Venting i'm pathetic

[humantrash]

i don't know what's wrong with me. it's been 2 years since i've dropped college and i've done nothing since then, nothing at all, i have no job and don't study, i don't even have hobbies, i've literally have done nohing these couple years, just looking at the time slipping by and it only makes me feel worse. i'm 20 years old and i'm a failure, i've never had friends in my life, never kissed anyone, never had a romantic partner and never will, i'll die alone because i don't fit with people, i don't fit in this world and i'll never achieve anything because i'm useless, ugly and talentless. life doesn't even feel real anymore, i'm living the same day over and over again, living the same scenarios with the same outcome, it feels so unreal that i often feel like my mind is somewhere else. there's weeks when i feel like absolute garbage but now i feel nothing at all, just irritability and sadness from time to time. i keep thinking about suicide and i'm not even sure why i wanna do it, i guess there's just no point in living this stupid worthless life.
i recently started seeing a therapist but i feel like there's no point in doing it, last time i had no idea what to tell them, my mind went blank and i just started crying without any reason, i want to die and i feel bad and i don't even know why?? ugh, i know i'm not mentally ill, i'm not depressed, i'm just weak and pathetic, i felt so stupid for making that appointment and wasting their time, i don't know if i should keep seing this therapist, i can't stop feeling like they hate me and find me disgusting.
my life isn't even that bad, i could say i'm way too privileged that lots of people in this world and other people have it way worse than me, at least i have a roof under my head and food without even having to work for it and yet i'm a fucking failure and a disappointment, i don't deserve any of the things good things that i have, i wish i could give my life to someone who actually wants to live, the only thing i could do right is to donate my organs when i finally get the courage to ctb.
i'm sorry for this stupid long vent, i just feel so lonely and hopeless.

 

[anhedonya]

You are not alone. I never actually wanted to go to college but, people have expectations and so I went. I'm also dropping college. I feel that I have made no contributions to society for a very long time now, but I can't make myself do anything that isn't absolutely necessary. The only reason I go to work is because I know I need the funds for my plan, there's just no way around it. The only reason I went to college was because of the refunds they gave.

I do not think you are a failure or strange though. There are plenty of people, and when I say plenty I mean a LOT, who have never had romantic relationships or very many friends even by their 30s. I know these things are important to you, and that's understandable, but there's nothing "wrong" with you. In the grand scheme of things, you're insanely young. Most people your age don't even know how to tie their shoes or cook themselves rice.

You did say something useful in therapy though. I know it doesn't feel like it but crying is an integral part of therapy. Many patients take a handful of sessions to even pinpoint something bothering them, and the "revelation" where you speak what's truly wrong may never come because of the nature of therapy appointments. Having to make it and then drive/be driven there and/or prepare notes of stuff you wanna talk about makes the brain completely blank when you actually arrive, so then you feel like "I have nothing to talk about". It's a very common occurrence which is why so many people do out of the door confessions, where as they're leaving, they say something very serious and honest so that it gets brought up next session instead. I would be completely flabbergasted if any mental health professional thought badly of you just because you cried.

Though you have the right to decide what to do with your life in all aspects, I highly disagree that you're a failure or hopeless. I say this with love because I understand just because others experience it doesn't make it any less painful or singular, but please believe me when I say that every single person in their 20s, especially their early 20s, has these extremely difficult realizations about life. About who or what they're supposed to be and how little they're contributing, about how they're scared of the future and can't see themselves in 5 years. Yes some are suffering with things like depression and CTB thoughts, but literally every single one of them, including me at that age and a few years later, is scared. They just hide it to appear strong.

You are not alone. You do have value and inherent worth. You have a lot of time, you're not running out of it. I promise!

 

[thealteredmind]

i know i'm not mentally ill, i'm not depressed

the rest of your post contradicts this man.

love

 

[AkaRed]

I relate 100% ;;

<3

 

[DoctorsDose]

i don't know what's wrong with me. it's been 2 years since i've dropped college and i've done nothing since then, nothing at all, i have no job and don't study, i don't even have hobbies, i've literally have done nohing these couple years, just looking at the time slipping by and it only makes me feel worse. i'm 20 years old and i'm a failure, i've never had friends in my life, never kissed anyone, never had a romantic partner and never will, i'll die alone because i don't fit with people, i don't fit in this world and i'll never achieve anything because i'm useless, ugly and talentless. life doesn't even feel real anymore, i'm living the same day over and over again, living the same scenarios with the same outcome, it feels so unreal that i often feel like my mind is somewhere else. there's weeks when i feel like absolute garbage but now i feel nothing at all, just irritability and sadness from time to time. i keep thinking about suicide and i'm not even sure why i wanna do it, i guess there's just no point in living this stupid worthless life.
i recently started seeing a therapist but i feel like there's no point in doing it, last time i had no idea what to tell them, my mind went blank and i just started crying without any reason, i want to die and i feel bad and i don't even know why?? ugh, i know i'm not mentally ill, i'm not depressed, i'm just weak and pathetic, i felt so stupid for making that appointment and wasting their time, i don't know if i should keep seing this therapist, i can't stop feeling like they hate me and find me disgusting.
my life isn't even that bad, i could say i'm way too privileged that lots of people in this world and other people have it way worse than me, at least i have a roof under my head and food without even having to work for it and yet i'm a fucking failure and a disappointment, i don't deserve any of the things good things that i have, i wish i could give my life to someone who actually wants to live, the only thing i could do right is to donate my organs when i finally get the courage to ctb.
i'm sorry for this stupid long vent, i just feel so lonely and hopeless.

You are absolutely mentally ill, and you are absolutely depressed. There is nothing wrong with that.

Proud of you for going to therapy, and I encourage you going more. For a while, it helped put things into perspective, and I daresay for a moment, it helped me ground and cope. I only hope you continue going with hopes that it may for you as well.

You don't have to and should not compare yourself to others. Everyone's struggle is unique, valid, and important to themselves as is any other. To anchor off what Anhedonya mentioned, you aren't weird nor strange. I can tell you with full confidence that I am on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of social life, but I promise you from where I stand things aren't better for me.

But it may be better for you, and it's okay to want things differently. You aren't weak nor pathetic for wanting the things you want, we all want things.

Keep pushing on, I'm 32 now and I remember having it extremely rough, but things did start getting better. I'm just hoping they do soon for you and it only does!

 

[DefinitelyReady]

the rest of your post contradicts this man.

love

No shame in it though. Also I didn't kiss a guy until I was was 21... or have full-on sex until I was 25... now I'm 32 and still have nothing to show for it. You're at your golden years. Use them well. Best of fate.

 

[iloverachel]

I am so sorry you are struggling and suffering so much
I don't think you are a loser at all for the things you mentioned. Anyway we are here for you