Venting I'm scared all the time

[sadworm]

I feel like I am genuinely terminally ill . i don't want to have to die for my suffering to stop. I want there to be a different solution. I have tried everything except ketamine and electroshock therapy. I want to want more for myself. I'm so scared, I wouldn't wish this kind of suffering on anybody. I don't want to have no choice but to die. but I'm losing hope and things are looking bleak for me . I would do anything to have the motivation to fix my life, but I just want to give up. I feel like I don't have it in me anymore. I was born with whatever chemical imbalance I have, I've always been this way. I can't picture ever feeling different when I was born not wanting the life I was given. I'm so scared of just being another statistic. when I was a kid I thought I'd do great things, I thought I'd be like greta thunberg lol. but I've done nothing for anybody not even for myself. I don't know where to look for hope or if there's even any to find. I don't want death to be the solution to my suffering, but I'm losing faith in another answer . Im just so sad tonight. I miss my ex. there's so much wrong with my life. I don't want advice or anything. I just want to be able to say how I feel somewhere besides a journal, so I can feel less alone. thank u

 

[Michelstaedter]

Sometimes I feel like you do; I wish I had felt better, that I could have lived with certain ailments and lived that way until the very end.

In a post, I described a strange feeling that involved a combination of antidepressants, withdrawal from benzodiazepines, and clonazepam I took after an epileptic seizure¿?. It somehow brought me a peace I'd never felt before. More than a year has passed, and I've never experienced it again, and perhaps I'll never feel anything like it again, except perhaps the despair of continuing to live and suffer.