Venting Im not living but im still alive

[keg-ireland]

I have a chronic disease that has no cure nor treatment to help. Some people can accept the cards they are dealt and adjust. Me? I cannot accept something that has robbed me off my life. For past 12 months or more the depression, agitation and sickness has been relentless. Yes, I'm alive, but im not living.

3 times I tried full suspension hanging. Noose tightened around my neck and all I had to do was kick the stool away. I couldn't do it, I was overcome with fear each time and loosened the noose and went back to rot in my bedroom.

Every day is just the same. Go through hell all day and then sleep for 9 hrs. Strangely I sleep OK and that's the highlight of my new life - sleep.

I guess I'm venting rather than looking for advice. Everyday is a living nightmare and I can't stop it despite having the available means to end it. I wish I could overcome the fear and SI and be free of the daily torture.

Thank you for listening to me.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful what you go through, it truly is such a cruel existence where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find peace eventually.

 

[Timothy7dff]

Chronic disease and evil people suck. Sounds like you fit right in here.

 

[krnaaTh]

sleeping slowly turn out to be the only thing we end up expecting after all day

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

My life is similar, although I'm in bed for twice the amount of time.

 

[jjxt94]

every day has been a blur

 

[attheend13]

I have a chronic disease that has no cure nor treatment to help. Some people can accept the cards they are dealt and adjust. Me? I cannot accept something that has robbed me off my life. For past 12 months or more the depression, agitation and sickness has been relentless. Yes, I'm alive, but im not living.

3 times I tried full suspension hanging. Noose tightened around my neck and all I had to do was kick the stool away. I couldn't do it, I was overcome with fear each time and loosened the noose and went back to rot in my bedroom.

Every day is just the same. Go through hell all day and then sleep for 9 hrs. Strangely I sleep OK and that's the highlight of my new life - sleep.

I guess I'm venting rather than looking for advice. Everyday is a living nightmare and I can't stop it despite having the available means to end it. I wish I could overcome the fear and SI and be free of the daily torture.

Thank you for listening to me.

It sounds like you are really fighting through it. I have no sage advice let alone insight. But if it brinags you any comfort whatsoever, know there's a kindered soul out there, currently trying to drink herself to numbness and pass out. I hear and feel your pain directly in my heart. Life just isn't worth it. But I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm pretty sure you deserve a lot better. I wonder what's worse that there's nothing after death and this was a meaningless social experiment or that there's something and it just doesn't end.