Venting I’m running away from home

[darksideofthebright]

I'm writing these words, being outside in the rain and absolutely freezing. About over a week ago, my dad travelled to the UK to monitor me after my failed suicide attempt. Since then he has been really terrorising me emotionally by guilt tripping and gaslighting me into thinking that I am being ungrateful and mentally to impaired to think properly.

today he was being a lot more verbally abusive, and on top of all the stress that I am going through, it is really impacting my mental health. When I try to explain and even though I did talk back a little bit, he started to get a little physical, which really brought back all the traumas that I had to experience in my childhood. I then just ran away from home without preparing anything, and now I'm sitting in the park with my phone at 19%, feeling colder than ever.

I don't have any friends here that I could go to or anywhere that I could be at, and I run away from home to fast that I didn't bring my ID, my mask or my debit card. Restaurants where I live are closed at 6 pm so I have nowhere else to be inside either. This is an absolute torment and I don't know what to do. My phone is gonna die so soon but I am too scared to go home. Everything is really pushing me over the edge, and even though I want to ctb, I don't want to do that feeling so much panics and frustration. I want to ctb when I am absolutely ready and content.

I hate this world. So much.

 

[Worndown]

Go back and get your stuff. Say you were stressed and need to clear your head with a long walk. Really long.
Run away later when you plan a little better.
Call it plan B since plan A had a few holes in it.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You are in a desperate situation and really unprepared, for anything. It's really hard to offer advice, but I'd suggest, as hard as it may be to go back to what may be an abusive situation...if you can, go back and get the stuff you need at the very least. Bide your time, get what you need and when you leave that situation, if that is your choice, do so with as much control as you can muster. Otherwise you will be panicking and not making good decisions.

 

[Silver]

I'd suggest going back home, because you are so unprepared. Plus it's so cold tonight. Or maybe you could find a police station and explain, and they might keep you overnight.

 

[WornOutLife]

As suggested above, I would go back to get some stuff.
I understand your pain. I'm also being monitored 24/7 after my failed attempt but the truth is I don't have neither the guts to CTB nor where to go.

I hope things get better for you soon. Wish you peace!

 

[sadworld]

Please go back home and plan everything better. Maybe try to get your stuff and spend the night in a hotel, away from your dad.

You are such a nice person and I hate seeing you suffer that much

 

[Mongo]

darksideofthebright
I have been exactly where you are at, from age 14 - 18.

My thoughts. Many people are heartless and cruel, including some relatives.
Heartless people can only take. It's their nature.

My experience with it all is that I found that I did better for myself placing great distance from them.
It is tough. You go hungry. You get cold. I slept underneath freeway underpasses and ate at Rescue missions when zi couldn't find work.

That all said, you get to keep your dignity and self-respect; a fair trade for being cold and hungry.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Please go home and get warm, you can plan this another day and be more prepared, your SS family loves you and wants you safe. It is wrong what he has done but you need to be safe and not outside. We all love you and want you safe come on bright go home for all of us.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Can you report him to the police for assault?

 

[Ghost2211]

As hard as it is you should go back home and plan better. I've been in your position, and it's cold, scary, and lonely staying out on the streets with nothing. Go to the police if you need to get away from your household, but don't subject yourself to homeliness. It's not worth it.

 

[darksideofthebright]

Thank you all so much for your responses! I REALLY appreciate them and you guys!

I am now home after 9 hours of walking about in the cold trying to come to the decision. I was definitely unprepared and panicking when I left, because I was just really scared. A lot have happened lately and with that, it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I will surely need an emergency bag for when this happens again.

A big part of the reason why I was scared of going home was because my dad can be a really manipulative person, and I can easily give into people, so with him around, I cannot trust myself, or anyone for that matter. Because of that, I just didn't feel safe.

It's been SO INCREDIBLY cold today/tonight. And walking for hours have made my feet swollen up. Also, because of the ice from the snow the other day, I slipped and kinda twisted my ankle, so whether I wanted to or not, I had to get back home. My dad was asleep when I came back, so I just snuck into my room. Will now have to take some painkillers and prepare myself mentally for tomorrow.

Can you report him to the police for assault?

Growing up, I've been beaten up a lot by him, but then all of the abuses were played off as a cultural thing (I grew up in East Asia) and I kinda learned to accept that, until I came to the UK at 16 to realise that that was not okay. As I said, I give in to people easily (unfortunately), and I would feel really bad if I reported him to the police. He doesn't know much English and I just felt like I couldn't do that to him.

