Story I'm planning to jump very soon, but can't get the courage, +additional info because DID is also holding me back

[imbackagainhi]

For context: been here before, received some support and ended up leaving the site because i thought i "got treatment and i'm finally getting better" but i ended up being misdiagnosed with bipolar (which i don't have, is now proven) and put on a 200mg quietiapine starting dose along with 10mg abilify which I'm pretty sure ended up just giving me brain damage.



since then i got a DID diagnosis, which actually did help. unmasking and getting to resolve past traumas got me to the point where i was on my way to recovery.



and since I'm writing here now, obviously that didn't happen. have a bipolar husband and fought a lot. very badly. i managed to get him to a doctor and he's been on medication and therapy since and he's doing much better.



i on the other hand ended up worse than I've ever been, first time I'm actually comfortable with the idea of jumping and thinking about it more and more gives me hope. but i need to work up the courage. the doctors are ghosting me nonstop, i get abused by my inlaws nonstop, i see the pain on my husband's face and his venting when he has to deal with getting me help. I'll never get help and i can't take this anymore, it's been 17 years of non stop suffering. (edit: i'm old, 26 now)



there's this block which I'm sure you know what i mean. not regrets, no guilt, no remorse, everyone would be better off without me because they always make sure i know how much of a burden i am. i don't believe in hell as that's what my life has always been, it could only get better if it did exist down there. falling from the 17th on my back, if i hit my head it'd be instantaneous. no problem there.


i don't know what's blocking me. i think it's that I'm a coward. i think it's that i know there's nothing beyond and I'll just stop existing, there will be some brief mourning, my husband will be sad but he deserves better. my mother will most likely commit too and we're both better off dead. i have nothing holding me here. but this unexplainable lack of ability to actually do it. if i can't do it sober, I'll probably get wasted and take all my benzos beforehand.


also, i have this problem from the DID, namely that my other alters/parts don't want me to kill myself. which i understand, but we're all suffering and I'm only doing them justice if i kill this body. it will never get better. not with how traumatized, and how mentally messed up we are (not the DID, that's pretty great when you're not also depressed and psychotic from CPTSD).


Thanks for reading. would appreciate some kind help if you can suggest me resources to research this mental block so i can understand it.



cheers, hope you all get whatever you really want and are looking for.

 

[Meteora]

Hi and welcome again here in the forum

I can very much understand you... seems like everything is falling apart and your life is just a living hell. You get no proper help, even doctors do not treat you well.
I know this all too well, I was diagnosed with the suspected diagnosis of DID, CPTSD, panic disorder, eating disorder, borderline..... and many other things.
The latest thing is that a psychologist suspects ASD.

I understand the split, some of you want to die, some don't. That makes it very hard.
What should I say..... some people are so punished.... and I don't know why some have such a burden and don't even get helped.
Are you in the U.S.?

What kind of resources would you like? Information on DID?

Sending you strength and hope your day goes kind of well .

 

[imbackagainhi]

Hi and welcome again here in the forum

I can very much understand you... seems like everything is falling apart and your life is just a living hell. You get no proper help, even doctors do not treat you well, apparently.
I know this all too well, I was diagnosed with the suspected diagnosis of DID, CPTSD, panic disorder, eating disorder, borderline..... and many other things.
The latest thing is that a psychologist suspects ASD.

I understand the split, some of you want to die, some don't. That makes it very hard.
What should I say..... some people are so punished.... and I don't know why some have such a burden and don't even get helped.
Are you in the U.S.?

What kind of resources would you like? Information on DID?

Sending you strength and hope your day goes kind of well .

Surprised to see another plural here. Sounds like our diagnoses line up very well, too.

Thank you. I, or we, appreciate it a lot that you understand. And at the same time, we're sorry that you had to experience or see these things.

Not in the US, unfortunately, backwater balkans.

