I’m not going to try to recover anymore- Thanks to everyone for all your help

[nys]

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I've wanted to ctb for years and a few days ago I tried to get myself to recover. That failed miserably and I don't even know why I tried in the first place.

It might be because of past trauma or it could just be my brain, but I'm very shy. I hate when people call me that, though, because it just reminds me of my miserable life and it's the reason I want to ctb. Today my dad was asking me questions and when I responded quietly, he screamed at me and said I was socially inept and that was the reason no one would ever like me, and asked why I was being purposely rude, and then claimed he was asking me this to help me. I wasn't being rude on purpose- my dad just scares me sometimes with his behavior. From past experiences with him, I know the violence he's capable of inflicting onto others when he's angry.

He was reading a book and asking me questions to make sure I understood it. Every time I opened my mouth to say something, he would find something to criticize. Sometimes it was the low volume of my voice. Sometimes it was that my voice was too flat and "unenthusiastic". Sometimes it was that I gave one-word responses. He wouldn't do it constructively and kindly- he was screaming and he didn't hit me or anything, but I feared he would because of the way he kind of lunged at me a few times during the discussion.

I was struggling so hard not to cry then, but now that he's gone and I'm alone, I just feel drained and numb. He may have been a bit rude about it, but what he said was true, even if I don't want to admit it. I am socially inept and that means everything I could have lived for, such as friends, family, etc., will forever remain out of my reach. Why did I even attempt to recover??? There's no reason for me to live and there never will be. I always thought my constant sadness and quiet disposition was due to depression, but this can't be true. All my relatives love to talk about how quiet and "well-mannered" I was as a baby, and I couldn't have been depressed that young. It seems that this flaw of mine is a central part of me that I was born with, meaning it can never be fixed. My miserable life has always been this miserable since I was born, and it will continue to be this way as long as I keep living.

I'll always lack the energy to keep a job and my only possible future career seems to be something requiring barely any effort- sex work, which I've just realized is the only thing I've been good at for my whole life. I'll always remain lonely and the only people who will ever want to spend time with me will be dangerous criminals and sexual predators, which are also the only people I've always seemed to attract. I'll watch everyone I knew get married and have kids and lead normal lives, but I'll likely never get married, and if I do, it'll be to a domestic abuser, since I don't know how to act in any family dynamic, other than a dysfunctional one with the domineering, controlling husband who beats the docile and subservient wife. That's the only possible life I can live, and I'd rather die than live like that. So (not that anyone cares) I've given up my idealistic plan to recover, and I'll be going with what I've always known was the correct decision- ctb. I plan to leave around November, but I don't think I'll be around here a lot since I'll be busy with planning my suicide and school will be starting soon, too.

So since I'll barely be here in the coming months, I just wanted to thank everyone for supporting me and leaving kind comments on what I posted, and answering the questions I had. This website will also help me in ctb'ing in a few months time, so in advance, I'm thanking everyone who posted resources and info on methods. People here not only support those who want to keep living and recover, but also help those who choose to escape their pain by ctb'ing, and they don't just ignore people's pain. Thank you for being supportive no matter the choice we choose

 

[Jrmull1993]

@nys I'm sorry to hear about your home life. Hopefully the new school-year helps numb (or at least mask) the pain, and makes it easier to formulate a pathway to peace, however that might be.

I've thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts, and will look forward to the few times that you will be on in the future.

Best of luck in the upcoming semester, and remember, never sell yourself short. I can tell with absolute certainty from your posts and the few chats we had that you are a good person.

All the best!

 

[Doombox]

Your father sounds like an absolute nightmare. How are you supposed to respond enthusiastically to someone who is hurling insults? You can't. He's not safe.

 

[Finding Sirius]

I am so sorry love. I know exactly how you feel, I was the black sheep in my family as well. The verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse can be so traumatic. There is nothing wrong with you, in fact you are quite strong to be able to endure what you have. You tried, you did your best, you kept the faith and tried to recover. If you are set in your decision be at peace, for soon your suffering will end. I can tell you are a good person, peace be with you.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

I always thought my constant sadness and quiet disposition was due to depression, but this can't be true. All my relatives love to talk about how quiet and "well-mannered" I was as a baby, and I couldn't have been depressed that young. It seems that this flaw of mine is a central part of me that I was born with, meaning it can never be fixed.

I think it's a reinforcement thing. Someone notices you're quiet, praises you for it, then you decide to keep quiet some more expecting more praise and so on. Quiet/shy kids are beneficial to their caretakers for selfish reasons -- they don't get hurt as much, they can't get in trouble etc, so the caretaker doesn't need to spend much time/energy on them. That'd explain why some would encourage such behavior. I have the same problem and this is how I can explain it. But eventually you develop an entire introverted, repressed personality to go with the quiet external demeanor and that's where the real problem starts.

