Fear is powerful. I bug you so much because what you're describing sounds exactly like how I felt in law school, wishing every night that I could just die before things fell apart (I'd fail the bar, never get a job, get fired, etc. because I couldn't focus or study, and I'd be exposed as a fraud and be trapped back in the hell that would be living with my parents and no one would ever love me, so I would distract myself all day and panic most of the night until I passed out). I know no two situations are the same, I just want to let you know I don't for a second underestimate the pressure you feel, even if I can't fully understand. I think fear might be the most powerful motivator there is, which is awful, especially because it motivates us into inaction rather than action.
You're stronger than you think (although maybe not as perfect as you sometimes tell yourself). You're living with a type of pressure that most people never have to face, and you're still standing. You don't have to plan the future today. Just take a moment to appreciate yourself - not the fact that you think you're smart and pretty, but the fact that you are a person living with a lot of stressors who deserves some compassion and tranquility. You've earned a break, not from "work" or "labor", but from this fear. I'm always hoping you find it.
Unrelated to the above: I think when you're picturing being a stay-at-home wife you see yourself as a 1950s June Cleaver spending dusk-till-dawn in an apron meticulously dusting everything and preparing a three-course dinner for your classic man's-man husband all while keeping an eye on your multiple children, but there are other introverts out there who may want a relationship where there is a lot of alone time, doesn't want kids, and who doesn't have those types of expectations. What if it was your crush? You do want some human connection, but I think you're afraid of that, too. Not the connection itself, but the fact that you want it - that's what scares you.
