Venting I'm not really okay

[Bunchie487]

Am I really clean if I beat myself? Am I really clean if pull my hair out? Am I really clean if I bang my head against the floor? Am I really clean if I scratch myself raw? Am I really clean if it's just not drawing blood? Am I really healing? No.. I'm not, but I'm forced to act like I am, just for others. Just so they stay off my back. It's tiring pretending I'm okay, when there's a war inside me, silent screams, bottled up emotions, thoughts of harming those who've done me wrong always lingering. My whole life has been spent pretending, pushing through the pain no matter what, pleasing others, and carrying on.

 

[wormathen_worms]

I get this so much. I was "clean" from SH by blade or burning for about two years and was very good at pretending everything was okay to the point where I convinced the people who knew about my addiction that I was fully recovered. Meanwhile, my fists found my ribs almost twice a week for many months until the bruises overlapped and I have more dramatic scars from peeling large patches of skin with my nails than I ever did before. I eventually just went back to the tried and true and have started hiding it again.

If you really want to stop I'd say that this isn't the setback you think it is since recovery is often non-linear but if you're only holding yourself back to please others then you won't have much motivation to stop. I feel like people like us really need some way to target the root of all of this without being overtly stigmatized but that seems like such a vague and unrealistic hope that its easier to return to old comforts. I hope that you're able to follow your own path soon, one that makes you happy, regardless of the form that might take.