You are so young though from your previous post, and I'm sorry that you have to go through all this and feel this way. I wish you could hold on a bit, I understand it seems pointless and impossible now, but you are strong. Strong to have made it so far already through difficult years. You are a new member here too and when I joined, I was sure I was leaving in about a month, but things have changed, a lot. I'm still suicidal, but less so and have really dark days, but support in this community have also helped with those bad times. It's totally up to you, and I'm not autistic as you mentioned, but we are all different, yet we came here for the same ultimate reason. If you are only 20, I can honestly say that my better years have been maybe from at least 28 onwards. I wish you all the best in this struggle, hope you find time to be calm within, and send you lots of love. Please don't feel alone at this time.