The resources I'm looking for is... I'm not so sure, really. I need a way to steel myself and finally decide instead of literally dancing on the edge every evening.

Thankfully i have a lot of resources on DID and I'm also a part of a DID support nonprofit, i got that covered, but thank you.

Your words resonated a lot and I'm very grateful. I hope your day goes well too.

Edit: suicide is such a taboo that we cannot talk about these things with anybody we know.

 

[Meteora]

Surprised to see another plural here. Sounds like our diagnoses line up very well, too.

Yeah we're rare still.... but there might be many more than acutally have knowledge of it.

Thank you. I, or we, appreciate it a lot that you understand. And at the same time, we're sorry that you had to experience or see these things.

Thank you.

backwater balkans.

Oh..... guess it is hard to get good therapy there. But hey, I m in Switzerland and don't get help either ( I always thought Switzerland is a progressive country.... when it comes to money and economy that is true )

The resources I'm looking for is... I'm not so sure, really. I need a way to steel myself and finally decide instead of literally dancing on the edge every evening.

Hm I understand this so, so well.... I drag myself through the days always with one foot at the abyss.

Thankfully i have a lot of resources on DID and I'm also a part of a DID support nonprofit, i got that covered, but thank you.

That's great you are in this group.

Your words resonated a lot and I'm very grateful.

Edit: suicide is such a taboo that we cannot talk about these things with anybody we know.

It is! It really is, society is so ignorant....

 

[thinvy]

I'm sorry that I don't know how to help you, but I did want to let you know that you're certainly not alone. I'm actually turning 26 this year too (laughed a bit at you calling us both old there) and am also a system, I just don't really talk about it on here. There's at least one other system on here actively too, I don't remember their name though.
I also struggle a lot with CPTSD, ocd, and am very autistic. I don't know why every system I've ever met gets the absolute short end of the stick when it comes to mental shit, but it's saddening but also kinda comforting in a way ig? We're never alone, someone else is going through similar stuff yadda yadda, that kind of thing.
I wish I could offer advice on getting everyone on board with your plans, but I genuinely have no clue. I think one of my own is keeping us in halfway decent condition since we've been allowed to unmask at home. It's taken a lot of internal conversation about things and how there's a lot of things wrong with us that will never get better to be this okay with dying; and yet I still fear that one day when most of us are ready, one will keep us alive, after we've already set up everything to leave.


tl;dr shit sucks and I'm sorry, but I can definitely relate. I offer internet hugs as consolation

 

[imbackagainhi]

Yeah we're rare still.... but there might be many more than acutally have knowledge of it.

I believe so, i had no idea where the amnesia (and everything else) came from up until a few years ago.

Oh..... guess it is hard to get good therapy there. But hey, I m in Switzerland and don't get help either ( I always thought Switzerland is a progressive country.... when it comes to money and economy that is true )

Hm I understand this so, so well.... I drag myself through the days always with one foot at the abyss.

I'm sorry Switzerland isn't much more helpful either. I wish you the best, hopefully the situation improves.

And many s if you will accept them.

I'm sorry that I don't know how to help you, but I did want to let you know that you're certainly not alone. I'm actually turning 26 this year too (laughed a bit at you calling us both old there) and am also a system, I just don't really talk about it on here. There's at least one other system on here actively too, I don't remember their name though.
I also struggle a lot with CPTSD, ocd, and am very autistic. I don't know why every system I've ever met gets the absolute short end of the stick when it comes to mental shit, but it's saddening but also kinda comforting in a way ig? We're never alone, someone else is going through similar stuff yadda yadda, that kind of thing.
I wish I could offer advice on getting everyone on board with your plans, but I genuinely have no clue. I think one of my own is keeping us in halfway decent condition since we've been allowed to unmask at home. It's taken a lot of internal conversation about things and how there's a lot of things wrong with us that will never get better to be this okay with dying; and yet I still fear that one day when most of us are ready, one will keep us alive, after we've already set up everything to leave.


tl;dr shit sucks and I'm sorry, but I can definitely relate. I offer internet hugs as consolation

Thank you. I'm sorry that you're also going through this, i wish you weren't. Nobody deserves this.

