something to do like that. I've never really used Uber before, if anything I'd probably just ask my mom if she wants to go drive around and do something because half the time we're just hanging out at this house and doing nothing anyway. She is at least somewhat caring. I feel bad for her because my dad is always so angry.

I know tomorrow my family and I are going to do stuff for the 4th of July, I hope everyone will be more upbeat then but I really don't know. That's one of the few things I am looking forward to a bit, hopefully it goes well.

I'd also like to thank you for the response, it means a lot to me right now. And yes, I'm not asking about ctb, I'm asking about how I can avoid it despite my impulsive nature. Sorry if I was a bit vague, my mind was a lot more foggy a few days ago than it is now.

I'm glad my response gave a little bit of light to the difficult situation you are going through. Getting out of house might be a good thing like by driving around like you said. Sometimes it helps me feel better to get out in nature - maybe take a walk in the park or the woods. But in my area of the country it's very, very hot now. Being outside during the day would be unbearable. Enjoy your 4th of July. Hope you get to do something fun. I don't know you, but do know that I care about you as a fellow human being. Sending you positive thoughts and a virtual hug.

 

[BurntToCinders]

Honestly, each person will find their own ways to cope, but I'll throw my two cents in and list some of mine, maybe one of 'em will stick.

I'm a music nerd, so trawling youtube algorithm rabbit holes or doomscrolling spotify helps keep me really occupied, and once I land on something I find interesting, I'll spend a lot of time doing deep dives on the artist (checking out their albums, external projects, watching their music videos/interviews, etc.). It takes up a LOT of time and space in my mind, sort of "pushing away" any creeping or intrusive thoughts. I suffer from acute paranoia a lot, and am constantly listening to music. It makes the "head voice" go away, I guess.

If you've got any friends' phone numbers, or (God forbid) Discord, give 'em a ring. Ask them how they're spending their 4th (assuming you're American), shit like that. Menial conversation carries so hard for killing time. Even just sitting in a call and listening to them play games or something can restore a kind of normalcy.

From what you said about your Mom, she seems to at least understand how this is kind of a shitshow. I obviously don't know what your relationship with her is like, but spending some time with her might help you both enjoy it a bit more. Even if it's just being in the same room as her, or listening to her talk, it can mean a lot to a family member to just be there with them through a shitty family trip. "We're all sinking in the same boat" kinda thing.

Hope at least some of these help. Worst comes to worst, you could always just shoot the shit with the people around here. Turns out, it's pretty cool here.

 

[Kenny]

Honestly, each person will find their own ways to cope, but I'll throw my two cents in and list some of mine, maybe one of 'em will stick.

I'm a music nerd, so trawling youtube algorithm rabbit holes or doomscrolling spotify helps keep me really occupied, and once I land on something I find interesting, I'll spend a lot of time doing deep dives on the artist (checking out their albums, external projects, watching their music videos/interviews, etc.). It takes up a LOT of time and space in my mind, sort of "pushing away" any creeping or intrusive thoughts. I suffer from acute paranoia a lot, and am constantly listening to music. It makes the "head voice" go away, I guess.

If you've got any friends' phone numbers, or (God forbid) Discord, give 'em a ring. Ask them how they're spending their 4th (assuming you're American), shit like that. Menial conversation carries so hard for killing time. Even just sitting in a call and listening to them play games or something can restore a kind of normalcy.

From what you said about your Mom, she seems to at least understand how this is kind of a shitshow. I obviously don't know what your relationship with her is like, but spending some time with her might help you both enjoy it a bit more. Even if it's just being in the same room as her, or listening to her talk, it can mean a lot to a family member to just be there with them through a shitty family trip. "We're all sinking in the same boat" kinda thing.

Hope at least some of these help. Worst comes to worst, you could always just shoot the shit with the people around here. Turns out, it's pretty cool here.

I've been able to keep in contact with a few close friends, but I can't exactly talk to them 24/7 so I've had to distract myself by sketching or doing other random stuff.

and yeah I do enjoy my mothers company a bit more, she's the only family member I have that isn't either blatantly rude or two faced towards me. I have a bundle of siblings though so she can't really separate herself from all of them just for me. :/

Currently I am in a different place to celebrate July 4th though, I just ended up staying back at our hotel because my anxiety I guess (and I don't want to have sunburn for the next 3 weeks of suffering). We did split up though, so my dad and younger brother stayed at my grandmas house (thank god).

Unfortunately we are going back to my grandmas in 2 days. Maybe I'm weird for not wanting to visit, I just feel very anti social. Might also be because I probably have a long list of mental conditions (I haven't been diagnosed or checked but I know I'm different than other people).

I really appreciate the support though, it means so much to me. SaSu has such a kind community :D