Venting I'm not sure I can keep going

[MidnightCat]

It's been some rough years.

I do usually try to keep living although the suicidal ideas keep cornering me more and more each day.

I try to think "it's not me, it's my disease" (depression) but it's been 15 years. I AM depression. It's a part of myself wether I like it or not.

I do keep trying because I don't want to hurt my loved ones. But there's always that thought that I know it's true...

You'll always end alone. It's a matter of time. You're disgusting.

I swear I've tried. But it's eating me. That shadow it's been long enough to not let me see the sky and the lights for years.


I'm just tired of fighting. I need to rest..

And there's only one way to rest. I've always felt like I was buying borrowed time somehow. And I can't buy it anymore.

I've always had prepared for SN. But when I'm this low... I want to hurt myself. I want the pleasure of feeling the sharp cuts, on a jacuzzi in some hotel. Feeling the warm hug of death. The dizziness, the slow music...


I can't take the "sword" again tomorrow and keep fighting with the world. I... Just can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I don't have any good words. But I noticed that your subject line left some room for doubt? As though maybe you can? Can you think of anything at all that would make the struggle easier?

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot and it's understandable wishing to be gone when you feel so tired of being here. But anyway, best wishes.