Venting I'm not in love with life anymore

[CatTheBus5689]

It's amazing just how colorless life becomes once you understand the world around you. It's like knowing how a magic trick is done, except the trick itself isn't all that impressive and is only entertaining for toddlers who haven't developed a sense of object permanence.

It feels like the world has great expectations of me the moment I was born, and I have disappointed everyone around me and most importantly myself. And by the same token the world around me has disappointed me immensely, life could be so much more. We as people could be so much more if we all were more compassionate, mentally present, more open to communication and strived to leave the world around us a better place than we found it. But then we have greedy, incompetent people who think of nothing but themselves. I have come to realize that a lot of the problems in the world boils down to "we can solve it but we don't because some rich asshole is making money off of this" and I am reminded that before I am even born I am getting screwed over by idiots who had no business being handed so much money and power on a silver platter through sheer luck while good people work to the bone only to get oppressed by a system they ultimately can't change. My expectations of others has been dragged through the mud over and over while life has the audacity to demand more from me as a person and I am just tired of even trying to be a decent person while the rest of the world hardly cares.

I don't even feel like I have the right to be depressed and considering suicide, as much as it feels like my life is in the shitter I'm one of the lucky ones who had a stable life spoon fed to me. I have never gone a day in my life hungry or thirsty, I have an education, I have two parents, I have no crippling health problems, I have opportunities in life that others would kill for, I have no right to say my life sucks. But with each and every day that passes the more pointless everything feels, what little ambition and passion I had was beaten out of me, hobbies start to become work to continue when they're supposed to be my escape from the world, I can barely muster the energy to stay out of bed during the day anymore.

It's just depressing knowing that life can take whatever it wants from us and the only thing we're allowed to do is to move on and move forward. Life owes us absolutely nothing for our hard work and it's just a matter of hoping what we've built up isn't knocked down by circumstances or even other people we can't control. And who's to say what we earn in life isn't actually just handed to us? No one knows when or even if they will ever find love and no one earns opportunities in life, they just get lucky. What is the point is caring so much when life can give as little as it cares to and take as much as it likes? Sometimes it feels like I'm just smart enough to understand how fucked life can be but not smart or even ambitious enough to work towards changing my life for the better.

I understand that I am depressed and a lot of my thoughts are the result of my condition and that life isn't as screwed up as I perceive it to be and I can feel a lot better if I get treated. Perhaps I can even build a good life. But it doesn't change that I genuinely believe life is, for the most part pointless and everything can be taken away. I've thought this for a very long time, granted I've probably been depressed to some degree since high school or even earlier than that. It doesn't help that I had a bit of a rough breakup that do doubt made my depression significantly worse but I'm not going to blame anyone but myself for allowing it to consume my mind and being so stubborn about leaving behind a chapter of my life. In a few months I will have spent more time trying to move on than I have spent actually dating.

Life has been nothing but predictable, every disappointment I experience feeds my confirmation bias and gives me one more reason to be bored of life. When I realized what great thing I finally had I thought to myself this is going to end so uneventfully, so quietly and with no room for recourse and I'm just building myself just high enough to send myself into a pit of despair. But I also thought maybe, just maybe if I can just have this one thing, one amazing person who promises to stay in my life as the love of my life and my closest friend then maybe life isn't all that bad. Of course it ended just the way I expected it to, the way I was afraid of the most. We drifted apart and slowly but surely I was dropped out of her life, I was told while it wasn't my fault there was nothing I was allowed to do to stop or fix what was happening. How am I supposed to carry on with life when I've been disappointed one too many times?

The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm too unambitious to make any meaningful progress towards cbt. When I think about the last two years I've done a lot to move on and have even made good progress, even if it doesn't feel like it or feel better for it. I've grown tired of giving life a chance even if it's by simply being alive. When I think about how there isn't a single day I would have minded missing out on if I just killed myself earlier then it robs me of what little hope I have in life.

