Suraru
New Member
- May 25, 2024
- 4
I was digging through my old elementary school folder my mom gave me, and I saw a report card from 3rd grade where I was listed for behavioral issues. One such example was me shouting at the class they were the reason I was gunna kill myself. This was 3rd grade. I was 8.
My entire life, I have been trying to die. Its always for the same reason too, cuz of social rejection. It shouldn't be a surprise I was diagnosed with borderline not long ago, yet I lack some of the more manipulative aspects. Hasn't stopped me from being a trainwreck though.
Over and over again, I connect with a community only for it to be taken away because I make a mistake, one that people have no tolerance for. It might be a bad joke, it might be a bad opinion,
it might just be my general weirdness forcing them to look for any reason to get rid of me. And every time, I try to end my life.
When I was 8, I tried stabbing myself in the heart, but could never piece the skin. My mom would actually give me a knife and told me to do it in the bathtub, cuz she knew I wouldn't succeed, and was sick of the drama. As I got older I tried using guns, was only able to pull the trigger once (survived with a neck injury), but never again. I tried hanging, but the jugular would make my head feel like it was gunna explode, so I would end up giving up. I could never bring myself to cut, and my exit bag with Helium never worked, nor did my 2012 car's exhaust.
It got to the point where people accused me of faking it for attention. "If you really wanted to die, you would have by now." type bullshit. Except, every time I wanted to die, even at 8, it was real. I DID want to die, I just never could. Even after I learned of this forum and fell in love with the night-night method, the closest I ever got to dying, I still fail. I jump up at the last second as it fades to black, leading me to just try again immediately afterwards. I haven't been able to get that fade to black since.
3 years ago, I was homeless. I suffered a massive ostracism from a community I loved a lot. I was doxxed, harassed, swatted, blacklisted. Friends cut me off just so they wouldn't be targeted. I was so suicidal, not even my family wanted me. They were afraid they'd find a body coming home, or couldn't put up with my depressive episodes. I was kicked the curb for a year, until I got disability, and a friend to co-sign me into a cheap apartment.
Then, for the next 2 years, I had fucking nothing. I lost my passion. I was lost. I tried doing some RP servers, but it was never the same. I even made my own, and it didn't work out. RP is a passion of mine, I love writing and making characters. I'm really good at it, and my favorite form of it is organic, in an open world with lots of randoms and a solid friend group that cares and protects each other. I finally got that in a RP community, after 2 fucking years, 4 actually if you include the year I spent trying to fix the first community, and the year I was homeless. I enjoyed the fuck out it, and then got banned a month later for telling an admin I was suicidal.
I was dubbed basically a monster for having mental issues, and they took away the one thing that really made me happy, stable, claimed it was an addiction if it made me feel this way to lose it. I haven't eaten since. Barely slept. Its been 16 days. I have tried to kill myself so many times, it scared away the few friends I had trying to help me. Even if I do decide I don't wanna die, I'm fucking going to anyways of starvation in 2 more weeks.
Funny this is how I die. After so long.
My entire life, I have been trying to die. Its always for the same reason too, cuz of social rejection. It shouldn't be a surprise I was diagnosed with borderline not long ago, yet I lack some of the more manipulative aspects. Hasn't stopped me from being a trainwreck though.
Over and over again, I connect with a community only for it to be taken away because I make a mistake, one that people have no tolerance for. It might be a bad joke, it might be a bad opinion,
it might just be my general weirdness forcing them to look for any reason to get rid of me. And every time, I try to end my life.
When I was 8, I tried stabbing myself in the heart, but could never piece the skin. My mom would actually give me a knife and told me to do it in the bathtub, cuz she knew I wouldn't succeed, and was sick of the drama. As I got older I tried using guns, was only able to pull the trigger once (survived with a neck injury), but never again. I tried hanging, but the jugular would make my head feel like it was gunna explode, so I would end up giving up. I could never bring myself to cut, and my exit bag with Helium never worked, nor did my 2012 car's exhaust.
It got to the point where people accused me of faking it for attention. "If you really wanted to die, you would have by now." type bullshit. Except, every time I wanted to die, even at 8, it was real. I DID want to die, I just never could. Even after I learned of this forum and fell in love with the night-night method, the closest I ever got to dying, I still fail. I jump up at the last second as it fades to black, leading me to just try again immediately afterwards. I haven't been able to get that fade to black since.
3 years ago, I was homeless. I suffered a massive ostracism from a community I loved a lot. I was doxxed, harassed, swatted, blacklisted. Friends cut me off just so they wouldn't be targeted. I was so suicidal, not even my family wanted me. They were afraid they'd find a body coming home, or couldn't put up with my depressive episodes. I was kicked the curb for a year, until I got disability, and a friend to co-sign me into a cheap apartment.
Then, for the next 2 years, I had fucking nothing. I lost my passion. I was lost. I tried doing some RP servers, but it was never the same. I even made my own, and it didn't work out. RP is a passion of mine, I love writing and making characters. I'm really good at it, and my favorite form of it is organic, in an open world with lots of randoms and a solid friend group that cares and protects each other. I finally got that in a RP community, after 2 fucking years, 4 actually if you include the year I spent trying to fix the first community, and the year I was homeless. I enjoyed the fuck out it, and then got banned a month later for telling an admin I was suicidal.
I was dubbed basically a monster for having mental issues, and they took away the one thing that really made me happy, stable, claimed it was an addiction if it made me feel this way to lose it. I haven't eaten since. Barely slept. Its been 16 days. I have tried to kill myself so many times, it scared away the few friends I had trying to help me. Even if I do decide I don't wanna die, I'm fucking going to anyways of starvation in 2 more weeks.
Funny this is how I die. After so long.
