Help Im not sure what to do.

[hopelessness009]

Last year I started seeing a guy. We once went out and spent the night at a hotel room. I drank too much and was feeling sick and lightheaded. I even threw up a little. When i was sleeping he had sex with me. I woke up a little and just layed there as he did it. And I remember him stopping and getting something and then I dont remember anything. I didnt really realise what happened. We continued to see each other. He ended it a few months ago. So I vented to some girls and would tell about what happened and stuff he did. I was trying to get over him so i vented. He wasnt that great. And i was trying to get myself to realise that. I also told them about what happened in the hotel room. I dont know why I did. They all said it was rape because i was sleeping and not awake. I was suprised cus I didnt think it was. I dont know maybe it was cus i was so into him that i didnt wanna admit it. But still even now i dont feel like it was. I know im emotionally fucked.

I dont feel like it did anything to me. I feel okay. But still it angers me. I walked away hurt and used. Im so tempted to tell my dad what he did to me. That he did something to me while i slept and never consented too. I dont wanna call it rape though. I think its cus every time rape is protrayed its always violent and painful. But it didnt hurt and it wasnt scary. Im not scared of him, im just uncomfortable around him. I mean I could have done something. I woke up to him doing it. I could have tried to say something. Sure i was dizzy and drunk too much but a small part of me is like ... well u did wake up so if i didnt want to i could have done something. But i was feeling so pyshically sick that i just layed there.

I have to see him at work and i was hoping if i tell my dad maybe he could get the teamleader(that mans leader at his work) to change driver(he works as a driver, we dont work together he just picks up products where i work) and get a new one to drive for us. Cus i hate seeing him. I dislike having to load his car. And i hate seeing my parents be friendly with him. It just pisses me off. But im so scared and i dont really wanna tell my dad. I have no idea what to do...

I feel so invalid because i still saw him after that night. I continued to meet him. So if it didnt affect me was it truly a bad thing? Was it still SA? I feel so lost. I know i also tend to push away my feelings. I need some advice on what to do. Is it just best if i leave it alone? Im honestly so scared to say anything to my dad. I dont tend to open up at all...

 

[リンさん]

Yes, it was rape. 100%.

I am a woman. It disgusts me just how normalized SA is to the point we have to question whether or not someone breaching our privacy and using us is "enough" to complain. Enough to treat it seriously.

Reading what he did to you makes me absolutely sick and hateful. You didn't deserve this. He is a disgusting human being for taking advantage of you like that. I'm really sorry. You are not at fault for not intervening, you were intoxicated and blindsided by infatuation.

Please, don't let this man just walk away with it. He should get punished, or at least for his crime to be publicized. So that no other girl has to put up with this shit and be left with lifelong trauma.

 

[hopelessness009]

Yes, it was rape. 100%.

I am a woman. It disgusts me just how normalized SA is to the point we have to question whether or not someone breaching our privacy and using us is "enough" to complain. Enough to treat it seriously.

Reading what he did to you makes me absolutely sick and hateful. You didn't deserve this. He is a disgusting human being for taking advantage of you like that. I'm really sorry. You are not at fault for not intervening, you were intoxicated and blindsided by infatuation.

Please, don't let this man just walk away with it. He should get punished, or at least for his crime to be publicized. So that no other girl has to put up with this shit and be left with lifelong trauma.

I cant and wont go to the police. I have zero proof and would rather not go through that. Its been almost a year since it happened. I just feel kinda lost right now. I hate seeing him at work.

 

[tfnb]

If you didn't consent then it's rape. It doesn't matter whether it was violent, whether it felt good, or whether you feel bad about it.

What you do about it is up to you. If you want to report it, tell your dad, or live with it, it's nobody's experience except your own, so nobody's opinion on what to do matters except your own. People will try to guilt you into acting certain ways, but it's your experience to cope with, so they don't matter.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Wth!? @hopelessness009 thinks that it was not rape and you @リンさん and @tfnb keep trying to force your opinions on her. Let her make her own decision ffs! Stop trying to brainwash her! She sounds smart enough.

Granted, it feels off. I would never do something like this to a girl, I mean what's the point if she's not feeling it, if she's not enjoying it?

@hopelessness009 If you feel unconfortable about the situation and you know that there's a way to fix it, or at least change it then do something about it. Talk to your dad if you think it will help. And if that doesn't then you ask for a transfer. Be calm when you do it. Be honest, be yourself.

 

[suicidepanda]

Wth!? @hopelessness009 thinks that it was not rape and you @リンさん and @tfnb keep trying to force your opinions on her. Let her make her own decision ffs! Stop trying to brainwash her! She sounds smart enough.

