NoOneLovesMiMi
Just Me
- May 27, 2023
- 114
Yesterday I cried a lot.
A few people on my Instagram trying to convince me not to give up.
Using God a lot and how God loves me and this is not his plan for me.
But isn't it.
I saw this scene from a old Movie called Evan Almighty.
Morgan Freeman plays God.
He said when you pray for more patience...does God give you more patience or the opportunity to be more patient.
When you pray for your family to be closer...does he zap you and the family and now you're all warm and fuzzy.
Or does he give you the opportunity to be more closer.
So for me I took my situation of being so close to things getting better at my job to one incident that caused me to lose it all.
Down deep I hated the people there and it was hindering me from attempting my plan.
The way my brain works is when I have an obligation I have to show up for that obligation.
This is the time for me to truly act on the plan I envisioned.
I'm just having a hard time because this isn't exactly how I imagined it.
I also go back and forth with my feelings towards God.
Questioning him and why this and my life has been the way it's been.
Angry at him that the resources I've tried in order to have a peaceful painless death have not worked.
I've been scammed by Diginatis.
Yesterday morning and many attempts before that I've reached out to Final Exit.
I've had Diginatis Canada tell me I'd have to become a citizen to apply for MAID and that takes 2 to 3 years.
So I realized I'm crying so much because I've been conditioned to believe suicide is wrong.
I've been conditioned to believe God...if he or she exsist will not welcome me because I've sinned.
So when you have these conditioned beliefs in your head repeating over and over it is scary.
My dream was to go to Switzerland or Belgium and just have a few nice days and then peacefully die.
Instead I'm forced to drink poison and possibly suffer for 3 days but praying to a God you're not sure exists will let you die and finally take you from your misery.
I've never succeeded at much in life.
So I'm terrified of failing and that's why I'm crying so much.
I haven't left my apartment in days.
I haven't Showered or brushed my teeth.
I'm not sleeping well and my thoughts are pure torture.
This is not how I wanted to go out but I'm trying to remind myself this is my opportunity.
Till later or tomorrow
A few people on my Instagram trying to convince me not to give up.
Using God a lot and how God loves me and this is not his plan for me.
But isn't it.
I saw this scene from a old Movie called Evan Almighty.
Morgan Freeman plays God.
He said when you pray for more patience...does God give you more patience or the opportunity to be more patient.
When you pray for your family to be closer...does he zap you and the family and now you're all warm and fuzzy.
Or does he give you the opportunity to be more closer.
So for me I took my situation of being so close to things getting better at my job to one incident that caused me to lose it all.
Down deep I hated the people there and it was hindering me from attempting my plan.
The way my brain works is when I have an obligation I have to show up for that obligation.
This is the time for me to truly act on the plan I envisioned.
I'm just having a hard time because this isn't exactly how I imagined it.
I also go back and forth with my feelings towards God.
Questioning him and why this and my life has been the way it's been.
Angry at him that the resources I've tried in order to have a peaceful painless death have not worked.
I've been scammed by Diginatis.
Yesterday morning and many attempts before that I've reached out to Final Exit.
I've had Diginatis Canada tell me I'd have to become a citizen to apply for MAID and that takes 2 to 3 years.
So I realized I'm crying so much because I've been conditioned to believe suicide is wrong.
I've been conditioned to believe God...if he or she exsist will not welcome me because I've sinned.
So when you have these conditioned beliefs in your head repeating over and over it is scary.
My dream was to go to Switzerland or Belgium and just have a few nice days and then peacefully die.
Instead I'm forced to drink poison and possibly suffer for 3 days but praying to a God you're not sure exists will let you die and finally take you from your misery.
I've never succeeded at much in life.
So I'm terrified of failing and that's why I'm crying so much.
I haven't left my apartment in days.
I haven't Showered or brushed my teeth.
I'm not sleeping well and my thoughts are pure torture.
This is not how I wanted to go out but I'm trying to remind myself this is my opportunity.
Till later or tomorrow
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