Venting I'm scared I might snap.

[defrauder9000]

Everyday I feel a bit angry at myself for very small things ngl. I don't want to let that anger control me and ruin my life. I also don't want people to notice. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not ready for it? I just want to immediately be hospilatized or taken away or something. I don't my friends to ask me stupid questions about it. I don't care anymore. Just take me. I want to help people so bad. It takes my life away. I want to escape. I love my friends. I don't want them to see the monster I sometimes am; Sorry for sounding edgy.

 

[mlb]

not edgy at all. i had these thoughts before my attempt actually. so i will proceed with caution. maybe do call the hospital if you're not ready that it might become worse in a month or two.

 

[Cowboy_Kid]

It's not edgy. I also struggle a lot with anger. Something that helps me is kind of gaslighting myself into thinking good thoughts, lol.

Something I do is focus, and I mean really focus on actively going out of your way to think and to act good - you see a homeless person on the street? Go out of your way to find an ATM, withdraw some cash, come back to the man. You see a person struggling with carrying heavy stuff? Offer help. You hear a group of teenagers being loud and annoying? Try to be happy for them, and hope they will grow out of the loud immature phase (well...not all do, but oh well).

I find that doing things helps my brain to stay focused in the moment and not drift into some very, very dark thoughts I'm not even comfortable sharing even on a forum like this. And, even though you can really help the thoughts...you can help somebody with your actions. Making a difference, one small act of kindness at a time.

Also, I don't think you are a monster, I don't think monsters exist. Also, i think it's very good that you are so aware and you clearly care about your friends and you want to help people.

 

[westerly_merlin]

Everyday I feel a bit angry at myself for very small things ngl. I don't want to let that anger control me and ruin my life. I also don't want people to notice. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not ready for it? I just want to immediately be hospilatized or taken away or something. I don't my friends to ask me stupid questions about it. I don't care anymore. Just take me. I want to help people so bad. It takes my life away. I want to escape. I love my friends. I don't want them to see the monster I sometimes am; Sorry for sounding edgy.

Not edgy, I think it is more common than you think, there a a lot of us sailing that boat.

Outwardly I am a caring person, I am always concerned for my friends and nurturing to my colleagues at work.

However internally I am the worst critic in the world. Nothing I ever do is good enough and I will beat myself up for stupid mistakes that happed ages ago.

Therapy has helped, knowing this stems back to my childhood and how my parents treated me lets me know the "why".

I still have not found out how to cut myself the same slack for a less than perfect job that I would give to anyone else but I live in hope that one day I will stop being overly self critical.

Also knowing others are feeling the same kind of takes the edge off. I was off work following an attempt to CTB, my team at work were just told told I was unwell. When I got back one of the guys who is a similar vintage to me asked me if I had a heart attack, I told him I had a bit of a MH breakdown and he just opened up how he understood and how his sense of self esteem had driven him almost to breaking point. I pointed out that he was tge most knowledgable engineer I knew and ha said that it was the lack of self confidence that pushed him so hard.

Sorry possibly went off track there, but just wanted to say that there are more of us low-esteem / high achievers out there than you might think.

Take care
Also wanted to say that it is fucking exhausting striving for perfection in everything you do because you know how much shit you will give yourself for being slightly off the mark