My only regret is not having a more positive impact on those around me. It saddens me when I think about what I'm going to do to my parents who while not perfect by any means absolutely don't deserve to have their child who they poured so much work and love into taken away from them. It saddens me when I think of those who will be traumatized having a close family member or friend suddenly take their own life so suddenly, taking away any opportunity to see each other, filling them with "what ifs" and "if only I" thoughts. I regret I won't be around to comfort the people who will be hurting over me. But I have no desire to grow old and decrepit alone, watching as the world moves on while my struggle just drives me in circles as more and more people leave my life and I'm left alone. The day will come when I will have to care for myself and carve my own place in the world that acts like it is unable to or doesn't want to support me.

I'm sick of all the sickly sweet positive bullshit people are happy to shit out of their mouths when they can't even comprehend the pain and hopelessness people with depression experience. I'm sick of feeling nothing but bitterness, anger, jealousy, frustration and feeling like I'm just never enough to live a good life.

I just want one good reason to wake up tomorrow.

 

[motel rooms]

Never been in love with life

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is disappointing and people can be very selfish. There is no limit as to how bad life can get too. Its all based on luck too and it is unfair, circumstances out of our control can ruin our lives. Just because others have it worse doesn't mean you aren't suffering too. It can really be exhausting constantly dealing with negative emotions, I know what that is like.

 

[PaxAmerica]

Life is disappointing and people can be very selfish. There is no limit as to how bad life can get too. Its all based on luck too and it is unfair, circumstances out of our control can ruin our lives. Just because others have it worse doesn't mean you aren't suffering too. It can really be exhausting constantly dealing with negative emotions, I know what that is like.

Thanks for summing it for me so well. Most people are selfish

 

[CatTheBus5689]

W

Life is disappointing and people can be very selfish. There is no limit as to how bad life can get too. Its all based on luck too and it is unfair, circumstances out of our control can ruin our lives. Just because others have it worse doesn't mean you aren't suffering too. It can really be exhausting constantly dealing with negative emotions, I know what that is like.

What really gets me is the sheer amount of effort and good will you need to put into your life in order to live properly. A lot of people don't even appreciate the amount of work others put in let alone life, life just gives and takes whatever and whenever to whomever. We work and move forward because it's all we can do, not because it will get us anywhere.

Humans at their very core are flawed and prone to tons and tons of problems and most people are either unaware, apathetic or hell even proud of their problems. I myself am no exception to this, life is an unending process of improving yourself and at this point I'm done with it all. I've been living on for no particular reason and the sheer pointlessness of it all has finally caught up and taken the wind out of my sails. I look around for reasons to see tomorrow but I just get reminders of why I have to hope to begin with.


No more. I don't want anything anymore, I don't need anyone anymore. I have no desire to see past the end of this year and my only hope is I have the strength for once in my life to be firm in the choices I've made, even if it means hurting people I care about.

 

[creative]

Beautifully said. I agree completely with how you feel. Humans are flawed and evil. Lazy and uncaring. All of the above. What is the purpose to existing? Your ability with words is amazing though. You've said exactly how I've felt for the longest time

 

[BrokenArrow]

Totally agree. Our very nature as human beings is so fundamentally flawed that having a happy, content, fulfilled life is extremely difficult.

You can even argue that it's impossible (see Robin Williams, Antony Bourdain, Avicii etc etc).

 

[Meditation guide]

I remember loving life. And there was much to love about it for me. Things change.

 

[shio]

You worded this perfectly honestly.

 

[CrappyMJ]

I connect with every word in a very deep level. Pretty much sums up my life. It hurts so much when people don't understand what depression feels like, what we go through.

Despite that I tried my hardest to become a better version of myself, reading books, working on my appearance, practicing speech. But at the end of day nothing works, none of it matters. I'm still the same person I've been before. And that's when I give up, becoming even more depressed and people act even worse towards me. They don't want anything to do with a sad and depressed person.