I honestly related hard with a lot of your post -- dominating/abusive father, shyness reinforced by relatives' compliments, inability to form real connections, lack of energy for a job...

As someone above said, maybe school will be a useful distraction and maybe you'll even meet someone there that you can connect deeply with and is a decent person. In any case, I hope you find peace, whatever your decision.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Your father is very abusive, it doesn't mean you're socially inept, they just want to control you. Anyone would feel the same in your position, nobody likes being shouted at. The problem is your family, not you. I've never heard of anyone compare someone on their social skills as a baby before, this is just another bs way of controlling you that your family does. You can get by in the future without having to pursue sex work. I hope things get better for you and you find peace.

 

[Rounded Agony]

I'm no expert but I fiercely believe that living in that kind of vile environment could absolutely be messing with your mind into being where it is far more than the "reality" you perceive at the moment. Unfortunate as it is the people we've spent the most time with shape our sense of self to a massive degree so it stands to reason you think there is something "wrong" with you. In fact it's just difference. There's nothing "wrong" with speaking quietly, or without animation, or whatever else; there's far more wrong with most people who don't openly get criticized for it, or hell even things that are socially reinforced behaviours.

I don't know if you've ever lived without your wretched sounding family around, but I would bet money that if you could experience that either in living alone or with actually supportive people, your view might change greatly. Of course the problem is that such a change might not be within your power to bring about for whatever reason...but if it is, I would implore you to try it.

I know very little about you and energy levels re: work, but I remember you discussing looking into paediatric oncology and let me just say that seems like a very noble ambition. Lots could probably be said to the other side of unnecessarily and unnaturally prolonging life where in earlier human society those kids would just die off, but I also can see it as a sort of "fuck you" to a horrid reality in which children get cancer to begin with - what a fucking load.

I hope you feel better and safer asap

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you have had to endure, some people really are so cruel and to me it's terrible the way that many people treat others. None of us here should have to suffer so much. I hope that you find relief from what you are going through. Best wishes.

 

[a_dead_mess]

I've received a notification about a comment I made on one of your posts and decided to drop by and see how you're doing. on behalf of whoever has control over this miserable existence we live in, I'm sorry that your plans didn't go your way. you honestly sound like a person with a lot of potential but are surrounded by people who just make everything worse. my sister is that quiet, alone type and I just now realized how my comments towards her might've affected her in ways. sometimes we say things that we never thought would affect others the way they do, for example, my mom told me that I should inform her before I ctb so she would give up on helping me and that sentence will never be erased from my memory until my death. I'm not one to take advice from but I hope you'd give it some more thought because sometimes the quiet type of people are the ones with the biggest hearts out there. my said sister is one of the few very reasonable people out there and I love talking to her even if we don't speak a lot.

I hope you find comfort and peace in this world, I truly do.

 

[Disappointered]

I only noticed you on this site recently and I'm sorry to see you've already left the forum. I hope you find the peace you deserve one way or another.

 

[Nirrend]

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I've wanted to ctb for years and a few days ago I tried to get myself to recover. That failed miserably and I don't even know why I tried in the first place.

It might be because of past trauma or it could just be my brain, but I'm very shy. I hate when people call me that, though, because it just reminds me of my miserable life and it's the reason I want to ctb. Today my dad was asking me questions and when I responded quietly, he screamed at me and said I was socially inept and that was the reason no one would ever like me, and asked why I was being purposely rude, and then claimed he was asking me this to help me. I wasn't being rude on purpose- my dad just scares me sometimes with his behavior. From past experiences with him, I know the violence he's capable of inflicting onto others when he's angry.

He was reading a book and asking me questions to make sure I understood it. Every time I opened my mouth to say something, he would find something to criticize. Sometimes it was the low volume of my voice. Sometimes it was that my voice was too flat and "unenthusiastic". Sometimes it was that I gave one-word responses. He wouldn't do it constructively and kindly- he was screaming and he didn't hit me or anything, but I feared he would because of the way he kind of lunged at me a few times during the discussion.

I was struggling so hard not to cry then, but now that he's gone and I'm alone, I just feel drained and numb. He may have been a bit rude about it, but what he said was true, even if I don't want to admit it. I am socially inept and that means everything I could have lived for, such as friends, family, etc., will forever remain out of my reach. Why did I even attempt to recover??? There's no reason for me to live and there never will be. I always thought my constant sadness and quiet disposition was due to depression, but this can't be true. All my relatives love to talk about how quiet and "well-mannered" I was as a baby, and I couldn't have been depressed that young. It seems that this flaw of mine is a central part of me that I was born with, meaning it can never be fixed. My miserable life has always been this miserable since I was born, and it will continue to be this way as long as I keep living.