As to why us DID folks get so much bad things... well, it's kind of a set-up, honestly, as DID comes from massive emotional trauma when you're young. Unfortunately it makes sense, but it's incredibly sad and i wish it wasn't that way.

Now i have them telling me they don't want to be convinced, they'd rather have me keep trying, but every man has their limits, don't they?

You may not want to hear this but one of mine sends his respects and a pat on the back to the one who's trying to keep you in the best condition possible. He says he knows it's hard.

And yes, getting to unmask has been very helpful, we're unmasked at home as well.

Sending hugs as well, those are always welcome.


(oof, don't know why it jammed the two posts together, my apologies...)

 

[Meteora]

I believe so, i had no idea where the amnesia (and everything else) came from up until a few years ago

I think I was amnestic towards the amnesia lol. How can you even know something is wrong if you have never known anything else?

I'm sorry Switzerland isn't much more helpful either. I wish you the best, hopefully the situation improves.

And many s if you will accept them.

Thanks. How was your day?

 

[imbackagainhi]

I think I was amnestic towards the amnesia lol. How can you even know something is wrong if you have never known anything else?


Thanks. How was your day?

right?

my day... I've been drinking most of the day, my alters trying to suicide watch me... the usual. how was yours? better than mine i hope.

 

[Meteora]

right?

my day... I've been drinking most of the day, my alters trying to suicide watch me... the usual. how was yours? better than mine i hope.

Oh my day yesterday was not so good. Too much input and I cannot digest what people say or want. Don't have boundaries. Tell too much about myself and later feel embaressed.

Hope you slept well?

 

[imbackagainhi]

Oh my day yesterday was not so good. Too much input and I cannot digest what people say or want. Don't have boundaries. Tell too much about myself and later feel embaressed.

Hope you slept well?

Oh i resonate with that deeply. Happens to me often. If you want, we can talk in private, i really wouldn't mind talking to you, though i don't know how trustable this website is when it comes to that (just stumbled into a very toxic incl thread trying to give reassurance and i got strwmanned). You seem very kind though, so i suppose there's great people here too.

I slept awful, only got 1 hour but funnily enough it's the best sleep I've had in months. It's usually even worse.

 

[Meteora]

Oh i resonate with that deeply. Happens to me often. If you want, we can talk in private, i really wouldn't mind talking to you, though i don't know how trustable this website is when it comes to that (just stumbled into a very toxic incl thread trying to give reassurance and i got strwmanned). You seem very kind though, so i suppose there's great people here too.

I slept awful, only got 1 hour but funnily enough it's the best sleep I've had in months. It's usually even worse.

There are both, (let's say) rather difficult people but many very nice people. Sure, let's write privately.

 

[Ambivalent1]

For context: been here before, received some support and ended up leaving the site because i thought i "got treatment and i'm finally getting better" but i ended up being misdiagnosed with bipolar (which i don't have, is now proven) and put on a 200mg quietiapine starting dose along with 10mg abilify which I'm pretty sure ended up just giving me brain damage.



since then i got a DID diagnosis, which actually did help. unmasking and getting to resolve past traumas got me to the point where i was on my way to recovery.



and since I'm writing here now, obviously that didn't happen. have a bipolar husband and fought a lot. very badly. i managed to get him to a doctor and he's been on medication and therapy since and he's doing much better.