It feels like I'm in a quick sand, the more I try to work and put effort in life, the more I fall down and disappoint everyone. I just have to give up and let go of life. That's my only way. Took me way long to realize that.

 

[CatTheBus5689]

I connect with every word in a very deep level. Pretty much sums up my life. It hurts so much when people don't understand what depression feels like, what we go through.

Despite that I tried my hardest to become a better version of myself, reading books, working on my appearance, practicing speech. But at the end of day nothing works, none of it matters. I'm still the same person I've been before. And that's when I give up, becoming even more depressed and people act even worse towards me. They don't want anything to do with a sad and depressed person.

It feels like I'm in a quick sand, the more I try to work and put effort in life, the more I fall down and disappoint everyone. I just have to give up and let go of life. That's my only way. Took me way long to realize that.

I've gone through that phase it it's almost funny just how much change in my life has changed nothing about me.

It's very difficult to give up hope when you've been conditioned your whole life to keep trying believing that any circumstances can change for the better. There are things in life we can't change and mistakes we just aren't allowed to fix. I've spent the past two years on a mental mary go round cycling through optimism, realism and despair. I just can't get it through my head that there are problems that I'm not allowed to fix and it's frustrating how I keep trying to think of a way to fix things when I arrive to the exact same depressing conclusion each and every time.

Another point of frustration is that my life is just comfortable enough to keep me on the fence on ctb. Even if they don't make me happy anymore I still have hobbies. Even if they aren't especially close I still have friends. Even if they contribute to my stress I still have care takers.

I have every opportunity to work for what's important to me and I have to remind myself why I feel like it's pointless. Hell sometimes I don't even need to remind myself when life is more than happy to give me reminders.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Not 'in love' is very different than hating every fucking second.

 

[Pluto]

Such an intelligent analysis reminds me of the term in psychology, depressive realism.

It would be worth trying antidepressant medication if you haven't. You owe it to the people who care about to make every effort. If genuine efforts fail, then at least you know where you stand.

 

[CatTheBus5689]

Not 'in love' is very different than hating every fucking second.

It's true that I don't hate every waking second of my life, in fact I have moments that I even enjoy. But those are few and rather insignificant, just smiling reminds me of how I used to be and far I've fallen and that life can be even worse. I absolutely dread just about everything the future has to offer and I have very little motivation to keep struggling knowing that what little consistency I have in life will begin to rot.

I don't hate every fucking second, but I will.

Such an intelligent analysis reminds me of the term in psychology, depressive realism.

It would be worth trying antidepressant medication if you haven't. You owe it to the people who care about to make every effort. If genuine efforts fail, then at least you know where you stand.

It's not as if I don't want to improve my condition at all, I just see very little merit. As I've stated in the first post even if I do improve my condition it won't change just how far I've retreated into my shell or fix the crippling loneliness I feel all the time.

But it is true I have not given therapy a fair chance, my only experience is a month of online therapy and I had a rather sour experience. It took forever to make any progress and the first guy was rather insensitive essentially telling me to get over my relationship and that maybe I was cheated on, as if I need another layer of grief to this.

The second guy who should have had access to the log with the previous guy just kept asking repeat questions and started from scratch and wasted a lot of time. They both ended up trying to change my outlook on the situation and the world is how I perceive it, or rather they told me to change it myself.I do agree that outlook does play a large role in how we perceive the world it ultimately changes nothing about the world.

You can tell a poor man it's a miracle to be alive at all and that he is rich with character and the big man in the sky gives us only what we need. It doesn't change the fact that he is hungry and on the streets with the majority of people thinking very little of him. Even if I were to have enough confidence to give life a real chance it doesn't change that I have many character flaws that hinder me in building a fulfilled life. There is a reason why I have fallen so far into a rut and a very good reason I have seemingly failed to climb out. I have enough experience to feed my sweet, sweet confirmation bias to tell me that I'll just be setting myself up for either mediocrity or for catastrophic failure.

What's the point in wanting something you know you can't have?

 

[Yakamoz]

I never was