Venting I'm scared I will chicken out

[oli1]

I ordered SN and I don't really know what to do. Every time I think 'ok, that's enough, I'm ctb tonight' I find a reason to postpone it. Like, my day is a complete shit but then for 2 minutes I don't feel completely awful and it just hits me how much I will destroy my family's life by ctb. And then I decide to wait for the next opportunity and the cycle repeats.
I'm planning on finally trying SN tomorrow and I'm more determined than usual but I'm worried my SI will kick in and I won't be able to even drink the SN in the first place lmao I feel like such an idiot.
I'm guessing the best solution would be to not be a fucking pussy but that's probably not happening. I just wanted to get this out of my system.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really believe that someone is cowardly if they struggle to ctb, suicide isn't always straightforward after all even if someone has the option of a reliable method and it's certainly like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering. But anyway best wishes, it must be tiring feeling trapped in that situation.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Well, it's normal to have thoughts like that, I want you to know that you aren't idiot, this is a big fucking decision to make in the first place, let alone execute.

ive also struggled with realizing how much it could destroy my family's life however I also understand that it's an inherent part of the risk of even doing this and it is a reason why many don't get this far in terms of acquiring their chosen method to ctb with.Be patient with yourself and if you don't feel ready then that's fine however please don't beat yourself up for it, it's entirely justified to put it off due to fear and stress over how things could go.

In any case, whenever you are ready to go, I hope you do have all the meds in place to help out.

 

[painful existence]

I am also in the same position.I don't know why but I also get scared.I am more scared of drinking it and then panicking and calling for help.It would be worst thing if I do that as it might result in permanent damage to my organs.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You are certainly neither an idiot nor a coward! Such thoughts are natural and you have more courage than toxic prolifers wanting us to go on with suffering. Whenever you are really ready you will have the strength to do it. I wish you all the best whatever way you decide to go.

 

[アホペンギン]

Its not cowardly to experience something like this, its just the love for your family stopping you. Even if they were horrible to you, some people will still care for them and worry about the distress their death will cause for them. You aren't an idiot for being afraid, its normal. Anyways, assuming you decide to drink the SN tomorrow, I wish you the best of luck. If something like worrying about your family is stopping you, theres always more time. I send you my best regards.

 

[Aloneisbestforme]

Your not a coward please don't think that.

it's just that your brain will do anything to keep you alive. the brain only cares about keeping you alive so it will find anything/any reason to not let it happen.
Plus you care about your family and you don't want them to be hurt by that choice so it's understandable.

But I do wish you the best on this and hope you can reach true peace