i on the other hand ended up worse than I've ever been, first time I'm actually comfortable with the idea of jumping and thinking about it more and more gives me hope. but i need to work up the courage. the doctors are ghosting me nonstop, i get abused by my inlaws nonstop, i see the pain on my husband's face and his venting when he has to deal with getting me help. I'll never get help and i can't take this anymore, it's been 17 years of non stop suffering. (edit: i'm old, 26 now)



there's this block which I'm sure you know what i mean. not regrets, no guilt, no remorse, everyone would be better off without me because they always make sure i know how much of a burden i am. i don't believe in hell as that's what my life has always been, it could only get better if it did exist down there. falling from the 17th on my back, if i hit my head it'd be instantaneous. no problem there.


i don't know what's blocking me. i think it's that I'm a coward. i think it's that i know there's nothing beyond and I'll just stop existing, there will be some brief mourning, my husband will be sad but he deserves better. my mother will most likely commit too and we're both better off dead. i have nothing holding me here. but this unexplainable lack of ability to actually do it. if i can't do it sober, I'll probably get wasted and take all my benzos beforehand.


also, i have this problem from the DID, namely that my other alters/parts don't want me to kill myself. which i understand, but we're all suffering and I'm only doing them justice if i kill this body. it will never get better. not with how traumatized, and how mentally messed up we are (not the DID, that's pretty great when you're not also depressed and psychotic from CPTSD).


Thanks for reading. would appreciate some kind help if you can suggest me resources to research this mental block so i can understand it.



cheers, hope you all get whatever you really want and are looking for.

How did you discover you have DID? I also have CPTSD.

 

[imbackagainhi]

How did you discover you have DID? I also have CPTSD.

i did a few tests (SDQ 20, and DES) and went to a psychiatrist for a referral/evaluation.

how i discovered it is, well... i always knew there was something strante but never knew what. i found it out through tabletop roleplaying, actually, i realized i had my different alters play different characters and i had episodes of amnesia all my life. including after the sessions. got suspicious and went to get a formal diagnosis, then boom. i have it, scored waaaaay above the minimum requirement for DID, and since then, the people I've shared it with (as well as other DID people) have been telling me it's quite obvious i have it when you know what to look for. i mask heavily.

 

[Ambivalent1]

i did a few tests (SDQ 20, and DES) and went to a psychiatrist for a referral/evaluation.

how i discovered it is, well... i always knew there was something strante but never knew what. i found it out through tabletop roleplaying, actually, i realized i had my different alters play different characters and i had episodes of amnesia all my life. including after the sessions. got suspicious and went to get a formal diagnosis, then boom. i have it, scored waaaaay above the minimum requirement for DID, and since then, the people I've shared it with (as well as other DID people) have been telling me it's quite obvious i have it when you know what to look for. i mask heavily.

Does changing your mind often or having many regrets imply the existence of alters?

i did a few tests (SDQ 20, and DES) and went to a psychiatrist for a referral/evaluation.

how i discovered it is, well... i always knew there was something strante but never knew what. i found it out through tabletop roleplaying, actually, i realized i had my different alters play different characters and i had episodes of amnesia all my life. including after the sessions. got suspicious and went to get a formal diagnosis, then boom. i have it, scored waaaaay above the minimum requirement for DID, and since then, the people I've shared it with (as well as other DID people) have been telling me it's quite obvious i have it when you know what to look for. i mask heavily.

The sad thing about jumping is the regret that will kick in immediately :(

 

[imbackagainhi]

Does changing your mind often or having many regrets imply the existence of alters?

it might, so can feeling like you're a different person every now and again. if you don't experience amnesia it still might be OSDD. there's a handy website with resources, i'll send you a link in private, could you PM me? i don't want to post it publicly because i see a lot of trolls on the site.

 

[Ambivalent1]

it might, so can feeling like you're a different person every now and again. if you don't experience amnesia it still might be OSDD. there's a handy website with resources, i'll send you a link in private, could you PM me? i don't want to post it publicly because i see a lot of trolls on the site.

No amnesia. I do often feel different from day to day. I can suffer horribly one night and then a day later be confused by something I wrote to myself the night before. I can remember writing the note but I can't feel the anguish from that night. Feels foreign.