Venting I'm losing my mind..

[voidreverse1982]

I just can't do it.. Life is worthless.. I'm pathetic.. An excuse of a human being.. I can't control myself.. Today my dad asked me to for the gazillionth time to peel garlic and onions, so I asked him if we could just heat up a ready-made meal, and delay cooking for the weekend.. and he said that he had already taken some meat out to defrost and that we have to cook because we can't waste food.. He then started talking about how many people are dying of hunger, as if I should have already known he had taken the meat out to defrost before I asked him about the ready-made meal.. and that was the last straw.. I grabbed the knife, but instead of peeling garlic and onions, I actually tried to harm myself.. I was heavily thinking about sliding my wrist, but then I thought that I didn't want to bleed a lot the first time, and it would also be obvious that it is self harm if it was on my wrist, so I decided to go for a cut on my finger, so that I could frame it as an accident and it wouldn't bleed as much.. so I gently pressed the knife against my finger.. it did not cut, so I tried again, harder.. it didn't again, so, I tried even harder this time.. and, because of my skin's elasticity, it still didn't cut, and when it still didn't, that's when I finally stopped, and came back from my rational thoughts and asked myself just what the fuck I was doing.. it's like there's some force controlling me.. but my skin's elasticity resisted enough pressure just before I actually harmed myself..



However, a little while later, this force controlled me again.. and I noticed how I was unable to hurt myself, so, I realized that someone had to do it for me. I roughly grabbed my cat.. and, thankfully, it did the job and scratched my arm with his claws.. I don't even know if this is considered self harm.. I feel pain now.. but at least I got what I deserved..



Gosh.. now I wonder how the fuck will I be able to remain calm while talking with my psychologist tomorrow.. it will likely be a disaster, but I'll try my hardest to hold my feelings.. like always..

I just want to die so badly.. why is it so hard to harm myself..

 

[voidreverse1982]

Thankfully I managed to hide my feelings from my psychologist..

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Yeah, that knife wouldn't have done shit and that has nothing to do with your skin elasticity, but rather it's because it likely isn't sharp enough. Along with that, the skin on your palms tends to be thicker, so it's harder to cut into.

Anyway, self-harm is not a habit that you want to be picking up and this is coming from someone with a history of self-harm.