SadGoose
Meow :(
- Aug 20, 2023
- 14
I am going to do a full suspension. I have found a sufficiently high anchor point, but I have yet to test my rope. I will swing around for a couple of minutes before tying the noose. I will be tying a figure 8 follow through to the anchor point, and a scaffold knot (stronger version of slip knot) as the noose. I will cover the noose end of the rope with Vaseline before tying, to allow it to tighten more easily. Provided the rope holds I will prepare to hang myself.
Right now, as I type, I feel an intense calm at knowing my pain is about to end. However, I know that as my time approaches I will begin to have fears and doubts. The last thing I will do is drink a good amount of vodka. A month ago I tried to do this without alcohol and I wasn't able to step off at the last minute. I think this is because of my failed attempt at full suspension a few years ago (anchor knot came undone). Failing the attempt was quite traumatic, as I ended up with severe bruising around my neck that almost required me to be airlifted to another hospital with better facilities. Miraculously, an MRI scan confirmed that I suffered no brain injury. The psych ward just made me want to be dead even more, although it made me more scared of failing and being sent back. Hopefully if I get wasted the booze will prevent my SI from kicking in.
I feel the need to do this as I am fundamentally incompatible with society in general. I have ASD, ADHD, Generalised Anxiety, and Chronic Depression. I am also a closeted mtf transgender. I am failing school, have basically no friends (I lost them all through something stupid I did last year), and I constantly make the lives of everyone around me worse. I have never had a girl show even a passing interest in me. I have tried to get better but I have made no progress, due to some fundamental problem in my brain that I don't believe can ever be resolved.
If anyone who knows me irl sees this after I CTB, I want you to know it was not anyone's fault. Please try to understand my decision.
Right now, as I type, I feel an intense calm at knowing my pain is about to end. However, I know that as my time approaches I will begin to have fears and doubts. The last thing I will do is drink a good amount of vodka. A month ago I tried to do this without alcohol and I wasn't able to step off at the last minute. I think this is because of my failed attempt at full suspension a few years ago (anchor knot came undone). Failing the attempt was quite traumatic, as I ended up with severe bruising around my neck that almost required me to be airlifted to another hospital with better facilities. Miraculously, an MRI scan confirmed that I suffered no brain injury. The psych ward just made me want to be dead even more, although it made me more scared of failing and being sent back. Hopefully if I get wasted the booze will prevent my SI from kicking in.
I feel the need to do this as I am fundamentally incompatible with society in general. I have ASD, ADHD, Generalised Anxiety, and Chronic Depression. I am also a closeted mtf transgender. I am failing school, have basically no friends (I lost them all through something stupid I did last year), and I constantly make the lives of everyone around me worse. I have never had a girl show even a passing interest in me. I have tried to get better but I have made no progress, due to some fundamental problem in my brain that I don't believe can ever be resolved.
If anyone who knows me irl sees this after I CTB, I want you to know it was not anyone's fault. Please try to understand my decision.
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good luck
. I hope you are at peace 
.
