I'm lost

[Young.Werther]

I'm a bit stuck/lost. I used to have some SN but got sloppy and it was taken away. I even let some of it get taken thinking it would be easy to obtain more (I originally obtained way back when it was available from the jungle ... been lurking for a long time). So I don't know what to do. I've thought about jumping, but the idea of being paralyzed forever is really scary and SI kicks in hard. I also don't have roof access to the building I have in mind, so I'd have to break a window and I'm not sure how easy that is (both physically and also I'd have to find some time when nobody else is on the top floor since breaking a window isn't exactly inconspicuous...). I guess firearms are also an option, but I guess i tend to associate firearms with lots of violence and so they don't feel peaceful in the 2 SN does. I've also considered hanging but this seems like it might fail as well since I'm relatively lightweight (105-120 lb) and that might be an issue? IDK what to do, i wish the jungle would sell again :(

I've also thought about recovery and am supposed to talk to a psychiatrist soon. I feel like the problem here is that much of the time I have no motivation for anything. There's an icebreaker I once played. Basically the first person shares a life goal that they have, and the second person asks them "why?". The first person responds and then the second person asks "why?" again. Pretty quickly, you run out of answers and I feel like I'm in the same spot. I don't have an answer to "why?" and don't feel like there's any reason to stick around, especially when sticking around involves so much pain. Maybe if there were an answer I could, but I've looked and more and more I feel like there just isn't an answer (or at least not one I find satisfactory).

In any case, any suggestions on what I should do?

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all only you can decide what you should do, but it does sound like a tiring situation to be trapped in, I certainly hate how suicide is so difficult in this cruel world, it also sounds horrific to me the thought of suicide failing. As humans we certainly deserve the option to pass away in peace, it's very unfortunate how reliable methods are becoming more and more inaccessible but that's just the reality of existing in this anti choice society sadly. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[epic]

I've also thought about recovery and am supposed to talk to a psychiatrist soon. I feel like the problem here is that much of the time I have no motivation for anything. There's an icebreaker I once played. Basically the first person shares a life goal that they have, and the second person asks them "why?". The first person responds and then the second person asks "why?" again. Pretty quickly, you run out of answers and I feel like I'm in the same spot. I don't have an answer to "why?" and don't feel like there's any reason to stick around, especially when sticking around involves so much pain. Maybe if there were an answer I could, but I've looked and more and more I feel like there just isn't an answer (or at least not one I find satisfactory).

The most basic question is why do you wish to CTB ?

 

[soolka]

maybe you should try recovery first?

 

[LittleJem]

wait for psychiatrist, try another med.

Oh yep. That is what I am doing. Dreading it. But you never know. It could make things better....
The only thing that motivates me at the moment is food. specifically like eating chocolate when depressed. Veggie samosas.

So the meaning of life is actually eating pizza.

I used to believe I would save the world from climate change and that is what kept me going through years of suicidal thinking - basically being nuts, but it was motivation.

Now it is just to if I can live a bearable life rather than a totally miserable one. Can meds do that for us: TBC.

 

[AkaRed]

One thing I've learned when it comes to any form of recovery- is that you cannot make a change unless you want to make a change. And I'm talking about being as adamant about it as you might be about CTB. It's super hard to admit to yourself when something is wrong, and this society makes everything insanely confusing.
Maybe broaden the questions a bit, and see if it helps. Rather than just a "why?"
Something like... "What makes me feel better?" "Where do I want to be tomorrow- or 10 years in the future?" "How am I feeling today?"
I'm mostly phrasing more positive-based questions since I don't want to make things super grim, yknow? But it's okay if the questions aren't always positive, it's also okay if the answers aren't either.

I mostly say this because if you're still considering recovery, it means there is a reason for it. The only way a psychiatrist or any form of therapy can help though is if you let it. Which is admittedly, difficult. But I think you can do this. Take things one step at a time, and try to keep your eyes open to the good things in life- no matter how small they may be. PMs are always open if you wanna talk.
<3

 

[Young.Werther]

The most basic question is why do you wish to CTB ?

Sticking around is exhausting. I've thought about what a "successful" life would be and I just don't get it. I am privileged to have some opportunities, but I've imagined it, career/partner/money and it feels kind of like a video game. You spend your time/effort grinding away for the best gear and amassing game currency and then what? What happens once you've done all those things? I sort of stopped playing any video games because I don't see the point.

Maybe the difference is that with a video game, the cost isn't too bad. With life, I both can't find motivation at the end (and this is assuming that I do manage to obtain these things, which isn't guaranteed), and I actively pay a cost in terms of exhaustion/pain to stick around and try. And yes, in theory something unexpected happens and the outlook changes so that I want to stay, but I don't see it and it seems like I'm just guaranteeing myself some amount of pain if I stay. If we accept the idea that pain is bad, we get to CTB (although who knows, maybe I'll get resurrected and have to deal with everything again; I hope this isn't the case).

maybe you should try recovery first?

One thing I've learned when it comes to any form of recovery- is that you cannot make a change unless you want to make a change. And I'm talking about being as adamant about it as you might be about CTB. It's super hard to admit to yourself when something is wrong, and this society makes everything insanely confusing.
Maybe broaden the questions a bit, and see if it helps. Rather than just a "why?"

Yeah I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. I'm privileged to be in a place where I can access therapy/meds relatively easily. I've spent a few months with therapy, and haven't noticed much change. Before that, I spent a few years trying different things on my own. I'll see what the psychiatrist has to say anyways.

Also just want to say, thanks to everyone for their thoughts.