Venting I'm scared and sad

[Doucement]

I have thought a lot about suicide during the past years and very much especially two years ago, but I managed to see a psychiatrist about nine months ago and now I take antidepressants, and I feel like I'm better. I don't know if the medication really did anything for me, and it could be that I just needed it as a symbol that I was being helped to get better. Because of this symbol of help, I really put a lot of effort into consciously trying to think of something else whenever my mind wandered to suicide, and I feel it has worked because it's been a while since I haven't had a really major breakdown. I still have very regular crying sessions, but not to the point that they make me attempt suicide.

However, this distracting myself thing that I've been doing has felt like I was making myself be more carefree and fast, impulsive in a way, "like the others", contrary to what I was before (still am?): slow, thinking a lot, reserved. I don't know if this impulsivity is or can become natural to me, I feel it isn't really my natural self, but it was the only way to stop thinking myself into suicide.

But now, I still have little bursts of emotion over the things that happen in my life and trigger me, anxiety often over turning in homework (like now), horrible pain and sadness over people who I perceive don't like me anymore (mostly overthinking), and even though I try to maintain my distracting habit, the impulsive nature of this habit sometimes makes me consider impulsively suicide, and paradoxically, I feel I could actually attempt now more easily than before. My life now is more unexpected.

I don't know if people will understand... I often word stuff weirdly, sorry.

 

[Aisley]

Neurons in the brain take paths that are well-trodden. So we think the same thoughts over and over. And, as you're learning, we really can retrain our brains to think differently. It takes time, though. Took me years to trample new paths up there for myself. Getting upset over shit in life will never go away, and it shouldn't. We shouldn't be ok with terrible shit, and it's ok to not be ok sometimes. I think you could be more patient with yourself.

 

[pharmacoepia]

SSRI's can cause impulsivity and anhedonia. Speak to your Psych and see if they can switch the type of med or reduce to your most effective lowest dose.

Source: huge pharma and psych nerd

 

[voc_89]

i understand what you are saying. I think the most important thing here is that you recognise what triggers these thoughts and what fuels them (particularly overthinking). It would take some time to get this right but you should try to pick up tricks that (where possible) help avoid the actions that trigger and fuel these thoughts. If you are still seeing your psychiatrist then u can speak to them about this. Like what tricks do they have to help with anxiety/over-thinking. Over-thinking can be really detrimental. Especially when you are still in school. Example, after one exam at the end of my Msc program I swore I i failed it and was bereft about what to do (as I did not have the finances to do another year). Those thoughts went into my next 2 exams and while I got an A in the course I thought I failed I got two Bs in the other 2 exams as I couldn't focus. Bringing me down from my distinction level :(