Granted, it feels off. I would never do something like this to a girl, I mean what's the point if she's not feeling it, if she's not enjoying it?

@hopelessness009 If you feel unconfortable about the situation and you know that there's a way to fix it, or at least change it then do something about it. Talk to your dad if you think it will help. And if that doesn't then you ask for a transfer. Be calm when you do it. Be honest, be yourself.

If there was no consent, it was rape. She didn't say she'd like to have sex with him. And he did anyway, while she was SLEEPING, mind you. What kind of fucking intention do you see in that? Do you actually believe this man had such good intentions while he raped her in her sleep?

Also, she ASKED for opinions. She made a public post asking for HELP. Nobody is forcing their opinions onto anybody. She never even said she DIDNT think it was rape, she said she was back and forth on it and is clearly in denial that it was rape. Regardless, even if she doesn't believe it was rape and has no intention to do anything about it, it made her uncomfortable. It makes her uncomfortable to see him, to be around him.

 

[リンさん]

Wth!? @hopelessness009 thinks that it was not rape and you @リンさん and @tfnb keep trying to force your opinions on her. Let her make her own decision ffs! Stop trying to brainwash her! She sounds smart enough.

Granted, it feels off. I would never do something like this to a girl, I mean what's the point if she's not feeling it, if she's not enjoying it?

@hopelessness009 If you feel unconfortable about the situation and you know that there's a way to fix it, or at least change it then do something about it. Talk to your dad if you think it will help. And if that doesn't then you ask for a transfer. Be calm when you do it. Be honest, be yourself.

"Rape, unlawful sexual activity, most often involving sexual intercourse, against the will of the victim through force or the threat of force or with an individual who is incapable of giving legal consent because of minor status, mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception".

That's the only thing I'm gonna post regarding this. Also, OP asked for opinions.

You disgust me. Please never, ever mention or refer to me again. Thanks.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Hmm.. I misread. I'm sorry! I apologize!

 

[hopelessness009]

If you didn't consent then it's rape. It doesn't matter whether it was violent, whether it felt good, or whether you feel bad about it.

What you do about it is up to you. If you want to report it, tell your dad, or live with it, it's nobody's experience except your own, so nobody's opinion on what to do matters except your own. People will try to guilt you into acting certain ways, but it's your experience to cope with, so they don't matter.

Thank you.
Honestly a small part of me just wants to tell my dad. Just like a small revenge for how he hurt me. Cus it seemed he never wanted my family to know about him. But another part of me just wants to keep quiet. Like i always do, keep it to myself. I dont cope well. I was also SA (not rape) by another man that i went on one date with. I cried a little but after i didnt even think about it. It feels like i dont have the right reactions. I know people can react differently to thing but i dont like how i react to things like this.

I wish i could just move on. But having to see him makes it harder. I only see him every other day for around 30mins ish... it never gets easier though. I thought i could just pretend everything is fine. Not care. Like he does but i cant.
I dont feel like anyone is forcing opinions on me. I want opinions. Cus im so lost in how i feel. Im not good with emotions and i think i tend to push things away. I came here for some help and advice cus i have no one IRL i can ask.

 

[Tesha]

@hopelessness009, its OK to feel like you do. You don't need to go to the police, you don't need to report it. You need to be in control of what you need and want at the moment. What that 'person' did was wrong. Very wrong.

I'm not sure which country you're in, but see if there's an online helpline that you might consider talking to. If in the UK, they will believe you and they won't report it to anyone else. You can then talk it through with them, that may give you enough headspace to understand what happened to you and what you want to do.

Massive

 

[tfnb]

Wth!? @hopelessness009 thinks that it was not rape and you @リンさん and @tfnb keep trying to force your opinions on her. Let her make her own decision ffs! Stop trying to brainwash her! She sounds smart enough.

I literally told them to not listen to other people pushing their opinions on them and make their own decisions, are you high?

 

[outlook56]

In fact, I do not like incitement against a person, but rape in general is forced sex. If you consent, it is not rape. I do not want incitement, etc., you can read the laws of your country. Some countries require sperm. A two-sided investigation. This is all I can say. Unfortunately, I was raped two and a half months ago, and I have no energy for the police. I just want to die

 

[Melly]

I dont wanna call it rape though. I think its cus every time rape is protrayed its always violent and painful. But it didnt hurt and it wasnt scary.

This is actually how I would say most rapes actually look like. Most abuse is perpetrated by someone close to the victim, sexual abuse is no exception. It rarely gets portrayed like this in the media because it's way more uncomfortable to think about. I can't imagine what you're going through. This kind of event is psychological torture.
Edit: you should definitely tell your dad or someone you trust. It's very difficult to cope with these feelings alone.

