I'm not strong

[Princess Picta]

I did a thing I regret. I dated a sugar momma. Seemed like a dream at first. Last minute road trips, lots of pot and drinking and expensive sex toys. Meeting new people. But it was a manipulation. In the end I didn't even profit. I wanted facial feminization surgery for my whole life. I just wanted to look like a girl 100%. I keep reptiles all my life. I love them. Caring for them keeps me alive.

I neglected them because of the daily panic attacks from the turmoil in my home. One turtle died. I had had him for 12 years. I tried to leave. She blackmailed me. A year later I'm still being manipulated. Can't think straight. Made a mistake and my turtle I've had since I was four years old, for 28 years. My best friend and the only constant in my life died.

If only I was not so greedy. If I hadn't been with this psycho. If I hadn't prioritized my beauty over all else.

In ancient times when a general lost a big battle he was supposed to kill himself.
I've lost everything. I don't believe that my life will ever be fulfilling again. It's been 1 year 10 months. Everyday I wake up in misery.

I have no gusto or drive for life. I lost my job because I was too sad to go. Finished trade school but haven't studied for my state exam. I smoke people t and watch TV and sleep.
My new job doesn't give me enough hours. I'm probably going to lose my house.

I have all these other animals to care for. But, living my life all for them. Not for my own future. It's not great. I used to want to live be 100. Now, I'm alone. How can I have 70 more years of this?

The guild and regret are just lying me, but not literally because that would be too convenient.

I have fire arms, I could easily ctb, shot gun to the brain.

I'm too scared. I don't really want to die I just deserve to for what I've done, and I can't live with my feelings anymore. They say there stages of grief and the is acceptance. I refuse to accept. I would rather be miserable every day for the rest of my life than ever stop grieving. But that means I'm choosing to never be happy. It feels like the right choice. But, it sucks. Being miserable for ever.

I wish I was strong and brave enough to commit suicide.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

If you don't want to die then you shouldn't kill yourself. Suicide is something that, if done successfully, you can never come back from so you shouldn't attempt unless you truly want to die.

I'm sorry that your sugar momma is being manipulative towards you. I don't what she is doing to blackmail you and keep you trapped in a relationship with her, but if you are able to, maybe you should tell someone you trust about it? Depending on what it is they might be able to help.

You aren't being greedy. A lot of people these days go to the extreme as a result of the pressure that comes from societal beauty standards. Also, if facial feminization surgery makes you feel more comfortable with your own body then I don't think it's a bad thing to want it. I'd imagine feeling dysphoric sucks and if facial feminization surgery helps with that then you shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting it.

It wasn't as though you puprosely neglected them. It only happened as a result of unfortunate circumstances. If things had been better at home then you wouldn't have been having daily panic attacks leading to them being neglected. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. It's clear that you didn't neglect them on purpose or out of a lack of responsibility.

 

[lostforever77]

Intellectually I understand this, emotionally it could not be any thing further from the truth. I was married for 16 years. To make matters worse she is using everything she knows about me from our marriage and everything I have told her about my life before her to completely tear me down. I had acute anxiety disordeer, and PTSD from abuse. Now you can throw depression into it. I have panic attacks every time she talks to me and starts saying all these things, or if I am just thinking about what she said. And despite all of that I still love her. So yes, intellectually I know that no person, even my wife is worth killing themselves over. But with PTSD/depression/anxiety disorder its not always a rational decision. I really really need to get past these next two weeks....