Venting I'm not ready to go, but time is running out

[february in alaska]

I'm not ready, both in terms of getting SN + supplies and mental preparation. I've given up and I still just feel anxious all day. Haven't done university assignments in a week, I've been calling out sick from work because I can't get out of bed, skipping classes too. I feel awful, all the time. And I just saw a congratulations message from my university about graduation this May and it's just another reminder that I need to hurry the fuck up and get this done with.

February, March, April, fucking whatever at this point. But it needs to happen before graduation, before my job kicks me out (they only really want to hire current students) and before my parents start trying to get me into a place of my own and draining finances into stuff for an adulthood I don't plan on having. I can't keep dragging myself through this. I can't keep dreading every single day and every single minute, every person, every event, all of it. I'm fucking miserable.

Hell. At this point, maybe a gun isn't such a bad idea, as long as I'm careful to do it right. I hate the thought of leaving such a mess and the idea of my mom seeing my body like that, but that's where I'm at. I literally can't do this anymore. I haven't been able to do this for the last decade and I sure as fuck can't do it now. It is never going to get better. I want to punch myself in the face for all my hesitation and thoughts of "but I love [this thing]" and "but I don't want to hurt [this person]!" Fuck that. Get a grip. The things I love, the things I enjoy, the people I care about, none of that has ever outweighed the rest of it and it never will. And I'm never going to be able to move on until I get that through my own thick skull

I would pay an ungodly amount of money for someone to come up behind me in the park and shoot me in the back of the head. I never asked to be alive.

 

[ShadowSelf]

Your post really resonates with me. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I am too.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It isn't that easy. I've had SN sitting around for a year and a half and still haven't even initiated an attempt even though I have zero reason to live. That is coming on the back of over a decade of consistent ideation.

I would strongly urge you not to fuck up your education out of apathy no matter how tempting it is. You never know when CTB will ever come. This forum is perfect testament to that. So crawl over the finish line if you have to.

 

[february in alaska]

Your post really resonates with me. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I am too.

I'm sorry you're dealing with similar shit. This sucks. I wish it was easier for all of us

It isn't that easy. I've had SN sitting around for a year and a half and still haven't even initiated an attempt even though I have zero reason to live. That is coming on the back of over a decade of consistent education.

I would strongly urge you not to fuck up your education out of apathy no matter how tempting it is. You never know when CTB will ever come. This forum is perfect testament to that. So crawl over the finish line if you have to.

I get what you're saying, I just have to hope that it'll be different for me and I'll be able to go through with it. Even if I just stop myself from thinking about it too much and just do it.

I know the smartest thing to do would be to have a backup plan for my life if I end up pussying out or failing, but I can't think like that. The thought of my life being dragged on even just another year literally makes me want to rip out my hair and scream right now

 

[ShadowSelf]

I see the wisdom in what LaVieEnRose is saying. Though I also really feel for you, february in alaska. I, too, am finding it hard to get things done, even though I will have to be here a few years more.

Rather than thinking in terms of another year, what about re-focusing on the day, or even the morning, or even this hour? I get that that's a really hard way to live, but if you can...a year is too overwhelming a span of time to focus on.

Another thing that might help is thinking about the fact that you can always take the SN tomorrow (once you get it, of course). Think: today, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to get over the finish line and graduate, and tomorrow, I can take the SN if I need to.

If these comments don't work for you, please disregard them.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I get what you're saying, I just have to hope that it'll be different for me and I'll be able to go through with it. Even if I just stop myself from thinking about it too much and just do it.

I know the smartest thing to do would be to have a backup plan for my life if I end up pussying out or failing, but I can't think like that. The thought of my life being dragged on even just another year literally makes me want to rip out my hair and scream right now

We are all up against incredible odds. That's the reality of it. You will certainty come to appreciate that when you obtain it.

You're so close to earning your degree. I still urge you to at least continue on the path towards completing your degree up until the day you go, if that happens first.

 

[Subterran]

I finished graduate school in this state of mind. It was dreadful. I didn't know at any given point whether I was foolish for trying to finish, or foolish for giving up. It was just an ever-worsening, always-confusing stream of anxiety and self-loathing and fear, all the while I had to keep it hidden from people. God I was so desperate to pour myself out. I was so hungry for any direction at all.

It's only in retrospect that I can start to appreciate the reasons I suffered, and the reasons I ultimately survived. (These days, I guess it's a different battle I'm fighting. Maybe I never learn.)

All this to say, your story wrenches at my heart. I wish I could take the few lessons I learned so painfully and give them to you, free of charge. If you have any interest in hearing my story, or venting your own, please feel free to DM me.