I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't know if I am a horrible daughter or if my mom sucks because she works ages and comes home to my idiotic ass that decided to take a 2-hour nap and didn't get to clean the house and she had to do it all and now I am someone that runs their mouth and says cruel shit for the fun of it and I'm tired of justifying my feelings and my existence to my own mom who somehow takes every single thing I say in the most disrespectful way possible because she thinks her family life is a soap opera that she can just monologue on and on and on and complain and insult and shit talk but as soon as the family talks back it is horrible to use your tongue that way. I wish I had a mom who actually wanted me even though I didn't want her advice on something and didn't treat me like some piece of furniture that disobeyed. But also if I am a piece of furniture, it is wrong of me to disobey, especially because I have shelter and food from all her hard work.
I fear I will completely lose touch with reality if I have to deal with this any more than I already have. I genuinely want to die every other time I talk to her because I feel so worthless and I can't even say "I love you" to her and mean it.
I hate living here in this house and having to be responsible for them forever if I don't want to spend the rest of my life guilty so the best option is killing myself. I've come to the conclusion that religion doesn't exist, not really, so I hope my end will be complete darkness and nothing else. I do run the risk of ending up in hell but you know. I'd end up there anyway. Genuinely might just do it this week but it's better to wait until my dad comes back from being abroad, so they don't have to deal with a dead body in their house by themselves. I might pretend to go missing/be kidnapped and kill myself in an obscure part of the forest, which is probably the better option.
I fear I will completely lose touch with reality if I have to deal with this any more than I already have. I genuinely want to die every other time I talk to her because I feel so worthless and I can't even say "I love you" to her and mean it.
I hate living here in this house and having to be responsible for them forever if I don't want to spend the rest of my life guilty so the best option is killing myself. I've come to the conclusion that religion doesn't exist, not really, so I hope my end will be complete darkness and nothing else. I do run the risk of ending up in hell but you know. I'd end up there anyway. Genuinely might just do it this week but it's better to wait until my dad comes back from being abroad, so they don't have to deal with a dead body in their house by themselves. I might pretend to go missing/be kidnapped and kill myself in an obscure part of the forest, which is probably the better option.