I'll always lack the energy to keep a job and my only possible future career seems to be something requiring barely any effort- sex work, which I've just realized is the only thing I've been good at for my whole life. I'll always remain lonely and the only people who will ever want to spend time with me will be dangerous criminals and sexual predators, which are also the only people I've always seemed to attract. I'll watch everyone I knew get married and have kids and lead normal lives, but I'll likely never get married, and if I do, it'll be to a domestic abuser, since I don't know how to act in any family dynamic, other than a dysfunctional one with the domineering, controlling husband who beats the docile and subservient wife. That's the only possible life I can live, and I'd rather die than live like that. So (not that anyone cares) I've given up my idealistic plan to recover, and I'll be going with what I've always known was the correct decision- ctb. I plan to leave around November, but I don't think I'll be around here a lot since I'll be busy with planning my suicide and school will be starting soon, too.

So since I'll barely be here in the coming months, I just wanted to thank everyone for supporting me and leaving kind comments on what I posted, and answering the questions I had. This website will also help me in ctb'ing in a few months time, so in advance, I'm thanking everyone who posted resources and info on methods. People here not only support those who want to keep living and recover, but also help those who choose to escape their pain by ctb'ing, and they don't just ignore people's pain. Thank you for being supportive no matter the choice we choose

Beautiful soul, I'm sure you're lovely and I love the courage you had to try to recover.

Understanding you on many points about what you're telling.

Just sending you love and peace <3

 

[chloramine]

I'm so sorry you're stuck in that environment. For the record, you are being abused. There's no situation in which what he's doing is okay. That's not you being socially inept or anything, it's other people abusing you. I wish you could experience something better with safe people who cared about you- even if it was just to make the last stretch of life more peaceful. Your father's abysmal behaviour is a result of his being an abysmal person. It's not because of you. You do not deserve any of that. Whatever you do I hope it leads you to something better.

 

[LeavingEarly]

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I've wanted to ctb for years and a few days ago I tried to get myself to recover. That failed miserably and I don't even know why I tried in the first place.

It might be because of past trauma or it could just be my brain, but I'm very shy. I hate when people call me that, though, because it just reminds me of my miserable life and it's the reason I want to ctb. Today my dad was asking me questions and when I responded quietly, he screamed at me and said I was socially inept and that was the reason no one would ever like me, and asked why I was being purposely rude, and then claimed he was asking me this to help me. I wasn't being rude on purpose- my dad just scares me sometimes with his behavior. From past experiences with him, I know the violence he's capable of inflicting onto others when he's angry.

He was reading a book and asking me questions to make sure I understood it. Every time I opened my mouth to say something, he would find something to criticize. Sometimes it was the low volume of my voice. Sometimes it was that my voice was too flat and "unenthusiastic". Sometimes it was that I gave one-word responses. He wouldn't do it constructively and kindly- he was screaming and he didn't hit me or anything, but I feared he would because of the way he kind of lunged at me a few times during the discussion.

I was struggling so hard not to cry then, but now that he's gone and I'm alone, I just feel drained and numb. He may have been a bit rude about it, but what he said was true, even if I don't want to admit it. I am socially inept and that means everything I could have lived for, such as friends, family, etc., will forever remain out of my reach. Why did I even attempt to recover??? There's no reason for me to live and there never will be. I always thought my constant sadness and quiet disposition was due to depression, but this can't be true. All my relatives love to talk about how quiet and "well-mannered" I was as a baby, and I couldn't have been depressed that young. It seems that this flaw of mine is a central part of me that I was born with, meaning it can never be fixed. My miserable life has always been this miserable since I was born, and it will continue to be this way as long as I keep living.

I'll always lack the energy to keep a job and my only possible future career seems to be something requiring barely any effort- sex work, which I've just realized is the only thing I've been good at for my whole life. I'll always remain lonely and the only people who will ever want to spend time with me will be dangerous criminals and sexual predators, which are also the only people I've always seemed to attract. I'll watch everyone I knew get married and have kids and lead normal lives, but I'll likely never get married, and if I do, it'll be to a domestic abuser, since I don't know how to act in any family dynamic, other than a dysfunctional one with the domineering, controlling husband who beats the docile and subservient wife. That's the only possible life I can live, and I'd rather die than live like that. So (not that anyone cares) I've given up my idealistic plan to recover, and I'll be going with what I've always known was the correct decision- ctb. I plan to leave around November, but I don't think I'll be around here a lot since I'll be busy with planning my suicide and school will be starting soon, too.

So since I'll barely be here in the coming months, I just wanted to thank everyone for supporting me and leaving kind comments on what I posted, and answering the questions I had. This website will also help me in ctb'ing in a few months time, so in advance, I'm thanking everyone who posted resources and info on methods. People here not only support those who want to keep living and recover, but also help those who choose to escape their pain by ctb'ing, and they don't just ignore people's pain. Thank you for being supportive no matter the choice we choose

What is your method??

 

[Jrmull1993]

What is your method??

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