I'm not good with friendships.

[EndlessRage]

I have made many friends throughout my life, i always end up leaving or they leave me. Most of them call me ''emotional'' or to be having low impulse control i think it is true, i am very bad at keeping friends i can get angry or show a lot of emotional reaction if they say something wrong about me or joke with me. I get told that a real man doesn't let himself be emotional because it is linked ''Low Testosterone'' which lead me to thinking i am Neurodivergent cause my behavior is always aggressive, i can be excessively mean to people. I can't help myself with that nor can i change it which is why i stopped making friends perhaps it is my own fault, sometimes i do really show signs of sociopathic behavior.

Anyone else feel this way? What makes you cope through this, feel free to share your thoughts.

 

[burninghill]

Hi, I'm autistic and bipolar 2. I feel the same way, I have a hard time connecting with people deeply and have a really really short fuse. Because of my autism, I also have a hard time pretending to be in a good mood if I'm not and I can usually come off as really blunt which means that I can come off as quite rude even if it isn't my intention.

It's really difficult, you just need to communicate with the people around you and find people who understand and are patient. I haven't had any success I changing the way I am internally, but having the right people around you definitely helps.

 

[troubled_puppet]

I there. I'm not sure if it will help to hear or not but I feel this in my soul.

Spoiler: TL;DR: i fuck up, and say sorry, only to fuck up again.

On and off since my twenties, I've rushed in and made strong connections, talking lots and having questions. But then I wouldn't be able to nurture or maintain that connection. I thought I'd grow out of it, but my twenties kept going and people kept leaving. Or I kept ghosting. Im in my damn early thirties and im so angry at myself for being so alone.

People hurt me. But i'd hurt people too. I'd get upset, I'd lash out, I'd block. I'd come crawling back and profess how I was sorry and that I did wrong, only to do it all over again and ghost people and block them again.

I feel like I never fucking grew up. And now i'm afraid every step of the way when meeting someone. I feel like I'll fuck it up all over again somehow.

I dunno if we're different in the why behind the lack of connections. I know I take things personally, I know I internalize things that people don't mean. I misunderstand because my brain's too slow, I read too fast, and I get upset too fast. If I ghost first, if I block first, if I get upset first. Then I know I was the one who fucked up, and I wasn't just rejected outright. But It hurts people.

One of my parents would skim read a letter and get upset and throw the letter out without reading it fully; they took everything personally and got very mad to the point of ranting about people they were ranting about. Me or a sibling would have to get it later to read it properly and it's almost always not as bad. I don't know.

i don't know how things get better or what i need to do to make it happen. im autistic too. all i can show is that i relate.

take care. it's hard being patient with ourselves.

 

[thelostautistic]

I relate to some of what you're saying. My autism has always made maintaining friendships challenging. I've lost many friends over the years. Sometimes it was my fault and other times it wasn't. I have a handful of friends now but I don't go out of my way to make new friends. Part of me wants to because I'm lonely but the thought of it terrifies me. I think it's just going to go wrong again so what's the point. I don't want to be taken advantage of or made to feel like I can't be myself. I don't know I guess it feels safer not to make any more connections.