 

[lita-lassi]

that was rape. there are trauma counselors and therapists you can talk to about your feelings and what happened who would be able to help you map out options on actions you can take. they won't involve the police unless you specifically ask them to

 

[Deleted User#81194]

I wish society would normalize taking away the sex drives of rapists and pedophiles. There's never any real justice. If I was ever raped, I wouldn't tell the cops or any family member. I'd simply just kill them and be done with it. Then probably kill myself.

 

[shojoushawty]

Yes it was. Sending you love

 

[Chass]

That's disgusting. That's 100% rape. I know that some feel kinda distant, spaced out, or not really there when they've been raped. May not be you, or how you feel, but most feelings of the situation do return later. Sometimes months later. It's a horrible thing to have happened and that man is just scum. Your feelings are valid

 

[lita-lassi]

I wish society would normalize taking away the sex drives of rapists and pedophiles. There's never any real justice. If I was ever raped, I wouldn't tell the cops or any family member. I'd simply just kill them and be done with it. Then probably kill myself.

i honestly dream of a world where those that sexually hurt others get castrated horribly, small varying degrees of anesthesia allowed depending on how severe the crime

 

[hopelessness009]

That's disgusting. That's 100% rape. I know that some feel kinda distant, spaced out, or not really there when they've been raped. May not be you, or how you feel, but most feelings of the situation do return later. Sometimes months later. It's a horrible thing to have happened and that man is just scum. Your feelings are valid

What should i do though? I cant go to police. Do u think i should tell my dad? Hes my boss at work and maybe my dad could have him changed as a driver but idk if he can do that 100% either.

This is actually how I would say most rapes actually look like. Most abuse is perpetrated by someone close to the victim, sexual abuse is no exception. It rarely gets portrayed like this in the media because it's way more uncomfortable to think about. I can't imagine what you're going through. This kind of event is psychological torture.
Edit: you should definitely tell your dad or someone you trust. It's very difficult to cope with these feelings alone.

My dad is my boss at work. I kinda wanted to say something to my dad without going into detail and hope my dad could maybe have the driver changed. Since he works as a driver. Im just not sure if he can do it. But i hate seeing him and in january i will have to see him everyday which is much worse than now since i only see him every other day usually.
I was thinking of texting my dad cus i dont think i can say it face to face

 

[nanaka]

If seeing him at work is disturbing for you, I believe that you should tell your dad to have him changed. If you are uncomfortable with talking to your dad about what happened before, try to just say that you dated him before, but to not talk about your night with him.

As for going to the police for what happened in that hotel, I think you should treat as a separate matter. This may only be my own opinion, but I think you should inspect your feelings closely and try to remember when you started to have that discomfort when remembering that night. Was it before or after you broke with him? Did you break because of that night? Do you constantly think about that night at the hotel? If so, is it because it bothers you personally, or is it because of what your friends said to you?

What he did is indeed wrong, there is no question about it, because he used you regardless of your feelings. But what should count in the end regarding what you want to do about it is not his actions or what the law says, but your feelings.
If it bothers you in the slightest, go to the police. If you only feel bothered because your friends are pressuring you into reporting him, then take a step back and think again.

 

[hopelessness009]

If seeing him at work is disturbing for you, I believe that you should tell your dad to have him changed. If you are uncomfortable with talking to your dad about what happened before, try to just say that you dated him before, but to not talk about your night with him.

As for going to the police for what happened in that hotel, I think you should treat as a separate matter. This may only be my own opinion, but I think you should inspect your feelings closely and try to remember when you started to have that discomfort when remembering that night. Was it before or after you broke with him? Did you break because of that night? Do you constantly think about that night at the hotel? If so, is it because it bothers you personally, or is it because of what your friends said to you?

What he did is indeed wrong, there is no question about it, because he used you regardless of your feelings. But what should count in the end regarding what you want to do about it is not his actions or what the law says, but your feelings.
If it bothers you in the slightest, go to the police. If you only feel bothered because your friends are pressuring you into reporting him, then take a step back and think again.

I feel uncomfortable seeing him at work. I just wish i didnt have too see him

It was after he ended things. I went cray. Everything he did to me was not good. He even pretended to be younger and i ignored every red flag. All cus i liked him. I talked to girls for help and thats when they said it was rape. Im not right in the head. I never was. It bothers me too see him be friendly with my parents. Its also hard to move on from everything with him there.
It angers me to think about it. I try so hard not too. I feel worse thinking about. But it angers me how he treated me