KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,801
Everyone irl can continue to try and persuade me to persist on with this miserable life, but the writing is on the walls. It's up to them to actually try and read it.
I have a guarenteed method. I have SN and all the drugs needed for the regimine. Yet a small part of me is still scared to face death head on, despite knowing without a doubt that the worst is still to come.
My illnesses will never get better. I doubt a cure will exist in my lifetime. The NHS is completely useless and will not even write an "official diagnosis" of my main condition on my medical records, because they say a specialist has to do it.
I need documents to give to my university saying that I am even more physically impaired now, and cannot get them due to this bullshit beurocracy. The wait time to speak to this so called specialist consultant is likely going to be 6 months to a year. The GP surgery knows I have ptsd and absolutely do not want to be around more hospitals and doctors, they know I have limited time to submit the evidence to my uni, but do they care?? NO WAY.
No one around me seems to comprehend what an absolute clown show it all is. I am extremely ill and suffering from a chronic incurable disease. My condition cannot be picked up by any blood tests and scans, yet I have to have a letter from a bloody useless doctor who has 0 knowledge of CFS for someone to take my suffering seriously?
I told my boyfriend how stupid this is. His reply is that there are systems in play that keep society functioning, and I cannot bend them to my will, I am powerless to change society, so I need to just deal with it. Then at other times he will simply state I am unhinged and possess weird beliefs that are not normal or rational, such as my firm conviction in bodily autonomy and right to die.
My partner always gaslights me too and says that I can't truly know what's wrong with me because I haven't had every scan under the sun and I don't know better than the "experts" who happen to be genuinely clueless as to how to help me.
You know, I'm not crazy. This entire world is the source of craziness. Here's one such example of the utter delusional messaging we are subjected to, courtesy of a culture rife with survivor bias. Anyone who is disabled or disadvantaged in any way is expected to perform at full capacity as if they are healthy, with little to no accommodation or support.
People who genuinely believe that someone can enjoy a life of solitude, loneliness, discrimination, poverty, and failing health are the crazy ones. These things are meant to elicit pain. When someone is in extreme pain, it is near impossible to foster a jovial environment.
Individuals who have loving families, wealth, and perfect health, then pontificate that everyone can be as happy as they are with little to no capital (whether that be social or material) are equivalent to villains who would wave their hot plate of food in front of a starving beggar whilst remarking that he should be happy to suffer from his hunger pains, because someone out there is dying of malnutrition.
One cannot live in opulence then say the poor man should be humble and learn to appreciate his poverty. The fact that we are expected to trudge on no matter the circumstances is completely illogical and abysmal, especially when many people have the means to make adjustments for disabled and disadvantaged individuals and they simply refuse to do so. One meaningful accommodation could change a person's life forever. Yet, no one gives a damn.
Studying Neuroscience, I know how much of a farce a lot of the mental health industry is, backed up by shoddy evidence and overwhelming numbers of placebos. It makes me sick and frustrated seeing the abundance of corruption, greed, power grabbing, and profit motivation plaguing academia and science.
Experimental treatments are kept behind lock and key because they are insanely costly. I bet your average psychiatrist has no idea about the oxytocin studies being done to help autistic adults, nor the gene therapies that could cure so many ailments via methylation of DNA and histone modifications, controlling the expressions of certain proteins.
My point is, we are far away from rolling out effective treatments for so many illnesses due to all the red tape that is required. It is outlandishly cruel to tell people they must suffer waiting for a panacea that may not come during their lifetime.
However, we live in a world where everyone is completely disillusioned by optimism bias and thinks SSRIs and therapy will cure everything. The refusal to face reality head on and acknowledge that humans are not omnipotent oracles who know everything about the universe is something that drives me insane. We know less than we think, especially when it comes to disease and therapeutics. Once the veneer has been shattered for you, spawning your critical appraisal of the fucked up way this world operates, you can't go back.
Nothing feels real anymore. It's as if everyone around me is living in a fever dream where they are just blind to the injustices happening right under their noses. I feel like I must be living on a different planet than they are. 51% of disabled people in this country who seek benefits have attempted suicide. We are cast in the shadows and left to die.
But you will be told to be happy you are alive. I am absolutely thrilled that my muscles ache every second of everyday, that my digestive system is faulty, that I am permanently exhausted and neurologically damaged resulting in unrelenting blurred vision and dizziness, waking up 3 times a night to piss because my bladder can't work properly, frequently trembling and feeling weak.. I should be so grateful for it all, shouldn't I?
