I'm pissed that the meds are working.

[durdendeath]

Hi, a few weeks back a doctor raised my dose 4mg brexipiprazole (an antipsychotic) and 200mg of sertraline. It's starting to work and for once I feel sane, no weird voices or thoughts, and I don't know how to feel about this. I'm waiting for the day I get knocked down or the that one day I find that the medications aren't actually suitable for me. I'm so used to feeling doomed and insane, it's weird to feel nothing. It's supposed to be a hallelujah moment but I'm paranoid about not feeling doomer-ish although not as strong as when I'm unmedicated. I hate this feeling, but I can't go back to being unmedicated or the doctors would scream at me, and I'm scared that I'll hurt someone I never meant to hurt if I was in a clear state of mind.
I hate everything about myself. That I have to fucking rely on such a high fucking dose, that I can never be mentally normal because my brain is messed up. I'm supposed to be happy but I'm pissed about being reliant on medication, about being terrified, about being a possible schizophrenic serial killer if I stop the medication abruptly.
There's a lot going on in my mind, I'm sorry.

 

[timf]

Sometimes medication can reach a "maintenance" level, other times levels of effectivity seem to vary and one can be chasing a moving target. It may be a worthwhile experiment to find some activity or hobby that you can use as a measurement standard. Using feelings as a measurement standard can be occasionally misleading as they can be transient and amplified or attenuated. if your interest in an activity varies, it may be a more reliable indicator.

If you can sustain a level of stability, the next step would be to see what you could experiment with that would help optimize that level such that your quality of life can improve. You might take encouragement that some things seem to be working.

 

[LittleJem]

you are not alone. so many people depend on all kinds of medication to live their life…

I am surrounded by people on medication at the moment who would have no life or be in prison etc without meds..

I used to hate the idea of medication but now I know it helps a lot of people
I try to get used to my memtal illness by takking to other people who are surviving it. It is hard to get used to and accept. I fucking hate it and I accept it more than I did…