I'm less suicidal but I can't make any meaningful changes

[ApparentlyNot]

When I joined this forum I was absolutely ready to die. It feels odd to realize how much worse I was back then compared to now. I was certain. I thought about dying every other minute. I am only here due to guilt and due to not having a method I felt comfortable with easily accessible.

Then I found the chatroom function of this forum, and as someone who had been entirely devoid of social interaction or validation for several years, it and the community surrounding it became an extremely effective distraction and cope for me. It functioned somewhat like exposure therapy; I remember having an anxiety attack the first time I typed a message in there because that's how antisocial I was. It taught me that I had been lying to myself that I did not want friends and love and community. I met some amazing people I now call my friends even. But it has also been painful and maladaptive for me...

Anyway, one stint in the psych ward and almost a year of coping with drugs/alcohol and talking to other suicidal people online later, and I simply find myself here in limbo, with one foot in the door and one foot out. This leaves me making no progress towards death or life. I feel too suicidal and depressed, too anhedonic and hopeless, to muster up any libido for life or engagement with it. I do the same thing every single day, which is essentially nothing.

How do I pick a fucking lane here? To seek a life of fulfillment or to allow myself to die. It feels damn near impossible to make any changes when I don't particularly have any hope or interest in life. How do I "recovery" from the point where I am?

 

[wisteria3]

I relate to this a lot, except over a period of days not a year. Like I only just joined but I had gone months doing nothing but laying in bed with 0 energy, feeling complete apathy, not having the will to do anything even eating, having breakdowns, and thinking nonstop of dying. For context I've been in nearly constant isolation for years. Right after joining and having an outlet for all those negative thoughts, I suddenly have energy again. I still would much rather die but I can also see a path towards living, which I feel like I probably have to take for the sake of my family.

But I still have a lot of leftover apathy and numbness, and I don't want to face the consequences of my inaction over the past couple months (and years, although I was more functional before). Part of me is still planning to die, so how do I find the motivation to put in the hard work and fix my life… I have to make a decision because the longer I wait to choose recovery and get motivated, the more my life will fall apart. But I still want to die so strongly, and if it wasn't for my family I would definitely choose that. So I really have no idea what to do.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I feel exactly the same. I just can't choose between life and dead, it's so annoying.