 

[Spitfire]

I am glad to hear you are back home and warm. I was worried about you being out there like that.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Growing up, I've been beaten up a lot by him, but then all of the abuses were played off as a cultural thing (I grew up in East Asia) and I kinda learned to accept that, until I came to the UK at 16 to realise that that was not okay. As I said, I give in to people easily (unfortunately), and I would feel really bad if I reported him to the police. He doesn't know much English and I just felt like I couldn't do that to him.

I send you a warm, comforting, compassionate hug.


He came to your home, berated and assaulted you, to the point you didn't feel safe and ran away, out in the cold, with no resources. He did that to you. By calling the police and him facing consequences for his actions, you are not doing anything to him, you are protecting yourself as is your inherent and legal right. It is your home, not his. It is your body not his. It is your mind, your heart, your well-being, he does not own these things. He does not deserve to sleep in warmth and comfort while you hobble back in, wet and cold, afraid for your safety, to hide in your room until his next onslaught.

Just something to consider. From one abused adult child, whose parents had their cultural "reasons," to another.

Whatever you decide to do, whether to take such a big step as I suggest, or to keep working it out for yourself, I support you. I respect you.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I am glad to hear you are back home and warm. I was worried about you being out there like that.

Thank you for being such a lovely bean! I really appreciate this!

Just something to consider. From one abused adult child, whose parents had their cultural "reasons," to another.

Whatever you decide to do, whether to take such a big step as I suggest, or to keep working it out for yourself, I support you. I respect you.

Thank you so much! I know you're right, I just need to remind myself of that as well.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that as well. I hope that you're healing from the abuses. It really doesn't matter what the intentions were, abuses are abuses and although they can be forgiven, they cannot be forgotten. (Now time for me to go practice what I preach )

Sending hugs and love to you. Thank you, again!

 

[summers]

@darksideofthebright I'm so sorry you don't have the support you need when you need it the most. A friend of mine once told me she needed someone who would listen and was compassionate. I'm sure that would make all the difference right now. You can always pm me if you need to vent or just want someone to listen.

As far as your father, are you in a position to just say "Fuck off and leave me alone?" Maybe get right in his face. Sometimes, you need to put your parents (especially fathers) in their place. Remember, you're younger, and probably stronger than him (especially if you're a male). Show him he's not the alpha anymore. I had to do that just once, and my relationship with my father improved tremendously.

Wishing you all the best. And one thing - always, always bring your phone charger with you. You should have a second one that's always ready to go.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's good to hear you went back home. I'm sorry that you had to choose between one bed situation and another. You don't deserve the burden of protecting your abuser.

 

[justanotherstar]

I'm so glad your back home. I was worried. I'm sorry you have to be in such a shitty situation. I have few words but sending hugs

 

[darksideofthebright]

It's good to hear you went back home. I'm sorry that you had to choose between one bed situation and another. You don't deserve the burden of protecting your abuser.

I'm so glad your back home. I was worried. I'm sorry you have to be in such a shitty situation. I have few words but sending hugs

Thank you guys so much for your concerns!! This is so heart-warming!

As far as your father, are you in a position to just say "Fuck off and leave me alone?" Maybe get right in his face. Sometimes, you need to put your parents (especially fathers) in their place. Remember, you're younger, and probably stronger than him (especially if you're a male). Show him he's not the alpha anymore. I had to do that just once, and my relationship with my father improved tremendously.

Wishing you all the best. And one thing - always, always bring your phone charger with you. You should have a second one that's always ready to go.

I didn't cuss at him, but I did tell him to leave me alone and he called me a spoiled brat, saying that I had no respect or consideration for others. I just stopped engaging with his bs and that was when he started holding my arms and told me I had no rights to leave.

Unfortunately, I'm not, so there's no point in proving who the alpha is .. But I appreciate that perspective. Definitely might help someone like me in a similar situation! All and all, thank you so much for your thoughtful response, and I will definitely bring a charger with me next time - just need to find where to plug it.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Glad to hear you are home, bright. Take some time to think and decide what you are going to do. I really hope you can overcome the situation and that you have the power to overcome his hold. This is not a good situation to be in and can understand your reasoning to run, but he is in the wrong and needs to apologize to you and allow you to live the life you want. Families can be the worst sometimes as they believe they have the right to oppress you "in love" sending hugs.

