Not so much in the sense of losing the will to CTB, but certainly in the sense of losing my recklessness and impulsiveness. It's caused me intense amounts of loss and mental agony, yet I cling on to it still and hate when I can see mild changes in my personality. It's weird, I want to not have been born at all, yet at the same time I'd hate to change. I think maybe misery and pain is comforting after you've known it for so long.
It's a bit complicated in my case because the person I wanted to get revenge on by doing this is no longer here. Often I ask myself who even am I without all that hatred and rage directed into a single purpose? Now I think I'm just tired.
I don't think you're irrational though. You've been through things and come out the other side, and it's perfectly normal for your feelings on the topic to change. Wanting to CTB is not all that you are, though I deeply understand how you got to the feeling.