I don't think i am making sense now so I will end here. I'm too fatigued to actually contemplate what I'm typing. All I know is that it does not make someone crazy to acknowledge the cracks in the system. Acknowledging one's prognosis is not insanity either. My body hurts too much to write anymore
I have a guarenteed method. I have SN and all the drugs needed for the regimine. Yet a small part of me is still scared to face death head on, despite knowing without a doubt that the worst is still to come.
My illnesses will never get better. I doubt a cure will exist in my lifetime. The NHS is completely useless and will not even write an "official diagnosis" of my main condition on my medical records, because they say a specialist has to do it.
I need documents to give to my university saying that I am even more physically impaired now, and cannot get them due to this bullshit beurocracy. The wait time to speak to this so called specialist consultant is likely going to be 6 months to a year. The GP surgery knows I have ptsd and absolutely do not want to be around more hospitals and doctors, they know I have limited time to submit the evidence to my uni, but do they care?? NO WAY.
No one around me seems to comprehend what an absolute clown show it all is. I am extremely ill and suffering from a chronic incurable disease. My condition cannot be picked up by any blood tests and scans, yet I have to have a letter from a bloody useless doctor who has 0 knowledge of CFS for someone to take my suffering seriously?
I told my boyfriend how stupid this is. His reply is that there are systems in play that keep society functioning, and I cannot bend them to my will, I am powerless to change society, so I need to just deal with it. Then at other times he will simply state I am unhinged and possess weird beliefs that are not normal or rational, such as my firm conviction in bodily autonomy and right to die.
My partner always gaslights me too and says that I can't truly know what's wrong with me because I haven't had every scan under the sun and I don't know better than the "experts" who happen to be genuinely clueless as to how to help me.
You know, I'm not crazy. This entire world is the source of craziness. Here's one such example of the utter delusional messaging we are subjected to, courtesy of a culture rife with survivor bias. Anyone who is disabled or disadvantaged in any way is expected to perform at full capacity as if they are healthy, with little to no accommodation or support.
People who genuinely believe that someone can enjoy a life of solitude, loneliness, discrimination, poverty, and failing health are the crazy ones. These things are meant to elicit pain. When someone is in extreme pain, it is near impossible to foster a jovial environment.
Individuals who have loving families, wealth, and perfect health, then pontificate that everyone can be as happy as they are with little to no capital (whether that be social or material) are equivalent to villains who would wave their hot plate of food in front of a starving beggar whilst remarking that he should be happy to suffer from his hunger pains, because someone out there is dying of malnutrition.
One cannot live in opulence then say the poor man should be humble and learn to appreciate his poverty. The fact that we are expected to trudge on no matter the circumstances is completely illogical and abysmal, especially when many people have the means to make adjustments for disabled and disadvantaged individuals and they simply refuse to do so. One meaningful accommodation could change a person's life forever. Yet, no one gives a damn.
Studying Neuroscience, I know how much of a farce a lot of the mental health industry is, backed up by shoddy evidence and overwhelming numbers of placebos. It makes me sick and frustrated seeing the abundance of corruption, greed, power grabbing, and profit motivation plaguing academia and science.
Experimental treatments are kept behind lock and key because they are insanely costly. I bet your average psychiatrist has no idea about the oxytocin studies being done to help autistic adults, nor the gene therapies that could cure so many ailments via methylation of DNA and histone modifications, controlling the expressions of certain proteins.
My point is, we are far away from rolling out effective treatments for so many illnesses due to all the red tape that is required. It is outlandishly cruel to tell people they must suffer waiting for a panacea that may not come during their lifetime.
However, we live in a world where everyone is completely disillusioned by optimism bias and thinks SSRIs and therapy will cure everything. The refusal to face reality head on and acknowledge that humans are not omnipotent oracles who know everything about the universe is something that drives me insane. We know less than we think, especially when it comes to disease and therapeutics. Once the veneer has been shattered for you, spawning your critical appraisal of the fucked up way this world operates, you can't go back.
Nothing feels real anymore. It's as if everyone around me is living in a fever dream where they are just blind to the injustices happening right under their noses. I feel like I must be living on a different planet than they are. 51% of disabled people in this country who seek benefits have attempted suicide. We are cast in the shadows and left to die.
But you will be told to be happy you are alive. I am absolutely thrilled that my muscles ache every second of everyday, that my digestive system is faulty, that I am permanently exhausted and neurologically damaged resulting in unrelenting blurred vision and dizziness, waking up 3 times a night to piss because my bladder can't work properly, frequently trembling and feeling weak.. I should be so grateful for it all, shouldn't I?
I don't think i am making sense now so I will end here. I'm too fatigued to actually contemplate what I'm typing. All I know is that it does not make someone crazy to acknowledge the cracks in the system. Acknowledging one's prognosis is not insanity either. My body hurts too much to write anymore
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