 

[Meditation guide]

I just stopped engaging with his bs and that was when he started holding my arms and told me I had no rights to leave.

It's not ok for him to do that. I realize you come from a culture where the parents are in total control, but this has to be stopped. Somehow you need to figure out how to enforce boundaries with him. He is making things worse for you and it's going to be up to you to figure out how to stop him from abusing you. He does care about you obviously but has no idea how to show it.

It doesn't matter your age, it's necessary for you to stand up to him, calmly, and tell him holding your arms and verbally abusing you is not ok and is making your mental health much worse.

A short letter, very to the point that you are not ok with him holding your arms, talking abusively to you, or hitting you, and won't tolerate it, could possibly help. Above all be very calm and very adult and determined.

I'm sorry you have to deal with him. It sounds unbearable. I also realize I can't really know how it is for you with him, so my suggestion probably isn't workable, but it's causing you such distress that an attempt at a solution seems reasonable.

 

[darksideofthebright]

Thank you everyone once again for all your kind messages, this has been like a reminder to me of why I actually enjoy spending time on SS being surrounded by people with no judgements and full of support.

Things have died down a bit. I've been hiding in my room pretending to be sleeping (because in my flat, there's no locks on doors to different rooms) while planning on what to say to my dad. I have also prepared an emergency bag for in case the conversation gets out of hand. Today is his birthday so I don't want to ruin it for him (although it's already had a pretty rocky start). Whether he wants to or not, he'll have to go back home on the 19th because of the COVID restrictions for traveling to and from there, so only 13 more days before I get out of this torment. Worst case scenario, I'll stay in a hotel until then.

He knows that Christmas is a triggering time for me and probably the time I'm the year that I'm at my lowest, and I think he's just panicking as the time is closing in. I'm not sure what he is trying to do, but it's not helping. If anything, it's really pushing me to be more certain about ctb sometime between the 19th and 24/25th.

Once again, thank you all so much! Hope you are having a better weekend than mine.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Thinking of you bright, PM me if you want to chat. We are all here to support you. Much love from SS London family member

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Today is his birthday so I don't want to ruin it for him

Is it okay that I want to?

 

[Silver]

I am glad you are home safely

How did today go with your father?

 

[darksideofthebright]

Is it okay that I want to?

How did today go with your father?

Well...I think I kinda ruined it for him yesterday.

We avoided talking all day (both he and I, not sure if that was a good thing...), and I was just nervous about the conversation overall, so I decided to do something (stupidly) to prepare myself mentally for that conversation: getting drunk. By the point I was ready to talk to him, I think I had just finished 3 sentences before people arrived for the birthday dinner (don't worry, we still adhere to the social distancing rules where I live) . I then had a lot more drink during the dinner and by 8pm I was just a drunk mess and passed out shortly after, which freaked him out because normally I can drink a lot .

Overall, there was no conversation, just me getting drunk and throwing up. Probably will have the conversation today though since there's no more alcohol lying around.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Sounds like a interesting evening. Good luck with chat later if it happens

 

[Meditation guide]

The title of this thread suggests the OP is a child. I hope not.

 

[darksideofthebright]

The title of this thread suggests the OP is a child. I hope not.

I genuinely wish I could go back to being a child so I could redo some of the mistakes I've done in my life. Unfortunately, I'm a mentally unstable 22-year-old struggling to find a will to live.

 

[drwt]

I genuinely wish I could go back to being a child so I could redo some of the mistakes I've done in my life. Unfortunately, I'm a mentally unstable 22-year-old struggling to find a will to live.

I know how you're feeling. So many times I've had the same thoughts. But you can try to fix the past by fixing yourself now. I know it's not fair and a lot of hard work but it is possible. I wish I could help you and give you a temporary home. Unfortunately I moved away from the UK 3 months ago. Hate that country.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I know how you're feeling. So many times I've had the same thoughts. But you can try to fix the past by fixing yourself now. I know it's not fair and a lot of hard work but it is possible. I wish I could help you and give you a temporary home. Unfortunately I moved away from the UK 3 months ago. Hate that country.

Aww thank you for the kind offer! It's the thoughts that count.

I hope you've found a better place after leaving the UK. I agree it's not the best place to live, but personally, I've come to accept that I don't particularly enjoy living anywhere, or living at all for that matter lol.